'AITA for enforcing basic boundaries on my daughter's sleepover?'
"AITA for enforcing basic boundaries on my daughter's sleepover?"
I 42M, have two kids living with me, my daughter Anya (17F) and my stepson Noah (14M). Noah’s mom passed a few years ago, and I’ve had full custody since. He’s had a rough go of it, but he’s a good kid, with his quirks. He’s not antisocial or shy, but he does not appreciate having his space invaded and when very upset, he can kinda "shut down."
Anya is much more outgoing and has a lot of friends- she asked to have a sleepover this weekend with four of them. I said yes, of course, but given that the friends who were coming were pretty loud and have a tendency to crowd Noah, I told her to make sure they don't go into her brother's room. Also to keep things down after 11, so that the house can sleep.
In my opinion, these are not strict rules. To my surprise, I came upstairs to check on them at about 10- they are 17, I didn't think I needed to check on them every hour or something- and they were in Noah’s room.
And they looked like they'd been there a while, two were literally sitting on his bed, with him there, one of them was flipping through his sketchbook, another was messing with his other stuff, and they were all kind of giggling in this weird way.
Noah was clearly upset, he didn't say anything/move, but there were tears in his eyes and he didn't respond when I tried to talk to him. I told the girls to get out right then, and that I was calling every single one of their parents. Anya was pretty upset with me, but I told her that I gave them TWO rules and they failed spectacularly.
I did actually call all of their parents, and sent them home as soon as possible. Anya blew up, saying I embarrassed her. I told her to go to her room, and that we would speak on this in the morning.
I spent about 20 minutes with Noah, before he decided he wanted to cool down on his own, and I went back to my daughter- who chose not to speak to me. It's late, both of my kids are (hopefully) asleep, and I'm left not knowing if I handled things right. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Melodic-Dark6545 said:
You handled things perfectly OK! You set very reasonable rules and your daughter decided to not care and upset Noah. I'll ground her. She doesn't care to have embarrassed Noah, but she sure cares that she couldn't get her way. What was she expecting after she broke the rules????
naviismyhomegirl said:
Holy hell, NTA. And it’s honestly strange that four 17yo girls decided to spend their evening harassing a 14yo boy.
LighthouseonSaturn said:
NTA. You daughter needs to be punished. I have several older brothers. I NEVER went into their rooms and they never went into mine. It seems like common decency and common sense not to encroach on other peoples privacy. They 100% went into his room to tease him.
And that's disgusting. Your daughter would probably be absolutely furious if the roles were reversed and him and his friends went through her room. There needs to be consequences for her actions, she is too old to be acting like this.
Skeeballnights said:
NTA, this is some of the best parenting I have seen in a long time and I do this sort of thing for a living. You handled this perfectly, and your daughter needs to reflect on what she did to him in his safe space.
If she can’t understand then let her know for the next week her room is open to the public for you guys to flip through her personal things with her friends. She’s far too old to lack empathy, so don’t let up or give in at all to her.
AnonymousMoiBR said:
NTA. You were not harsh. You gave her very easy rules and she broke yours and Noah’s trust. Her feeling embarrassed is a consequence of her actions.
Sweet_Vanilla46 said:
NTA, but Anya needs further consequences. She outright defied you to the detriment of her brother. There was no reason for them to do that other than to make him uncomfortable. Grounding, removing access to her phone, something. I work with teens.
You can spot the ones not being disciplined from a mile away. The fact that SHE’S punishing YOU with the silent treatment tells you that a) she still doesn’t believe she’s wrong b) she doesn’t respect you or your rules and c) she could not care less about putting her stepbrother in a bad situation. Time to show her that actions have consequences.
OP had these conversations in the comments:
Question: why are you even asking this?
There's no circumstance where anyone would say these are unreasonable rules. You could easily ask her what the rules were and that's that.
Mountain-Dot824 OP responded:
I guess it was just midnight parent worry, combined with the fact that anya's mother likes to question every single one of my actions. this was a surprisingly fast and unanimous confirmation. so thanks!
Make sure he’s got a lock on his door
Is he ok ? Put him in ju jitsu or something to give him confidence. Most 14 year old boys would snark back to a bunch of girls. You might want to have a convo with him …..
The girls deserved to go home but also you need to do something about both kids - your daughter not listening and being a bully and your son not sticking up for himself and just taking it / not being vocal
Mountain-Dot824 OP responded:
A couple of people have suggested a lock, and I think its a good idea, as long as theres a way to open it from the outside, with a key i have. Noah's more extreme shutdowns sometimes need someone with him, and I would hate to be locked out while he's having one.
I'll talk to him, I don't think he's been having confidence issues. By and large he's pretty confident, and already does like 3 sports. Its just when he gets overwhelmed, usually by crowding or people touching his stuff ,that he has these shut downs/fits type thing
I hate armchair doctors, and feel free to shut me down but OP do you know anything about neurodivergencies?
Mountain-Dot824 OP responded:
Actually, to be fair, I don't. I grew up in a ridiculously anti-mental illness house, as I've slowly been discovering. A couple of people have raised the possibility, but with Noah refusing to even entertain the idea, I haven't pushed yet.
Audhd adult. Can confirm this sounds like a type of internal meltdown. I feel for your son. You did very well sticking up for him and sticking to your rules. NTA
Mountain-Dot824 OP responded:
I think in the familial context, which I will unfortunately not be sharing, it makes more sense. I have received a surprising amount of suggestions after this post, and therefore will likely revisit it.
Mountain-Dot824 Later OP added:
After a bit of conversation with Noah, we're going to be start the process to get him screened next week, or at the very least work on some coping mechanisms. The more people here giving me advice the more likely it seems that he does have some kind of neurodivergence.