"AITA for canceling a date over the location?"
I, 28f, recently cancelled a second date with someone, 38m, because it felt like a test on his end for how much I would tolerate in the future. I’m wondering if I was too harsh? Met on a dating app, went out for a coffee. Made loose plans for dinner the following week, and he specifically said dinner several times.
When we were discussing said dinner over the next few days, he seemed to want to be the one to do the actual planning. I was fine with that - I find it rare to have potential partners take initiative with planning these days so I was actually excited.
He asked if I had any dietary restrictions and I let him know that I only have two major requirements - I don’t eat red meat, and I do not drink, as I’m a recovering alcoholic. I have almost two years sober and we discussed at length during our first date what we are both comfortable in terms of substance use.
I told him directly that I don’t mind if a date has a drink with dinner, but that I will never again touch alcohol again. I also stressed that I am absolutely not a picky eater and truly love all forms of cuisine, I just am unable to eat red meat for both health and personal reasons - I have a history of cardiac illness and have been advised to stick to poultry and fish.
The night before the date, he tells me that he’s made a reservation at a spot I hadn’t heard of. I looked it up and texted him a link asking if I had the correct place because it was a cocktail lounge. He replied that it was correct - he liked their small bites menu.
I checked the menu and the were only a few options - a meat and cheese board, with only two cheeses and four meats, (no substitutions for extra cheese instead of the meat allowed per the menu), a pepperoni pizza, a burger, and a cheese pizza. I wasn’t that upset, but was a bit confused that it was a cocktail lounge with only one option that I could enjoy.
While I was still looking at the menu, he texted again to say that he thought we could go to that lounge for dinner and then head to a nearby art themed bar for a nightcap. At that point I was honestly pretty thoroughly confused. Neither location were truly restaurants - they were bars, and he was fully aware that I’m a recovering alcoholic.
I genuinely am okay at restaurants that have alcohol options, but I was honestly a little godsmacked at the suggestion of two bars. Not restaurants with alcohol options. These are, first and foremost, bars. I decided to take the evening to think about it but texted him the next day that I didn’t think moving forward with a date was a good plan.
My gut instinct was that if he chose a date location that violated the only two restrictions I gave, it was a test to see how much I’d put aside my wants and needs in the future. We live in a major city and I want to stress that there’s *hundreds* of really incredible options for food here.
I would have been fine with quite literally anything else that was mostly restaurant-service focused and had a couple non-red meat options. It was the fact that both spots he chose were strictly bars, and the food that they did have left me with one single option. He responded kind of strangely after I let him know I didn’t think we were a good match as well - he said “we’ll leave it at that” and nothing else.
Now I’m doubting myself. My friends have said I’m not crazy for thinking the choices were strange at best and inconsiderate or intentional at worst. But I wanted to get objective opinions from folks I don’t know too. Was this actually a red flag or am I overreacting?
For what it’s worth, I’m also not desperate to date or have a partner. I own a successful small business and have a fantastic group of friends as well as several hobbies that I’m dedicated to, and I have my own home - I am in no rush to settle down, especially for the wrong person.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Hot_Needleworker4631 said:
NTA. You were entirely correct he was testing or taunting you. You gave two basic restrictions and he went out of his way to plan a date that not only ignored both, but blatantly did everything possible to violate those preferences. I think his response was him realizing his idea backfired and knew there was no way to justify that.
LeaveDull9794 said:
Flaming flag. Do not second guess yourself. At best he is highly inconsiderate at worst he is sinister and intentionally testing your boundaries which could eventually lead to relapse. These types of behaviors don’t happen on a vacuum. Block him. Confidently. You made the right decision.
Monstertheory777 said:
NTA. That’s like someone taking me to a shellfish restaurant after telling them I’m allergic. It’s giving “well a little won’t hurt you."
Pastel_Brat said:
Girl!! These are the moments you don't need to doubt yourself. Excellent choice! Your gut said.
HelenAngel said:
NTA. He was either testing you or hoping he could make you start drinking again. I actually had something similar happen. I can’t drink due to health reasons, told a perspective date this, & they also only suggested bars.
When I turned down the date because I thought it was weird, he tossed out in a rage-fueled monologue that he gets his kicks from getting non-drinking women drunk. So sadly, yes, there are men like this. You dodged a bullet.
Shane-Dad-underfire said:
NTA, it does feel way more intentional then it does inconsiderate. I'd equate it to taking a vegan to a steakhouse with zero vegan options and subtlety suggesting the entire time they should have a bite.