'AITA for going no contact and not welcoming my in-laws to my home?' 'They accused me of tearing the family apart.'
"AITA for going no contact and not welcoming my BIL and SIL to my home after they accused me for tearing the family apart?"
I (31f) and my husband (32m) are planning on hosting his parents visit to our city soon. The original plan was only hosting his parents and now my BiL (m36) and SiL (28f) want to crash and come with his parents to visit us. I told him they are not welcome and if they show up to our doorstep, I am going to my parents without any notice and we will have major issues if he allows them to come.
For context, a few months ago my husband and I had just found out we were pregnant for the first time. Not even a day after we found out, we were going visit his parents. It was still a secret at this time as I was feeling so sensitive. The BIL and SIL live with my husband's parents.
The whole weekend, my BIL was being rude towards me. If I was napping, (because I was so sleepy from the pregnancy, which was all so new for me) he would intentionally slam doors and yell at me for being lazy.
I told my husband and his parents I wouldn’t tolerate an angry man in the house because I was never exposed to an angry man in the house, despite growing up living with a dad and two brothers. This also isn’t the first time my BIL has irrationally yelled at me or my husband, my husband is the younger brother and I guess is just used to having his brother lash out and not reacting much.
All I communicated to my MIL, FIL and husband is that I won’t come back if the environment continues to be this toxic. The next day my husband and FIL were grilling and I was prepping sides with my MIL, the BIL and SIL are nowhere in sight, when we all eventually sit down for dinner my BIL moved all my cooked food away from him in a rude manner, basically slamming the dishes away. We all ignored that.
Eventually, over that same dinner, I asked my SiL to please pass something and BiL lost it. He called me names, said I am tearing the family apart. Normally, I would’ve taken it and tossed some words back…but I was so sensitive from the pregnancy and tension from being around him that I just started crying.
He kept yelling and said I was acting and eventually my MIL and husband defended me and tried to console me. We left the next morning without any follow up. My BIL blocked me from his phone, my MIL blocked me (he probably took her phone and did this) and SIL also blocked me.
I spent 3 years building a good relationship with my in laws for the sake of pleasing my husband and my BiL destroyed it all bc I called out his angry tantrums as something I would not tolerate. When hubby and got back home after that hellish trip, two weeks went by where things were tense and weird.
I wanted a resolution but my hubby and MiL made me feel like I was the reason it happened…I was the one who was attacked verbally and the stress stayed with me for those two weeks…I stopped sleeping, I started exercising more to help my body relax and redirect my energy to my first pregnancy. I miscarried from what i believe to be the stress of it all.
Now I can’t help but blame my BIL and told my husband I'm not interested in seeing them for a long time. I need to heal. I’ve been in therapy, I gained and lost 40 pounds from it all. I sporadically fall into hysterical sobs and I’ve been going to therapy to understand myself better. I am in a much better place and thinking about trying to get pregnant again. I lost my whole summer just getting myself together.
Now coming back to the present, my hubby tells me he can’t stop his brother from coming to see us, and that im getting in the way of everyone healing. AITA for putting my foot down and saying my BIL and SIL are not welcome?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
pigandpom said:
You don't have a BIL problem. You have a husband problem. He hasn't supported you, he tried to make you feel you were the reason all this has happened. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life living in such a toxic family? Do you want to bring children into this toxic family?
Knittingfairy09113 said:
NTA. The fact that your husband is blaming you for his brother's deplorable behavior and says that he can't stop someone from coming to your home are bigger issues than your BIL. What about your husband redeems him from this?
Simple-Caterpillar14 said:
Stop thinking about getting pregnant until you find a decent man to be married to. Any man who allows any member of his family to abuse his pregnant wife for no actual reason is not the kind of man you want to keep around forever. Ew. NTA.
Curious_Platform7720 said:
NTA but you have a hubby problem.
Amazing-Wave4704 said:
Leave. Permanently. NTA.
knight_shade_realms said:
NTA but please release this man back to his family. Tell him you're letting him go so as to no longer break up his family. Do it before you're tied to him by another child. My condolences for both your losses