"AITA for causing issues in my best friend’s marriage?"
I (30F) have been best friends with A (31M) since we were 10. We grew up together, went to the same schools, and are like siblings. There has never been anything romantic between us. Our families are very close, and my mom treats him like a son.
In high school, A met his now wife, Bea (31F). Bea and I were part of the same larger friend group with four other girls, A, and two other guys. I was close to her at the time, I even helped set her and A up. After high school, A moved abroad for med school. Bea and I stayed in the same city, but she and the four other girls formed a new group chat and social circle that excluded me.
It hurt, but I took it as a clear signal they didn’t want to be close, so I moved on and made other friends. I don’t hold any resentment about this now. A and I remained best friends. When he visited home, we spent time together when he wasn’t with Bea.
I always spoke well of Bea, heard about her through A, and always held her in high regard as being secure and level headed, especially given their long-distance relationship. A continued to be included in my family events. During this time, I met and married my husband (33M). He fully trusts me, adores A, and has never felt threatened by our friendship.
Last month, A and Bea got married after 14 years together. In my culture, weddings are multi-day events. Because A is basically family, I helped with behind-the-scenes responsibilities during the wedding. I also made sure A and Bea stayed hydrated through the long ceremonies.
Only two girls from Bea’s girl group attended. When I greeted them warmly, they were extremely icy in response. Every subsequent encounter was rude and curt. Bea was also cold and distant towards me. I decided not to dwell on it and enjoy A's big day.
When I got home, A sent a long message apologizing for Bea’s behavior. I was shocked, I didn’t even know she had an issue with me. A told me Bea felt resentment partly due to her girl friends speaking negatively about me over the years. This confused me, as I haven’t interacted with them in years, don’t use social media, and live in another country.
He also said Bea felt hurt that I treated him like family but didn’t include her in family events. From my perspective, Bea had distanced herself from me years ago and never tried to maintain a relationship outside that group, so I respected that boundary.
I understand marriage changes dynamics and that Bea may want more inclusion, but I don’t understand how I’m expected to treat her like family when she never even treated me like a friend, and actively excluded me at one point. A is torn up and wants me to have a good relationship with Bea.
I reached out to her, offered an honest conversation, and said I’d take accountability or apologize if I hurt her, but she wasn’t receptive. I even told A I would step back if my presence causes stress in their marriage, but A doesn’t want that either. So… AITA? What am I doing wrong, and what should I be doing now?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Clairita462 said:
NTA from what you've written. It sounds like their relationship brought the drama/mess, not you. It seems pretty clear that Bea has an unfounded sense of jealousy towards you, and A was not able to handle it well and reassure her or nothing he said would be able to do that.
Bea's friends are likely being overly protective for her sake. It's highly possible that A has complimented you too much while you're not around and done things to make Bea jealous. But absolutely none of that really has to do with you, and it's just guesses.
You've honestly done everything right, I'd say, which is rough because there's not much for you to do. It's really on A and Bea to figure this out. I'd take their lead on what they would like going forward, and remove yourself if you feel uncomfortable (like if A invites you but Bea doesn't seem to like that). Rough situation.
Ill-Reflection165 said:
NTA. Communication and acceptance are two way streets. If Bea wanted a closer more familial relationship with you, distancing herself and harboring resentment aren't the way to express it. It sounds like she gave vibes that she was uninterested and all you did was respect that. You didn't cause any issues.
She's making an issue where there doesn't have to be one. This is easily resolved by effort and an honest conversation between the two of you were you discuss the relationship you'd like to have.
hadMcDofordinner said:
Why apologize for some hurt feelings that she made up in her head? NTA You did nothing wrong. Ignore Bea as much as possible in the future, keep your focus on your friendship with A and make sure your own life is as happy as it can be. Bea is not your friend NOR your problem.
owls_and_cardinals said:
Look, you seem level-headed here but you were 'shocked' at A's message? It seems like you have turned a blind eye to Bea's animosity towards you more than once, so I don't see how A finally stating that Bea has a problem with you would be a surprise.
I guess the best version of things is that you didn't let yourself get roped into petty drama. But the flip side of that coin is that you quietly nurtured a closeness with A, well into adulthood, that excluded his GF turned fiancee turned wife. You and A are both the AHs in my view for not doing a better job including her.
As your relationship with A grew out of childhood, it should not have been "business as usual." You became adults. You developed serious partnerships and began to build your lives. Continuing to pretend Bea doesn't exist, or acting like it's the same as helping him get ready for a hs dance or something, is a problem. I'll go ESH. I don't think you are totally innocent. I think Bea handled it poorly and so did A.