'AITA for 'betraying' my friends by having a secret boyfriend?'
"AITA for 'betraying' my friends by having a secret boyfriend?"
I (24F) have a pretty horrible dating history. I've never had a relationship end in a way that wasn't a world shattering disaster (multiple cheating cases, ghosting, abuse, etc). Last year I had the worst breakup of my entire life that shook me up for a full year and some change. I don't have a big circle but I have a small group of friends that are all aware of my bad history with relationships.
This year I decided to dip my toe back into dating after the breakup and was casually seeing a few people over about 4-6 weeks. Other important context is that I have bipolar, and if you didn't know, a big part of that is getting very excited over new things and having your interest die over time.
The same goes with relationships, you tend to get really hyped and optimistic after a good first date only for things to fizzle and have to tell everyone it didn't work out, which can be really embarrassing.
This time when I decided to date around, I deliberately didn't tell anyone I was doing it. I'm just a little sick of messaging all my friends about this nice new person I'm seeing only for it not to work out, and they're probably sick of me telling them all about new things I'm interested in, knowing it'll fizzle away. I am working on it, I'm just aware that I'm hard to deal with.
While dating around on a few apps I met my current boyfriend, and I realized quickly I wanted to see him more than just a casual/FYB situation. We saw each other a few times before deciding to be exclusive. I didn't tell any of my friends just in case it didn't work out, but now it's been 4 months and still going steady so I decided to tell people.
I sent a few pictures to my group chats saying "hard launch," expecting people to laugh with me, especially since I'm hilariously bad at keeping secrets. Basically everybody blew up at me, telling me I had lied to them for 4 months and that I was being weird and betraying their friendship and trust by not telling them I had a boyfriend.
I hate lying outright so the whole time I was lying by omission, just not telling them I was going on dates and then seeing someone exclusively. I'm mortified and don't want to lose all my friends over something I thought would just be a fun surprise/funny reveal.
If I genuinely messed up and this wasn't an OK thing for me to do I want to know, I'm neurodivergent so it's hard for me to know with things like this. I'm not trying to rally people into my corner, if this is something that would generally hurt people I want to know so I can do better next time.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
SelinaRochell22 said:
You're NTA. It's nothing wrong with holding your cards close to your chest and giving some things time to develop. You are GROWING. You noticed a pattern that you didn't like, and you changed it. You seem really mature and self-aware. This internet stranger is proud of you! Congrats on the new relationship!
revengeofthebiscuit said:
NTA. I am a super private person and don’t bring an SO around friends or family until I’m sure about the relationship. I’m entitled that, as is every adult in a consensual relationship. Your friends are totally overreacting and not being very mature.
Narwen189 said:
Yikes. I thought you were a highschooler or something, by how your friends are acting. You don't need their permission to date, and you don't have to tell them about every little thing. NTA. I think it's great you've learned to be more careful with your heart.
Spiritual-Handle2983 said:
NTA. You did something for you and prioritized your own emotional and mental health before sharing with others. It’s understandable to your friends to feel taken aback but no one is entitled to know everything about YOUR life. This is your life and not gossip, when you felt secure you shared.
Genuine friends will be happy for you at the end of the day. I would let your friends know you wanted to be sure before hard launching him and now that you are, you felt ready to share with those close to you.
Embarrassed_Map1112 said:
NTA. Your dating life shouldn’t have to be anyone’s business if you don’t want it to be.
leovinuss said:
NTA. He wasn't your boyfriend officially, you nailed it with the hard launch comment. They had no right to know before that