"AITA for actually disinviting my mother from my wedding?"
General Backstory: My mom and I have a super complex relationship. I am the youngest of two girls with a 11-year age gap. She's always been hotheaded and lacking in accountability, but I have tried to keep a somewhat close and warm relationship with her despite that.
I don't talk to her that often, but because I live close and I'm still fairly young, I tend to have a little more tolerance for her antics (emotional outbursts over text or the phone when doesn't get her way), and try to just set really firm boundaries to avoid conflict.
Now onto my dilemma: just before Christmas, my mom asked for my address. I've previously avoided giving her this information because she's shown me that she will drive by or attempt to visit unannounced.
I recently moved in with my fiancé and I wanted to avoid a scenario where she makes him uncomfortable. That said, my fiancé's mom has been to our house and this was revealed to my mom during the wedding dress shopping trip.
When she asked out of the blue, I asked "Why?" This set her off and the next morning, I received a flurry of text messages, saying that I had a lot of nerve, and that I needed to begin paying my own car insurance and return her house key.
Neither of these upset me. When I responded to say I would do that, she called and told me additionally that I should take her name off the invite list to my wedding since "everyone else can do what they want to do," have my address and because she's not allowed to bring a plus one.
Mind you, our wedding will have less than 50 guests including vendors. When I tried to offer a rebuttal, she replied "F you b" and hung up the phone. It's been a few weeks since this happened, and although I know it would hurt her and that she didn't mean it, I am inclined to make good on her request. This time it feels that this is way too far for me to excuse.
I do fear uninviting her would create additional conflict for me and my fiancé, because I think she could show up unannounced and make a scene (she has the info from previous conversations), which might ruin the day for the two of us.
I know that he will support me either way, but I don't want the day to be turned upside down because of my mom. WIBTA for actually not inviting her? And if not, what can I do to make sure she can't ruin our big day?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
cementbricks said:
I know society and people in general stress the importance of family, but I’m a firm believer that blood makes you related. Love and loyalty make you family. She sounds like a toxic person. Why are you even involving her in your life at all?
If you’re not willing to give her your address, why are you contemplating allowing her to your wedding? If you ever have kids, would you want her around them? Would you went you kids to be treated like you’re being treated?
I know you probably want to keep a relationship with your mom because we feel like we need to. But don’t drink poison just because you are thirsty. I’m not saying to cut her off, but maybe distance yourself from her. NTA. Don’t invite her. Get security.
Winter-Yogurt-4209 said:
NTA. Pay your own car insurance, and give her the invite so she can be the one to not show up, that way she can’t twist this into a “my daughter is so horrible” bs situation. My mom is like this and I totally get it. Keep your boundaries. If you give an inch she’ll take a mile.
cranbeery said:
NTA. If you can't trust someone with your address, how can you trust them to behave on a special occasion?
bkwormtricia said:
NTA either way - take a chance and invite, or say no and she may show up anyhow...Decide if you want to give her a chance, or not. Either way, hire security to be there to handle her if she shows up.
AellaReeves said:
NTA. Have a couple of people at the door that can turn her away. Let her know they will be there and she is not welcome. Then forget about her and enjoy your day.
yourshaddow3 said:
NTA. I eloped purely because I didn't want my mother at my wedding. It's been ten years and she doesn't have my husband's phone number. She is kept at arms length and I don't care how that makes her feel. Parents have to earn the relationship they will have with their adult children. They are not entitled to anything. Full stop.