AITA for comparing my sister’s elopement to my other sister’s religious wedding?
AITA for comparing my sister’s elopement to my other sister’s religious wedding?
I, (27 f) have two sisters, let’s call them Anna and Claire. A few months ago Claire eloped with her wife. I was the only family member there, and was technically the only one invited. Claire's wife’s parents weren’t even technically invited but they decided to come and made the effort to fly out.
My family mostly had legit reasons for not going like work, money, and other obligations. Claire didn’t expect anyone to show up so she wasn’t upset about it. A few years earlier Anna, my other sister, got married through a religious ceremony that excluded anyone who wasn’t an active member of the religion. Since Claire and I had both left the religion we couldn’t go.
Anna could have chosen to do a public ceremony first and then the religious one after, which is pretty common within the religion, but she didn’t. I remember feeling hurt because I really wanted to be there. However, I would never take it out on her. It was her wedding and her choice.
The problem came up when my dad started ranting about Claire’s elopement. He thinks she did it as a personal slight against him. He’s still bitter because when Claire was first planning a traditional wedding she wanted her sisters to walk her down the aisle instead of him. Honestly the drama around that was part of the reason she decided to elope in the first place.
I told him that to me, Claire’s choice felt similar to Anna’s wedding. I wasn’t saying they meant the same thing. What I meant was that in both cases family wasn’t able to be part of the actual ceremony, just for different reasons. And I know how much it hurt me to be left out of Anna’s wedding even though I never blamed her.
My dad blew up and said it’s not the same at all. In his eyes Anna’s wedding was sacred and Claire’s was selfish. But to me the end result was the same, family being left out of a huge moment for reasons the individuals left out could not control.
So AITA for making that comparison?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
icecreampnis wrote:
I think that your Mormon dad is just mad that his daughter is gay and that his worldviews means he's had to face consequences
But perhaps I'm wrong.
OP responded:
Lol, I was trying to be subtle about the religion, but I guess there aren't many that would encourage excluding family members from weddings. One of many reasons her and I left.
Careless_Welder4048 wrote:
NTA it’s always the Mormons!! Also the comment he said makes him the AH. Does that mean he doesn’t believe your sister’s marriage is sacred??
Iircireadthat responded:
From what I know and what OP has written, the answer to that is probably 'yes,' but it would be interesting if OP asked him the question directly and made him actually say it.
I don't know what the rhetorical technique is called, but that thing where someone makes a messed up 'joke' and you pretend to be confused and say "I don't get it, can you explain that joke?" and suddenly they have to actually say the messed up thing without any plausible deniability.
TheDarkHelmet1985 wrote:
NTA and you will never convince a religious person like that they are wrong even when they do the exact same thing for different reasons. Their reasons will always be ok and yours will always be wrong or evil. I see the double standard all the time as a former catholic.
CaptainFarthole wrote:
NTA. The core differences between your sister's weddings is that one happened to reduce drama and the entire family was invited, and the other increased drama and certain family members weren't invited. One of those is way more selfish than the other and it's not Claire's wedding. Your dad just sounds like an entitled baby who is upset he didn't get his way.
thiscurlygirl wrote:
NTA. Your sister Anna left family out because she put religion above family and refused to find a way to compromise, which is a common compromise in the religion to include those they love still. Claire left family out because they wanted to make her and her wife’s day all about themselves and not about the two being married.
While they aren’t the same, you aren’t wrong to point out that both chose to leave family out. Just for completely opposite reasons. ETA that both were sacred, but I’d argue that Anna was the selfish one.
Tereshkovavalentina wrote:
NTA, but your dad seems like he is, especially if your sister felt like she couldn't have the wedding she wanted to because of him.
inbar253 wrote:
You're NTA but I don't think you're going to convince your dad of your point. I'd just try not to be there when he rants.