'AITA for expecting my partner to do the dishes every night?'
"AITA for expecting my partner to do the dishes every night?"
For chores, my girlfriend and I split them evenly. Some chores we alternate who does them, some only she does and some only I do. Cooking is mainly done by me but sometimes it's both of us if it's a meal with a lot of different pans. For the dishes we alternate days.
I work from home and my girlfriend works from the office. She recently mentioned that her colleague asked why I don't have food ready every night for her getting in. I pointed out she gets in at least an hour before we actually eat so it wouldn't make sense anyway.
She's now started going to see her mum after work and messaging me asking if I'll do food for her getting back. At the weekend I told her if she was going to expect me to cook pretty much every night then she can be the one doing chores each night. I said it's not fair to alternate the chore when she's now expecting me to do pretty much all of the cooking.
She said that wasn't fair as I don't mind cooking whereas neither of us like doing the dishes. I just said it's completely fair since I'm the one cooking for us. I pointed out she's expecting to do less chores but not make up for it anywhere and she can either do her share of the cooking or she can do the dishes each night.
She said she shouldn't be punished for going to see her mum but I just said that's exactly what she's doing to me. She's deliberately staying out later to get out of doing any cooking so she can do the dishes instead. AITA for expecting my partner to do the dishes every night?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Sheslikeamom said:
ESH. Expectations set up failure. Stop having expectations and start having conversations where you two come together to fix the problem. The conversations you two have had are about blame and fairness. You're not working together to solve the common problem of the dishes. You're both arguing for yourselves and not the relationship and home environment.
JeepersCreepers74 said:
NTA, because this isn't really about cooking versus chores. The reality is, you and your GF had a good household management system and dining schedule that was working for you and now she's let her nosy coworker convince her that it needs to change.
So she's going out of her way to visit her mom and start arguments to ensure that happens. She's TA for allowing her colleague to dictate how your relationship should work.
Minute_Feeling_307 said:
NTA. She's playing games by going to her mom's. It's obvious she's trying to manipulate you into cooking. I would have a problem with that.
SnooChipmunks770 said:
NTA. Cohabiting is about working together. That's why it's so important to do this before legally committing to long-term relationships.
BalloonShip said:
Depends why she's going to see her mom. Like, is mom dying and GF will go back to helping with cooking when mom is done dying? Given that you provide no context, I'm going to assume the context is bad for you and conclude YTA.
gloryhokinetic said:
NTA. Just have dinner cooked (for 1) and eat early and have the dishes washed by the time she gets home.
DCpurpleTart33 said:
NTA. We absolutely have a rule that if one person cooks, the other cleans- within reason (like obviously I will help on Thanksgiving even though I do the majority of the cooking!). We usually just help each other. Maybe you can phrase it a different way. Instead of saying "I cook you clean. Period."
You can say it like "on nights that you go see your mom and I cook- you'll be responsible for dishes. on nights that you cook, I'll be at the sink!" She needs to understand there is a tradeoff. Me personally, if I was going to see my mom every night and coming home late, I'd occasionally offer to pick something up for us on the way.
Everyone eats and no dishes. Maybe there is a compromise. She visits her mom 3 days a week: one day you cook, she cleans. One day she cooks, you clean. One day she picks up food on her way home.