"AITA for 'favoriting' my biological daughter?"
I’m a 40 year old woman with four kids. I have three biological children, a 17 year old son, a 16 year old daughter (we’ll call her F), and a 9 year old daughter. I also have a 14 year old stepdaughter (we’ll call her K). K moved in with us three years ago after I married her father.
I’ve always tried to be welcoming toward her because I know it must be hard going back and forth between her mom’s and her dad’s house at such a young age. However, K has always been passive aggressive toward me. At first, I thought it was just a phase, but it’s been three years and she still hasn't shown any kindness or respect.
For example, K always uses her phone at the dinner table even though the rule is no devices during dinner. Whenever me or her father tell her to put it away, she says something like, “My mom lets me use it at her place, so why should I have to stop here?” K is also very rude to her step-siblings.
She gets mad whenever they go into her room; one time, she even threw her Stanley cup at my 9-year-old daughter for walking in. My husband yelled at her for that, but K just told her biological mom, who then called me and my husband and started screaming slurs at us over the phone.
Long story short, K is very entitled and spoiled. She always gets her mom involved because she knows her mom will start an argument with us. Whenever K comes back from her mom’s house, she usually has her lashes and nails done and has new, expensive clothes.
My daughter, F, sometimes gets envious, but she doesn't take it to heart. Yesterday, when K came home with her hair dyed and her nails done, F gave her a compliment and asked where she got her hair done. K responded by saying, “Why are you asking? You clearly wouldn’t be able to afford it and it wouldn’t look good on you anyway.”
I quickly told K to be nice and respectful and said she shouldn't say things like that. K snapped back and told me she will say whatever she wants. I tried to keep my cool and explained that she doesn’t have to love me, but she needs to give me the bare minimum respect I deserve. K started cursing at me and said she would never respect someone who looks like me, even if her life depended on it.
That’s when I got her father involved and told him everything. He barely even yelled at her; he just told her to be nice and not do it again. About an hour later, K’s mom called my husband and called me a "dumb b" who was clearly showing favoritism toward my own daughter. K’s mom says if I don’t apologize she will make sure that my husband never sees K again. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
peakpenguins said:
You realize your husband is a big part of the problem here, right? Yeah K's mom sounds awful too but K's behavior in your house is a direct result of your husband's refusal to enforce rules and discipline.
EconomistThat4814 said:
OP, you are in deeeeeep denial here. Your husband is letting your stepdaughter rule the roost - and at the expense of your children's state of mind and safety! Worse yet, you're doubling down on it! Expect your kids to start acting out and, later, go NC because you and your husband are too afraid to deal with a teenage brat.
ChallengeHoudini said:
This blended family unit isn’t working and I bet it’s damaging your children. NTA, but I wouldn’t stay in a situation where my children can hear or have anyone talking to me or my kids like that.
AspectNo1992 said:
K does sound like a spoiled brat encouraged by her mom and enabled by her dad. You have a husband issue. K is his responsibility to deal with, and he doesn't. You need to prioritize your own children and their safety. I don't think you're the AH, but by not protecting your children, you kinda lean towards being one.
Foresakeandbake said:
Your step daughter sounds awful. Your husband is very much to blame regardless of your excuses. And you’re tolerating this horrible behavior towards your children. What are you doing to protect your own children?
JellyfishSolid2216 said:
YTA for putting your kids through this. You let someone get away with throwing a Stanley cup (which is heavy) at your 9 year old. You let someone insult your 16 year old for no reason.
You’re making them put up with this b and have taught them that she can do whatever she wants with no consequences because you don’t give enough of a f about your own kids to protect them. What in the F is wrong with you that you think telling someone to not be rude to your daughter is favoring her?