'AITA for bribing my daughter to get in her car seat because it's easier? My husband is upset.'
"AITA for bribing my daughter to get in her car seat?"
My daughter 9f has been throwing fits every time we get in the car lately because she doesn't want to sit in her booster seat. She says it's for babies and she shouldn't have to sit in it because she's not a baby.
We believe she probably got teased by a friend at her school saying booster seats were for babies and that's where this started, and it doesn't help that her brother 12m has noticed how she feels about her booster seat and has started making fun of her for it when she is annoying him sometimes.
I 41f am not currently working so I'm the one taking the kids to school and her tantrums have become very difficult to deal with and they make me dread going anywhere with her.
So a few days ago I offered to buy her a toy she wanted if she would get in her seat and not throw a tantrum, she reluctantly agreed and this got her into her seat. The next day I offered her two cookies if she got into her seat and didn't throw a tantrum this worked as well.
Then it became something I did every day to get her into her seat and now I do it every time we get in the car. Today my husband 42m was out saying goodbye to us for the day before we left and noticed me bribing our daughter and asked what i was doing, I told him about how I've been bribing her to get her in her booster seat and how it's been working and he was furious.
He asked me how long I planned on bribing her with cookies and toys and if I planned on doing so until we had spent all our money on her tantrums. I told him it was the easiest way to get her into her seat but he was still very upset.
He's been upset with me ever since.
The internet did not hold back one bit.
OrindaSardinia wrote:
This... this is not sustainable. If her brother is mocking her, he should experienced consequences for that. I would make him sit in a booster seat until he learns to shut it... but other options, depending in the child, would be limiting screen time, etc, along with an appropriate discussion about why booster seats exist.
Perhaps if he watched a crash test dummy video of what happens when a child with a seat belt on, gets in a car accident when not in a booster and the seat belt holds them in the wrong way... and then make sure he imagines his sister being the crash test dummy. Your daughter should be told that she either sits in the booster or she can't be in the car.
Let her walk or ride her bike to school one day. I doubt it will last longer than one day. Depending on her disposition, she might also like to see those crash test videos. My children are currently 7 & 9... I understand the vicissitudes of 9 year olds. I am not above using thinks like cookies for rewards... but this is not a good situation for a rewards system like that.
I would say ESH. You may just be so exhausted by life that you can't proactively think of appropriate consequences, and you resorted to an ill-thought out, path of least resistance, but it just isn't a good or sustainable option. She needs to understand WHY a booster is a necessity, and you're skipping that to get results. I understand, but it isn't good parenting.
I'm giving AH points to your husband for reacting poorly in the moment, when this should have been an issue discussed between the two of you at a later time. Your husband broke the most important rule of parenting, which is showing a united front, he should never allow the children an opportunity to divide and conquer their parents!
While your reward system is not good, it happening one more time was not a danger to your daughter, so he should have brought it up and had a collaborative discussion on how you both wanted to handle the situation moving forward, together, at a later time.
stepintothefairyring wrote:
YTA you haven't addressed the issue, or your daughters feelings, or your sons teasing, you're rewarding behaviour you don't want to see from your daughter, and I can only imagine how your son is feeling seeing his sister getting treats every day - all because you've decided being lazy is more convenient to you than being a parent.
K3Elisa wrote:
YTA. You are negotiating with your nine year old over a safety concern, this is absurd. There are plenty of circumstances where you can give your child choices, car safety is not one of them. Buckle up/carseat/booster seat or there will be consequences. End of discussion.
castle_waffles wrote:
YTA congrats-you have taught your daughter throwing a fit pays off. Long term you’ve bought yourself more fits.
Accomplished_Two1611 wrote:
The car doesn't move unless she is in the seat. I assume it's due to her size. Maybe her pediatrician can explain it. As much as people will say it's an incentive, she has learned a tactic to make you paying her to do what she should do. She doesn't want to go to school, she will if she is paid. A terrible precedent to set. Her father should drive her for a week. I bet he will come up with a solution. ESH.
ScarletNotThatOne wrote:
ESH. Kids at school for teasing your daughter. Your daughter for being unwilling to use the seat. Your son for teasing your daughter. You for permitting your son to tease your daughter about that. You for using incessant incentives instead of solving the problem.
Your husband for not suggesting a better way to solve the problem. And me likewise. BTW this is not bribery. Bribery is paying someone to do something they shouldn't do. Incentives are paying someone to do something they should do.
Totalindependence881 wrote:
At that age I explained my kid two things. First was what was legally required. (Age 8 and under required booster seat.) And what was considered safe. (The seatbelt placement on hips and chest/shoulder.) Kid understood and started testing every car she rode in for seat belt placement safety on her body, only grabbing the booster seat when required for safety.