"AITA for choosing my grandpa to walk me down the aisle over my stepfather?"
My dad died when I was 11 years old. I was 12 when my mom and stepfather met and 13 when they got married. He's not a bad guy. I don't dislike him or hate him. But I never saw him as a father figure or second dad/bonus dad (insert whatever verbiage you'd use here). This was something I was forthcoming with.
It was discussed in sessions with my individual therapist and with a family therapist where my mom and stepfather were present. He told me he was disappointed to hear that and wanted to work on bridging the gap so he would be that fatherly presence but I told him I wasn't open to working on that.
It came up again after I moved out and had settled into college. He was disappointed when I introduced them as my mom and her husband (his name). When the people I introduced them to left he told me he figured they'd be introduced as my parents and I told him my view of him not being a father figure was unchanged for me.
My mom was like give it time and I was still young but I told them it would be better if they could just accept it. From the time I was born to now I was extremely close to my paternal grandpa. He and my dad were a lot alike but he was also so good to me and loving to me before dad died and after.
When dad was sick he was there for me every day. When dad died he wiped away way more tears than anyone else and built me back up better than anyone. He paid my way through college and he helped me rent an apartment during my time there.
He knew my dad had left some money tied in a trust for me for college, but he wanted me to save that to put toward a house or a rainy day fund instead and he chose to help me and do what dad couldn't.
So for me the choice to ask grandpa to walk me down the aisle was always obvious. And it's just him because I am so much closer to him than I am my stepfather and I love him and want him by my side. I don't feel that way about my stepfather. I told my mom and stepfather ahead of time and they said nothing. It's only after asking my grandpa and after he accepted that they are complaining about my choice.
My stepfather said it's disrespectful to him as he was a more traditional father figure than grandpa was. He said it also feels like an insult when he made it clear since day one he wanted to be close to me and be that father figure. I told him I had always been clear in return that it wasn't how I saw him. He accused me of punishing him for my dad's death and minimizing the love he has for me.
My mom tried to talk to me 1to1 to make me reconsider. She told me this might be my wedding but I should consider the people who matter most to me. I told her I am. That I asked the person who mattered most to me. She said that should be my stepfather and he shouldn't have to pay for my wedding in order to get the honor. I told her nobody had to pay for the honor because it's my choice alone. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Goidelica said:
NTA, this man and your mother need to grow up and realize that all this pushing is just pushing you away. It's never going to happen, they should never have tried to pressure you into this. That's not how love works. At this stage they're starting to make your wedding about them. Good luck, enjoy your wedding.
Ok_Childhood_9774 said:
NTA, and I'm surprised that your mom and stepdad are acting surprised at you choosing your grandfather. Surely, they've seen how close the two of you are? Walking you down the aisle isn't something anyone should feel entitled to.
If a bride chooses to follow that tradition, they usually want to honor the man (or woman) that they feel has been the biggest supporter in their life. Stepdad knows you never saw him that way. You can certainly acknowledge his role in your life in your thank yous, but that doesn't mean he gets to escort you down the aisle.
PieceFit said:
People need to understand when you marry into an already existing family unit after a child is over a certain age they will likely never see you on the same level as a bio parent. You missed the cutoff age where that bonding happens. No fault of you or the kid. Just how it is.
UnwantedNameChoice said:
NTA. Your mom & her husband are way out of line here. No one is inherently or automatically entitled to this honor. Even if your dad was still living(may he rest in peace) you'd still be perfectly entitled to ask your grandpa or anyone else you wanted.
Stand your ground, but maybe also try gently but firmly stating they're undermining & hurting what relationship y'all have at present & you don't want even more distance so to please back off & let this drop now.
Best wishes for your wedding. It's a lovely thing to have to look forward to; I'm glad you have such a generous, loving, & supportive grandpa to share that walk & receive that honor.
Jazzlike-Cow-3111 said:
Sounds like your mom and stepdad care more about how they are perceived then what you actually want. It's your day. Honor the man who has been there for you. Just be prepared for the inevitable fallout and possibly manipulative behavior from your mom.
hedwigflysagain sai
NTA, this wedding is about your and your fiancé. Your grandfather was your rock. Do what makes you happy. Stepfather can keep his feelings to him self. Maybe he should stay home.