'AITA for asking my half sister not to have my dad walk her down the aisle?' UPDATED 4X

"AITA for asking my half sister not to have my dad walk her down the aisle?"

Before my mom and dad married my mom was in a relationship with another man that produced a daughter, "Mary". They broke up shortly after Mary was born and within six months our mom had married my dad. They've been married for nearly 30 years and share four children (myself plus 3).

Mary is close with our sisters and brother but she and I have never really gotten along. We're just different personalities and see little of each other so as to remain civil when we are together. We both became engaged to marry around the same time. My dad has always loved Mary and viewed her as one of his kids, despite Mary having her own loving dad.

Mary's dad battled cancer at various times of his life and unfortunately he passed when Mary was 20. I suppose I've always been a little jealous that my dad has always viewed Mary as his child and she got the love of three parents. My dad has often said that part of falling in love with our mom was aided by baby Mary.

I understand that a stepfather can love a stepchild just as much as a biological child but factually I am my father's oldest child, his first daughter, and I always thought that I would be the first child he walked down the aisle, the first daughter he shared a father-daughter dance with. I've always thought that I am entitled to this as the first daughter and first child.

Mary has mentioned in our family Zoom chats that she's considering asking my dad to do the fatherly tasks at her wedding (walking down the aisle, giving her away, father-daughter dance) but she might also ask our brother, or one of her uncles from her dad's side, who she's very close to.

After that chat I called her to talk privately and asked her not to have my dad walk her down the aisle. I explained everything as I have above, apologized to her that her father can't be here, but my dad is not her dad and I can never get back any of those firsts if she takes them.

I pointed out that despite Mary not being his real child my dad saw her first words, her first steps, her first everything because he's been in her life since she was less than a year old, and when I came along none of those things were as special to my dad as they should have been, and he refers to me as his second child.

FWIW, Mary has never considered my dad anything more than a stepfather. They get along well, they love each other, but Mary has always been clear that her dad was her dad and my dad was her stepdad. Mary was incredibly offended by my request and called me a few choice names and logged off.

She is now ignoring my calls and texts as I try to further explain. She obviously told our mom and my dad because my dad sent me a text telling me that he was disappointed in me and that families come in all shapes and sizes. It was never my intent to hurt anyone, but I feel very strongly about this and had to speak up or regret it. Was I an AH?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

LuckStrict6000 wrote:

YTA. One of your younger sisters could have gotten married first anyway. There’s no entitlement to being the oldest sister and getting married first. Get over yourself.

design_dork wrote:

I'm guessing the OP probably wouldn't have made the same request of her younger sisters if they did get married first.

OP responded:

I would have. Mary just happened to be the first (half) sibling to get engaged.

design_dork wrote:

Wait a second. So if your younger sisters got engaged, you would've asked them to not have their dad walk them down the aisle or have a father daughter dance because you hadn't yet?

OP responded:

I mean, since you're asking, then yes. I have missed out on all the "firsts", I wanted one thing for myself that wasn't compared to Mary's.

Sea_Giraffe_6351 wrote:

INFO: Are you, like, 12 and addicted to Disney princess movies?

OP responded:

I'm 25 and what's wrong with loving Disney movies?

Not long after OP posted, her sister "Mary" found the post and called her out.

For the love of God...I think I might be "Mary", because this is literally what is happening with myself and my sister, Lucy. When our brother said that someone on AITA was posting something that was eerily similar to the fight going on I thought he was joking, but obviously he is not.

Hey all, I am "Mary", the aforementioned half-sister. I even resurrected my old account just to comment here. Lucy, stop blasting family problems on the internet, you've already taken this to Facebook and you're texting all of mom's family, you need to stop.

You aren't even actually engaged to Hunter yet, you've only been together for a few months. You know Seth and I have been together for seven years. Seriously, you've always been irrational but this is absolutely ridiculous. You need to take this post down and stop telling a half-skewed version of facts.

If anyone would like to know the parts of the story that she is leaving out feel free to message me or comment here. There's a lot more going on here than my sister is letting on. I'm sorry, everyone, you're investing yourselves in a half-baked drama without all the facts. My sister has always done this. I'm so sorry she's brought you all into it. I'm sorry.

Edit: I hope I've helped clear this thing up a little. At least, you have the rare opportunity to see the other side of the argument. I'm glad my brother saw this when he was sorting posts by new. Normally he scrolls past anything dealing with weddings but he said this one sort of hit home because of what's going on and he knew it was us from reading it.

I'm going to go away now, I'm tired, I've got to work in the morning. I hope this has been helpful to some. Thanks, everyone, for listening. Good night.

Lucy...,get help. Love you.

Commenters, including OP, were quick to respond to Mary.

OP responded:

Grace, go away.

GoldenNebulas wrote:

Actually I think we all want Grace to stay.

design_dork wrote:

I would like Grace to stay.

BabyAlibi wrote:

I'm getting the popcorn ready.

Simose08 wrote:

What’s she leaving out then?

After people made it clear they wanted to hear her side of things, "Mary" shared another post with more of the story.

Okay, so basically, my dad did not just pass away, I was his next-of-kin and had to order life support turned off because at the end of his life he neglected to make a will or a DNR or anything stating his wishes, so at 20 years old I essentially had to "kill" my father and I went through a severe mental breakdown afterward.

Lucy's father, my stepdad, who I've never referred to by his first name but as Pa, was instrumental in helping me heal and move on from my dad's death. If it hadn't been for him being a father to me I might not be here today. He and I talk at least three times a week, we also share several online game teams with each other, and we have lunch at least four times a month and just catch up.

OP, hereafter known as Lucy, has always been jealous of me because I got the best of both worlds being a 50/50 kid. My dad had more money than our mom and pa because he had one child so my lifestyle was vastly different than hers. I tried my best to never flaunt it but little kids make mistakes in learning.

Lucy also has a habit of saying she's in these deep relationships when she isn't. I have been incredibly lucky in my love life. I met my fiancé, Seth, when we were in our early 20s and we just fell for each other. We were talking marriage within the first year but held off until we were more mature, older, and wiser.

Ever since then Lucy has "dated" men and acted like they were her soul mates. In truth she basically stalks these poor guys and goes full-on Overly Attached Girlfriend until they break up with her and she spends the next decade talking smack about them when she is the problem in every relationship.

She's been dating a guy for a few months and then Seth and I officially announce our engagement and suddenly she and this boy are engaged and in love and she's finally found the one person to make her happy forever.

And, she didn't ask me not to have Pa walk me down the aisle, she ordered me not to. It was never a request out of sisterly love, she sent me a curse and insult laden text message demanding that I have someone else walk me down the aisle or I'd be sorry, whatever that means.

Pa isn't just disappointed, he and mom aren't speaking to her right now because after I told them about Lucy's latest meltdown Pa called her and Lucy went off on him. Oh, and Lucy also told me that if I want a dad to walk me down the aisle then I should consider investing in a shovel or a backhoe and hoping the human decay process isn't too far along. Yep.

The commenters were deeply invested in "Mary's" side of things.

[deleted] wrote:

Hi, just wanted to mention that you should probably password lock everything for your wedding. Your venue, the caterers, whatever else goes into a wedding - password lock it so no one (cough Lucy cough) can sabotage your wedding.

maybeitbe wrote:

Did she threaten you via text or chat that's obviously traced to her phone number? Because that seems like an easy protective order. Get that stuff together for yourself and the rest of your family, because the internet telling her she's an AH is just going to make her madder.

Any possibility of getting a 72 hour hold on her for mental health? Seriously. She seems unstable after reading all these things and idk if she may hurt herself or others.

Salemander98 wrote:

Oof I’m sorry that sounds rough. Thank you for indulging the curiosity though! I truly wish you the best on your wedding and getting this whole thing figured out!

zumodelemoncino wrote:

Oh my dear, first of all I am sorry for your loss. I particularly love and idolize my father, so I can't measure the pain of losing someone like that. But your half sister worries me. It looks unstable and dangerous. The delusional and cruel kind. The way she spoke about her desire to have her father take you to the altar was...my god, even as a journalist, I can't find a word for this vile act.

Please look for all the physical and legal ways to keep "Lucy" from you and your family. She seems to have drastic tendencies. As a wife and mother, I can only wish you all the happiness in the world. May god bless you a lot, and may he give you wisdom, patience and protection.

Not long after receiving support, "Mary" shared another update (OP, was at this point silent).

Err, let me see, since Lucy wants to air dirty laundry in public, then I see no reason why I should refrain. Its cathartic, I suppose.

I once won a very prestigious local writing competition and Lucy was so angry that I did that she burned a box set of my favorite books.

I was bought a small car when I was 16 and Lucy was so angry that she went Carrie Underwood on it.

She spent the entirety of my dad's funeral mocking it because he was a Catholic and I was raised Catholic as well and his funeral was a high mass.

I did a little acting when I was in my early 20s, never got famous but I got a nice little chunk of change, one role got me a little press attention. Lucy, then a teenager, shared several embarrassing stories and photos with the reporters. Fortunately I can find no trace of any of it online so I guess I got saved.

Oh, my dad, a second generation Italian-American, took me on a trip to the town his ancestors came from in Italy before they immigrated, and Lucy sent me several wikipedia articles on plane crashes.

But, fear not, she's like this with our other siblings as well.

The comments kept rolling in.

ApolloSimba wrote:

This is going to sound harsh but your parents failed her. They never should have let a 13 year old with serious mental health issues stop therapy. You say they have cut contact now and that's probably a good start. They can't keep enabling her or she will never get better.

Mary responded:

Trust me when I tell you, they tried. Her dropping out of therapy, that wasn't where they stopped. There were so many therapists, so much one-on-one with her so she'd feel valued, there's a lot I can't detail on Reddit because even my nutty sister deserves medical privacy, but our parents tried as hard as they could. Some people just don't want to be helped. But they tried.

[deleted] wrote:

I bet your parents are deeply disappointed in her. If you have to have her at your wedding, have someone there who can haul her ass out when she acts up. Because she will. Her intense jealousy seems out of control. How sad for the rest of you. I’m so sorry you have to deal with someone like this.

a_squid_beast wrote:

I'm very sorry this whole thing is happening. Having just read her side of events, I felt sad for her, and told people they were being harsh. This is clearly a person who is deeply hurt and angry for some reason; she has a lot of issues. But the comment about digging up your deceased father? Absolutely reprehensible. I hope your wedding is beautiful, and you are very happy.

After receiving a lot of comments about OP needing therapy, Mary shared another update.

From as far back as the age of 7 she has had teachers and other adults advocating she get therapy. Our parents put her in therapy but she stopped going when she was 13 and the therapist couldn't do anything about it.

Around the age of 10 our mom and pa and the kids actually moved to California for mom's career, I stayed behind in New York with my dad because I couldn't stand living with Lucy anymore. She was like this as a small child. None of this is new behavior.

I love her and I wish she would get help. She has moments where she can be an incredible person; she's an advocate for animal rights and has saved over 100 animals that otherwise would have d**d or been k#$led, she volunteers at nursing homes and homeless shelters.

She once raised over $20,000 for a local DV shelter, she's an amazing singer, she can paint, dance, she's smart as a whip and got a doctorate at age 22. She's also just nuttier than squirrel poo.

Support kept pouring in for Mary.

design_dork wrote:

Mary/Grace, I would like to take this opportunity to tell you that I hope you have the most beautiful wedding imaginable, surrounded by people you love and who care about you.

If your Pa walks you down the aisle and there's not a dry eye in the house. I hope the food's delicious and the cake is the best damn cake ever (or whatever dessert you want, pie is underrated as a wedding dessert I think).

I hope you don't let Lucy's jealously and selfishness get in the way of you have the most amazing wedding ever. I have never been more invested in a stranger's wedding but dammit Grace you deserve it

Mary responded:

Thank you, you're very kind. It's going to be a very small, very intimate, very safe affair. My groom and I recently bought a property that has a large field and we're hoping for the summer time. We get some gorgeous fireflies along the tree-line and there's room enough for the tables and dancing and all that.

My Italian side is bringing pasta and Italian desserts, and my mom's side are bringing a pork smoker and we're gonna have a pig, some seafood, a whole smorgasbord. Then I guess we'll just get drunk and wake up wherever. We'll see how it goes.

fallen_star2319 wrote:

Sounds like she might have a narcissistic personality, given the descriptions you've given of her behavior in other comments. If she does, it would explain a lot about her behavior and how it has persisted her entire life.

I'm not trying to armchair diagnose, as it could also be a variety of other problems, but without her sitting down with a professional and, most importantly, not lying to the medical professional, nothing'll come of it.