"AITA for giving my husband a ultimatum?"
My husband and I (M28, F30) met at university and have been married for 4 years. Over the past 2 years, my husband has been sending monthly, sometimes even weekly, sums of money to his younger sister to allow her to pursue her "dreams."
For context, my husband's sister dropped out of uni 2 years ago because she felt it "wasn't for her" and has been bouncing from fantasy to fantasy in trying to find what she is passionate about and good at.
These sums of money have been increasing, and I feel uncomfortable with us giving so much money to someone, even if it is his family member. I raised (And have been raising) the issue with him but he can't find it in himself to deny his sister. He'll start to come around to my point of view, but the moment he speaks to her, he surrenders all over again.
More immediately, last weekend, I gave my husband an ultimatum that he either stopped giving money to his sister, or I'd have to seriously consider our marriage. He did not react well, and said that he wasn't going to be selfish when we had so much money to spare.
I told him this wasn't about the money, but about setting boundaries with his family. Unfortunately, he refused to listen and said that he wanted to help his sister achieve her dreams. This is the first big fight we've had in years, but I don't think I'm in the wrong. So, AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Hawaiianstylin808 said:
This is a fundamental difference in finances. If you feel so strongly about it, then you know what you need to do and follow through. NTA.
Chester-ran-out said:
Separate your finances. He can help her out of his half of his salary if he insists. That will be his monthly spending allowance!
bigedthebad said:
Yeah, YTA. One comment you made makes it seem like you have plenty of money, why do you get to "set the boundaries?" Would you have the same reaction if he was spending it on sports cars or fishing equipment?
You seem to have a bone to pick with his sister because she isn't living up to your standards. You need to take a hard look at why this is a problem if it isn't the money.
Ok_Day_8559 said:
NTA. You have to set some boundaries of your own. Stop your paycheck from going into the joint account. Change your bank. Only put in enough to cover the bills and nothing else. If you don’t want to finance his sister then you have to make changes of your own.
No_Eye_3423 said:
NTA. That’s money that could be going to retirement/anything else that actually helps you and your spouse’s life, not hers. And in marriage it’s a “two yes” decision for things like this. He doesn’t care about what you think or how his endless giving affects you and your future. I’d be reevaluating, too.
Over-Ad-6555 said:
NTA, but, you may as well start looking for a lawyer, an apartment, separating finances, etc. He's not going to change or stop. Sorry OP.
UPDATE:
So, following some of your advice I had a long conversation with my husband and raised the possibility of having shared accounts in addition to a joint household account. He was open to the idea but again resisted reducing/stopping the transfers of money.
Again, following the advice, I clearly outlined why I was uncomfortable in a calm way. He became increasingly nervous and eventually fell silent. At the end, he said that I needed to talk to his sister if I wanted to fully understand everything.
She came over to our house and explained everything. Apparently, their parents were not the best even when they were alive. She now blames my husband for "ruining her childhood" because they were constantly being compared and she was dismissed in favor of him as her interests were less orthodox. She views this money as compensation for the emotional abuse she suffered from their parents.
I asked her if my husband had directly said or done anything to her at that time, and she said that wasn't relevant because what he was doing provided their parents with the opportunity to put her down.
I want to say that I very much sympathize with her, but it still did not convince me that we needed to send our money. When I later raised it with my husband, he expected me to understand his actions and was very shocked when I still advised us against sending the money. He has apparently been harboring this guilt for many years and did not tell me earlier as he was scared (Wrongly so) I'd think less of him.
To be honest, while I'm sure it was very painful for her, I don't see why my husband and me have to pay the price for his parents wrongs. At any rate, we have at least temporarily stopped sending the money apart from still paying for utilities and necessities. I suspect we'll come to a compromise that involves a lump sum + signing over their parents house. Thank you for your advice.
Here's what people had to say to OP about the update:
Briscogun said:
So your SIL is emotionally manipulating your husband even though he did absolutely nothing and he's falling for it? Good luck with that. Do not have children with this man he is in no way equipped to handle it.
venturebirdday said:
Your husband clearly did not get the better treatment at no cost. He was taught that love comes with strings attached. Good boys get love. He is now holding on to that to earn the love that was not ever given freely.
NTA he is hurt by the dynamic that was thrust upon him. He has to find a way to admit, especially to himself, that he is lovable even if he is not paying for that regard. So sad.
OkBreadfruit2181 said:
Why is this a compromise though? You clearly said in your OG post that it’s either stop sending money or you’re reconsidering the marriage. Please put your foot down on this nonsense.
sfrancisch5842 said:
Signing over a house and a lump sum of a money to a manipulative entitled bish? Yeah, YTA to your own family. You’re naive and ignorant and you deserve whatever happens next. You’re setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Enjoy that. Don't bother coming back here to complain. We don’t want to hear it.
Interesting_You_2315 said:
NTA. But I strongly suggest your husband start counseling. His sister is punishing your brother for their parents actions. Because he was the golden child. He didn't choose that role.