Fisherman's wife wants him to sell business he LOVES, 'I'm away 4 months a year.' AITA? UPDATED.
"AITA because my wife wants me to sell the business I LOVE because I'm away 4 months a year?"
Ok, my wife (35F) and I (42M) have been together for 14 years. This year, after 9 years of University and residency, she is officially an MD (Anesthesiology, which is why it took 9 years). I'm incredibly proud of her.
Now, I'm a Tuna fisherman/Charter owner. I own two boats and licenses through my company. I bought the first license at 21, the second at 25. Both are now paid off. I make a very good living (I charge $2,000 for a day of tuna fishing, per person up to 5 clients per day from July 15th to November 15th, and am booked at least a year in advance).
But the money, while obviously important, isn't the draw for me. This is truly my passion, it's the only job I've ever known, and I can't imagine my life without it.
I left this year the first week of July, as I always do, but this year my wife has started insisting that I start to think about selling the licenses and boats, because she feels it's time to start a family and that since she's a doctor, I should sell them to stay home, raise our children, and be home all year.
I told her in no uncertain terms that I love her, I want children with her, but I am not now, or for the foreseeable future, selling my business or giving up the business that I have loved since I first went tuna fishing with my father when I was 12. I would be miserable without it.
Now, I want to be clear, my wife has no power over my business. I got an iron-clad prenup to protect my business and home/property before we got married. It doesn't protect our personal assets or accounts. She would be entitled to half of our savings. And it's not like my wife was hard done by.
She didn't pay a penny for her education, I footed the bill to the tune of hundreds of thousands, I paid for our home, bought her a vehicle to travel to school with. So there's no financial abuse on my part.
Her issue with my job is that I'm not home for 4 months a year (We live in Ontario, Canada, but my charter boats are on the southeastern shore of Nova Scotia), and that my job is "dangerous". She knew both of these things from our very first date.
My wife is adamant that she wants this done, and it just isn't happening. She keeps saying how she'll be so busy as a doctor that she can't be home to raise kids, but personally I don't see how that's any different than my situation, aside from me actually having 8 months a year off.
I'm not sure why she thinks that I should give up my dream job now that she has attained hers. Personally, I feel that she's ashamed to tell her new snooty work friends that I am a fisherman, even though I make as much or more as they do, as this literally began as soon as she started her new job and started hanging around with a much "higher class" of people.
A class of people I'm not fond of, but I would never tell her who to have as friends. She denies this, but the way she suddenly altered her friend circle and started fighting with me about this as soon as she finished her residency and started her new job with new friends tells me otherwise. She also has expressed interest in selling our property (120 acres) to move to a condo in the city, and that's another area I just won't compromise.
I did offer her that we could look at buying a condo and living there during winters, but I am not selling my property. She also doesn't want to accept that. I am willing to compromise, but this is my home and we can afford it, I am not giving it up. When I'm not working, I'm hunting and fishing (sport fishing, not commercial fishing as my career) on this land, it's my favourite place in the world that isn't the Atlantic Ocean.
I have no intention of retiring for at least another 25 years, and when I do, I plan to give the licenses and gear to my son from a previous relationship, and the reason I built this business to begin with, I never wanted my son to see me as a failure. He's 20, and is a mate on my second boat.
My wife seems to think im an ahole because I "Want to be gone from her four months a year," and because with my investment portfolio and business worth multiple million dollars, I absolutely could retire and live well. I think she's the ahole, because she seems to think that I should be miserable in order to make her happy.
I'm honestly not sure my marriage can survive this because there is absolutely no chance that I am selling my business or retiring. But am I wrong here? Am I the ahole?
I literally spent a decade making her life as easy as it possibly could be (I'm in no way saying Med school is easy, but she finished with no debt or responsibilities outside of the home, few med students can say that).
I also feel there's been a big change in the way she looks at me and my profession ever since she became a doctor. The profession that paid for her to get where she is today.
I am who I am, a country boy who had a dream to make a living doing something he loved. I feel like she feels that having a "Fisherman husband" is embarrassing now that she's a doctor.
There's three things I want to be clear about before people go there:
Nobody is cheating or suspects the other is cheating
Never has there been an expectation that I would retire young. I never suggested it, and she never brought it up until these past couple of months.
We can afford whatever help we would need to help with future children for the months I'm gone, but she "Doesn't want her kids raised by nannies."
So Reddit, Am I the A%shole? If my marriage falls apart, is this my fault? Because this is weighing extremely heavy on me right now, but I don't feel I'm in the wrong in any way. Thanks in advance for opinions and advice.
Here's what top commenters had to say here:
2doggosathome said:
Move to Nova Scotia, they need doctors and then you aren’t away from home for 4 months a year. You can keep your property as a recreational property so no need to sell it.
linzercooky said:
NAH but how on earth have you been married 14 years without discussing what your plan for kids would be? I mean wtf. Y'all's communication needs work. I think you should tell her directly that her actions make you feel like she doesn't respect you and your job as a fisherman and just see what she says. But honestly both of y'all either need to be ok with a nanny raising your kids or get new spouses.
fzooey78 said:
NAH. I kiiiiiiiinda get where she's coming from. Having children and having the father gone for a 4 month chunk of time is kind of bananas. I don't care what anyone says. I would be at a massive loss how to navigate this. I wouldn't want to feel like a single parent for a third of a year even if I could have a nanny. Yikes.
While she was in residency, she had little to no time to think about what life would look like when she wasn't in the grind. You being gone 4 months out of the year probably didn't feel as dramatic then.
I'm not saying you should just give up your charter, but making it sound like she's being unreasonable for wanting her husband around to raise her kid with her isn't fair either.
But I don't even feel like that's your main issue. You mostly sound hurt because you feel like she's embarrassed of you now. If true, that would suck. But you don't even know if that's true because you haven't talked to her about this insecurity.
I think that you need to have a VERY open conversation with her. You are presuming she is ashamed of your career. Have you had a non accusatory conversation about that? Have you asked her if she feels that way?
Instead of accusing her and presuming, ask. It's super easy for us to judge her, and a lot of me wants to, but that piece of the puzzle could just as easily be a miscommunication.
yesimreadytorumble said:
NTA and she clearly didn’t mind you were gone for so long while you financed her entire life.
Leauian said:
It’s a problem to be gone 1/3 the time as a dad. I don’t know if it makes you the AH. But presumably the reason to have kids is to raise them as a couple. Definitely something you gotta figure out. Maybe you can hire help and go out a few days a month—make it more of a passive income. Good luck on figuring this out.
mctaggartann said:
NTA she got in the marriage knowing your job. She accepted it when it benefited her but now she feels like she got her education (good job and no putting that down in any negative way) she wants you to quit the job you love? I don’t see an issue only thing that really changes is when baby comes she will need a baby sitter/nanny.
Fiireygirl said:
NTA- is she considering how many nights she’s giving up being in house/on call? Just because hers might be spread out in comparison, doesn’t diminish the obligation.
FeeFiFooFunyon said:
NTA But maybe there is a middle. Could you have the boat run by someone else or not rentable for a block of time each month or six weeks (maybe 3-7 day blocks) during the season to come home and reconnect with her and the kids?
UPDATE:
So. I wrote my wife a long email. No, this is not how we generally communicate, but she is on call and staying at the hospital. She called me back quite upset, especially since I told her I felt she was ashamed of having a fishermen for a husband.
After she stopped crying, she told me that was absurd and definitely not the problem. And that while she hates me being gone for four months, that's not even what she's so upset about. She can get through that part. She's worried about the danger associated with my job.
My wife is risk averse. I've known that forever. I am, well, quite the opposite. My dad raced dirt track, my mom skydived and wingsuited regularly, and I grew up on the water with multiple uncles who were lobster fishermen, snow crab fishermen, miners and lumberjacks (my mom had 17 brothers and sisters, and yes, thats all one marriage, my grandmother birthed them all).
I went back east every summer to fish, I love it. But, she's not wrong that with that comes the danger that someday I won't just be gone for four months, I will just be gone. I have the best of gear, our boats carry rescue capsules, and us captains look out for each other, but accidents happen.
I've seen tiny communities devastated, losing five young men to the sea. I've done search and rescue and pulled bodies from the water. She said she's always been scared, but it's gotten worse these last couple of years. And apparently her mom has been in her ear about it a lot.
She's half korean, and in her words, her mother is a "Typical Asian Mom", who is even more risk averse than my wife. I love her mom but she definitely habitually presses my wife on our future plans for family, probably causing her more stress than is fair.
We're going to seek therapy as a couple, and for her personally, because she says she definitely doesn't want a divorce, and that she's never been ashamed of what I do, and realizes what I've done for her. That's why she shot down the nanny suggestion, not because she was against it, but because she was irrationally trying to get me to bend to her out of fear.
I also want her to get help with dealing with her mom from whatever therapist she chooses, She does want a place in the city, and I definitely understand that. She didn't seem to believe we could afford both. Downtown Toronto is expensive, and it's true she doesn't know my finances.
Don't get me wrong, she realizes in rough estimates how much money the business' makes, but my job also has expenses (I put $300k worth of new diesel boat motors on my Regulator 41' last summer for example, and I also pay my crews very well, then there's fuel, bait, repairs). I assured her that between the two of us, we can afford a second home.
I'll still have my hunting property/sanctuary, and she gets to be closer to the hospital and much better multicultural experience which I know she enjoys. We're going to look at renting a place for a while, because the the Canadian housing market is on the verge of collapse with interest rates as they are now. It's worth renting for a year or two to see if prices drop.
I was clear with her that I don't plan to stop fishing for many years yet, but that when my son is ready, I will let him take up some of the work captaining my boat so that I'm at least home a a week here and there, at least until Second Boat Captain retires at the end of 2025 and I give that boat to my son full time. but we can figure that out later.