'AITA for firing my nanny after she didn’t correct people who thought she was my kid’s mom?'

"AITA for firing my nanny after she didn’t correct people who thought she was my child’s mother?"

I (35F) am Asian American and my SO (38M) is white. Our child (2) ended up getting all of my SO’s recessive genes and looks almost entirely white. This is a rather sore point for me since I often get mistaken for the babysitter.

We have a nanny (Mary) (25F) who coincidentally has the same color hair and eyes as my child (very light, golden brown hair and greenish hazel eyes). Mary is great with my child and she seems to genuinely care about my child.

I work unusual and long hours (emergency physician) so I don’t really see my neighbors very frequently. Today, I happened to have a day off and ran into my neighbor while walking with my child. The neighbor said hi to my child and asked if I was the new nanny. I said no, I’m the mom.

The neighbor seemed very confused and said that she had been under the impression that Mary was the mom. At first I was annoyed but assumed it was an honest mistake (a lot of people think this when they see them together bc of their similar coloring). However, my neighbor then told me that Mary was telling people she was the mom and that she had heard my child refer to Mary as “mama.”

I confronted Mary about this the next time she was over and she basically brushed it off and said she didn’t actually tell people that, she just didn’t correct their assumptions. I then asked her about my child calling her “mama” and Mary told me it’s short for Mary (her name isn’t actually Mary btw, but it is a name that starts with “Ma” also).

I was really angry at that point and told her she was fired. She got very upset and started crying, saying she needed the money, that she loved my child, and that this was incredibly unfair. I stood my ground and she left. (I ended up leaving my child with my mom so I could go to work.)

My husband came home later and got angry with me for firing Mary without consulting him and for not having any backup plan for childcare. We are now scrambling to find a daycare or nanny ASAP and my mom has to watch my child in the interim.

My husband thinks I overreacted and that I’m just sensitive to this issue bc our child doesn’t look like me. I do kind of feel like an AH now bc our childcare situation is a mess and Mary is out of work with no notice. But at the same time, it feels really sketchy to me that someone is masquerading as my child’s mother.

Edit- I want to clarify that my sensitivity doesn’t stem from the fact that my child doesn’t look like me physically, but the racial undertones that come with the automatic assumption that I (a POC) must be the babysitter.

Most white adoptive parents are not mistaken for a babysitter while out with their POC children, but almost all POC parents of white passing children are assumed to be a babysitter, rather than either the adoptive or bio parent. I am bothered by the inherent bigotry in the fact that the vast majority of people assume that I must be a babysitter, despite the fact that my child is clearly treating me as a mother.

Another edit bc I want to defend my poor husband (just in case he stumbles upon this post). There is virtually no chance he is messing around with Mary! He also works long hours and barely has any interaction with her (I doubt he even knows her full name).

The idea that they would be getting together behind my back actually made me laugh. He’s (probably justifiably) mostly upset about having to find last minute childcare, he’s not actually defending Mary.

This is what people had to say to OP:

drakkya said:

‘Mama’ is short for Mary?!? Ask your husband if it would be ok for him if you had a male nanny, look for a Daniel so your kid can call I’m ‘Daddy’ as this would be the obvious short version. NTA.

og_kitten_mittens said:

NTA - My mother is Asian and my father is white; he remarried a white woman and has blonde kids with her and I am mistaken for the babysitter all the time. It IS painful!! I’m validating your pain bc it’s real and legitimate and hurtful when you are constantly reminded that your loved ones don’t look like you and you are made to feel DIFFERENT than them bc of it!

It’s really weird she wouldn’t correct people and was possibly even pretending your child was hers?? That definitely crossed a boundary. It could have been a first warning, but I also respect your right to fire the person around your CHILD for this reason too.

Your SO has a point, it would’ve been a nice convo to have beforehand but I don’t think you’re an asshole for doing this. I get your pain, OP, I’m so sorry.

chiterkins said:

NTA - look, your nanny 100% overstepped and shouldn't have done what she did. That is a huge breach in trust, and can be confusing for your child. There is no reason to keep her on while you find someone else.

This is the person taking care of your kid. You need to trust them. And honestly, your husband's reaction is mildly alarming to me. Yes, it's added stress for the both of you. But this is not your fault; your nanny did something wrong. Blaming you seems like a red flag to me.

And HotAge5962 said:

NTA- that nanny over stepped and is creepy as hell for saying she is the child’s mother. You got rid of her in time before she started acting crazy and doing something that could cause harm to the child so good on you .

The next day, OP shared this update:

I wasn’t expecting this to get so many responses, thank you for taking the time to respond. I noticed a lot of dismissive attitudes from non POCs in the comments. This is the very same attitude that caused me to become angry with Mary. She downplayed my very real reasons for being upset and additionally implied that my child just looked white.

Part of being a good nanny for a biracial child is to help that child understand and be proud of their heritage. This post made me reflect on why I became so upset with Mary and realized that I had excused many micro aggressions by Mary because of her youth and her otherwise good relationship with my child.

For example, Mary only ever gave my child the lighter skinned dolls (despite us having dolls of all skin tones), Mary joked about how much safer our neighborhood was than hers, Mary never gave my child Asian food (even though I would leave a lot in the fridge and encourage her to heat it up), etc.

Maybe some of you will not understand the significance of such micro aggressions, but these sort of subtle actions shape the mindset of young children. That being said, I do sympathize with Mary’s financial situation so I will offer her some severance pay.