'AITA for asking my girlfriend to take a shower?' 'Women don't really sweat much.'
AITA for asking my GF if she can take a shower?
Typically we go to the gym together, and I've often asked her why she doesn't shower, and she always comes with things like "Oh women don't really sweat much, and I sweat very little even for women's standards."
And I don't buy it, because I can smell. I used to just suck it up, because I know she's extremely sensitive. Kinda NSFW here but, this even affected our intimate life. After not showering after workouts/long work days etc I've lost interest.
Fast forward a bit. She now starts using the sauna at the gym. Maybe on average 2 times a week. She. Still. Refuses. To. Shower. I've said "There's just no way you don't sweat in the sauna, just me sitting 5 minutes in there gets me soaked." She says she doesn't sweat much there either. And she sits there for 20 minutes.
Things are now worse. I can smell her, very badly. Almost to the point where I try not to breathe in too close to her because it's not good. I've tried so long to give hints to get her to shower more, like: "Hey do you want to take a shower together ;)?" But she can't take the hint, and says "Why would we do that, there's only room for 1 under the water anyway"....
One evening, she wanted to lie down on the floor, and stare at a world map she has. She invited me to lie down next to her, and just talk about where we want to go etc. I lasted for about 1 minute, before I had to make up some dumb excuse as to why I had to get up. She then get's upset and says something along the lines of "Why are you leaving? You never do stuff with me" The truth is just I can't be close to her for long.
I'm not even sure if I started to resent her, because it was only this one thing that was bugging me in the relationship. But maybe I did, and that's my fault for being bad at communicating to her.
Anyway, I couldn't hold it any longer. I tried one last time to ask if she wanted to take a shower with me, to show I did want to do stuff with her, but she declined. Then I said "I know you say you don't sweat, but I can smell. I don't like the smell of sweat etc and it being a popular gym we go to, I would just appreciate if you showered a bit more."
She freaked out. WW3 started. She accused me of things and asked if I found her disgusting etc. It almost felt like she wanted me to think she's disgusting for some messed up reason?
Like this was an easy way to create distance between us, be less intimate, and all that. I'm not sure, maybe I'm overthinking it. It's just to me, it feels awfully obvious to shower if not daily, at least every other day. She said she doesn't want to shower her hair often, but still, you can shower your body. Our relationship is borderline over because I hurt her, so AITA? What could I have done differently?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
No-Daikon3645 said:
It's not just about sweat. Vaginal discharge, urine, and feces all add to smell. No wonder you don't want to be near her. I shower every other day and feel dirty if I don't. I have dry skin. Otherwise, I'd shower daily, but my skin hurts if it gets too dry. She should be showering at least that often, and absolutely after each visit to the gym and sauna. Gross.
Regular-Message9591 said:
NTA. I wouldn't be surprised if she has some sort of phobia or OCD about the shower if she's showering so infrequently, ignoring hints and flipping out over requests. In all sincerity, is it possible she has some kind of Asperger's or autism? Either that or she's happily dirty and smelly, and you two are incompatible in terms of personal hygiene.
"I'm not even sure if I started to resent her." Bro, I don't even know your girlfriend and I'm already resenting her. That's just straight up nasty. NTA and it's time to be blunt about how this is affecting you.
Effective-Tennis7082 said:
My opinion: After the first paragraph, I really went NTA, there's a reason why people shower daily, if not every other day. Devils advocate: Is she depressed or dealing with mental health issues?
That's a typical sign, because people would be too tired to shower. Mentioning she's sensitive, have a talk with her and see if she does have any mental health issues. Small edit: I'm approaching this as "WHY is she doing this", it could be for a variety of reasons. That being said, it's interesting to see both sides agreeing, and opposing.
CarrotNew4835 said:
I can understand her feeling sensitive about this, but you did approach it in the most polite and loving way that you could and even offered showering together as a very sweet way to fix the problem.
Your relationship is over because she is being gross. Not because you hurt her. It is common sense that if you get into a sauna you will sweat profusely and you should shower. She can get a shower cap for her hair. I can’t even imagine expecting someone to go down on me after I haven’t showered in a week. That’s just gross. You’re NTA.
PossibilityHuman3617 said:
I admire her level of confidence up to this point but hell no, NTA. I could never be with someone like this. Also routinely bath before being intimate, and if my partner needs to shower, I will gently ask. And he'll do it, because he is polite and it's courteous. I kinda wonder if there's something deeper going on, here. Like in what world does a person grow up to think they are magically above basic hygiene?
thefanciestcat said:
NTA. You did your best to hint. You did your best to not be rude when hinting didn't work. The fact is poor hygiene is disrespectful to the people around you, and it's straight up a middle finger to people you expect to touch you.
Here's a tip for everyone out there. People only ask about your shower habits if you smell bad. If people think you smell good, they'll just say you smell good. Maybe they'll ask what you do that smells good, but there will be a compliment in there.