"AITA for breaking up with her after I saw her apartment?"
I had been seeing this girl for a few months. We met through a friend so I had known her a little longer but she was gorgeous and I was super into her. Last Saturday she invited me to her place which I had never been to. She had mentioned her apartment was a mess and I laughed cause I thought she was just being self deprecating, but when we got to her place...hooooly crap dude.
I want to start off by saying I know that people have their reasons for stuff like this and I don't want to be disrespectful in any way. But the state of her apartment was genuinely shocking when I first went in. It was a pretty small place and I'm not just talking about clutter.
Literal piles of trash on the floor, sink full of dishes overflowing onto the counter, stains on the couch and carpet, week old food on the table and just piles and piles of stuff everywhere. Not to mention the overpowering smell of mold and mildew that I could literally taste in my mouth.
She told me to sit down and stuff like it was completely normal and I tried not to act weird but I'm sure she noticed. I stayed for a bit and we watched a movie on the couch but I left before it got too late.
The next day I called her and told her I didn't think things were gonna be compatible between us and she got mad at me for leading her on and breaking up with her for no reason. I didn't mention the apartment but idk maybe I should have.
Literally nothing about her appearance or personality would lead me to expect this so it was sort of unbelievable to see the state she was living in. I feel bad for her and I'm worried I might have acted too quickly.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Icy-Internal8263 said:
NTA. But I do think you should've mentioned the apartment. People who don't know what the problem is cannot take any corrective action. Tell her and move on.
Whatever53143 said:
There’s a difference between clutter and filth. Also hoarding is a real problem. It’s not like you expected it to be spotless, but yikes! Women don’t like dating men who live like pigs so why should men put up with it.
LostCtrl-Splatt said:
Nta. I've had a similar situation that was pretty spot on apart from she wasn't very attractive. The kitchen had cups with a fungus growing on top of the liquid, dirty underwear scattered in the bedroom and hallway.
Her kids had been taken away by CPS. I saw the letter and quickly skimped over it. Having kids myself, I didn't want that happening to me. I don't mind a mess, but as previously stated, if you have cups with life in it you are a bit beyond messy.
M_Pfefferi said:
I wish I had paid attention to this red flag. I didn’t, and now I’m having to extricate myself from a long-term relationship that has been severely damaging to my mental health. NTA.
Thunt4jr said:
NTA. I married my wife without really knowing what her lifestyle was like. From what I understood, she grew up homeless after her parents divorced, and because of that, she developed a habit of hoarding. She’s constantly afraid of becoming homeless again, so she holds onto everything.
If I had known what life with her would be like, I probably would have walked away before it got serious. But I stayed married for nine years, and honestly, it was a nightmare. I was always cleaning up after her and trying to get rid of stuff we didn’t need. She had things like 21 sewing machines, five litter boxes for one cat, and she even collected old razors that other people had used.
Now I’m finally going through a divorce, and I feel like I can breathe again. If I had known about her hoarding issues from the beginning, I never would have moved forward with the relationship. You are absolutely not the asshole. That kind of behavior is a major red flag.
Poonic said:
You don’t owe anyone a relationship if you already know you’re not compatible, better to end it early than resent her later.
miramused said:
Compatibility isn't just about chemistry it's also about hygiene. If I have to dodge pizza boxes like landmines just to sit down, that’s not “quirky,” that’s a health hazard. You didn’t ghost her, you bowed out respectfully. That’s not being shallow, that’s self-preservation.