'AITA for calling out my boyfriend's female friend in front of everyone?'

"AITA for calling out my boyfriend’s female friend in front of everyone?"

I (33F) have been dating my boyfriend (33M) for almost a year. Early on, I met his friend group (mostly men from his former workplace). Everyone was nice to me, except for one person - his only female friend, who was unpleasant from the very beginning.

The first time I even heard about her was when my boyfriend read me a message from her. She said she wanted to gift him one of her paintings for his living room, but added that she’d only do it if his girlfriend weren’t an artist, because then I should paint it. The way she phrased it made it feel like she was trying to compete with me for my boyfriend.

We had a difficult conversation about it, and the next time he hosted a party, I insisted on being there to see for myself whether the “she’s just like that/she’s joking” explanation was justified.

The moment she walked in, she greeted me and immediately started trash-talking another guy’s new girlfriend. I found that really problematic - especially because none of the men stopped her, and she only stopped when the guy whose girlfriend she had been talking about showed up.

Throughout the night, she made several comments that didn’t sit right with me. I was quiet at first because I didn’t know everyone. I had cooked food and was serving it, standing near the table, and she commented on how she could never be the type of girl who “just quietly stands next to a table,” in the context of male-female relationship dynamics.

She also “joked” that my boyfriend should wrestle in his underwear for fun and kept watching me to see my reaction. She complained that she can’t find a boyfriend because “everyone has a problem with her boys.” I experienced her behavior as territorial - like “I’m one of the boys”/“they are mine” - and it felt disrespectful.

At one point, I went into another room, and my boyfriend followed to ask if I was okay. I told him his female friend was acting rudely. The last straw that night was when I walked out of the living room and heard her whisper something right as I left. As soon as everyone left, I snapped and asked my boyfriend why she would do that, because it felt obvious she was whispering about me.

He said it was nothing and that she had only asked him if he was happy with me. That whole situation made me feel insecure, and I felt strongly that it was his responsibility to set boundaries with his friend so I wouldn’t have to do it as the “new person” in his group.

He kept telling me to ignore her. I told my boyfriend then that I would not allow anyone to humiliate me, and that if he didn’t address it next time, I would react myself.

Months later, my boyfriend told me that the other girlfriend (the one she had trashed) also had a problem with her and labeled her a “pick me” type immediately. That made me feel less crazy, and it seemed like he finally understood why I was uncomfortable.

Then his birthday came. The night before the celebration, he tried to convince me I maybe shouldn’t be there, while I had already taken time off work and started making cake, sweets, snacks, and even five pizzas. I felt offended because it felt like he was willing to “hide” me from his friends to avoid discomfort, instead of addressing the disrespect. He apologized, and we agreed I should be there.

Before she came, she told him she wanted mulled wine. I told him that after all the work I had already done, she could cook it herself, or he could do it - I wouldn’t be handling special requests on top of everything.

The party started fine. Everyone praised the food I made, and I said I enjoyed cooking. She commented on, “Oh, the women who like to cook,” which felt dismissive.

Later, she made another comment about how she should get married so none of her guy friends would have “problems with their girlfriends” anymore. Then she kept pushing - trying to get that other guy to tell her what “problem” his girlfriend had with her, with an “I’ll explain it to her” attitude.

After a few gin and tonics and listening to that pressure, I entered the conversation and said, “I also had a problem with you.” I started shaking, and I told her - pretty harshly - about the painting comment, the trash-talking, and the behavior that felt like she was testing me. We agreed that this was something my boyfriend should have handled earlier by setting boundaries, instead of letting it build.

During that confrontation, I learned she had apparently been saying nice things about me to him - and that he had been downplaying the closeness of their friendship this whole time. I also remember thinking: So the other guy talks badly about his girlfriend to you, and then it’s okay for you to do the same?

The whole situation was humiliating because it happened in front of people who were her friends, not mine. She ended up leaving upset and crying. After she left, I asked my boyfriend if he was texting her, and he replied, “What do you care?” That comment offended me.

The next morning, he told me I ruined that friendship for him and that I wasn’t empathetic toward her. He also said he couldn’t say anything to her because he “still doesn’t understand what the problem is” and that that conversation would be very unpleasant for him. That made me feel like he had been agreeing with me for months just to keep the peace - without actually taking my feelings seriously.

I sent her a long apology message afterwards, explaining why I snapped and that I hoped we could resolve it calmly. She didn’t reply. But after my boyfriend’s reaction, I took my things from his apartment and left because I felt there was no empathy for me - only expectations that I should show empathy toward her.

We agreed to pause the conversation for a few days to cool off, but I don’t know how to fix this. I feel he avoided setting boundaries and let it get worse until it exploded, and now he blames it all on me. At the same time, I also regret not taking the high road and ignoring her comments instead of creating a scene at his birthday - and also making things worse by leaving with my stuff.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Truebeliever-14 said:

Her friendship is obviously more important to him than your relationship. You should have dumped him when he tried to disinvite you from his party.

PerspectiveKookie16 said:

YTA for thinking this is a problem with the friend and not a boyfriend problem. You blow right by him disinviting you to his birthday party. You can’t see the forest for the trees and the forest is on fire.

TeacupCollector2011 said:

NTA. This is yet another time when a person has a partner problem. He should have been the one to tell his "friend" to stop disrespecting you and making you feel uncomfortable. But he didn't.

TeacupCollector2011 said

The only thing you might have done differently is that you could have handled this with her in private instead of calling her out in public. You might be a slight AH for this, but I also have a feeling that calling her out in public might have been the only way to go for someone who was so ready, willing, and able to put you down at every opportunity.

LincolnHawkHauling said:

NTA. Why do people stay in relationships like this. The whole situation sucks and you clearly aren’t your boyfriend’s priority here. He’s made that abundantly clear several times in your post.

Just find a new boyfriend! You sound like a wonderful girlfriend with a lot to offer based on everything you’ve shared while your boyfriend is 33 but acting like immature and oblivious college kid. You’ll be much happier in a relationship that doesn’t have this weird dynamic to contend with. When someone shows you who they are believe them.

ReginaWindsorTS said:

This has been going on too long. The problem isn't really with her, it's with him or with you. If you're right and not paranoid - and I am giving you the benefit of the doubt here, some of the stuff you say she said sounds pretty deliberate to me, then your bf should have taken you seriously from the beginning.

That he still hasn't is not good. It's clear that you'll never be happy in this situation and he's not the kind of person who'll handle it for you. He'll resent you for asking. Seems that simple to me.