"AITA for going off on my mother?"
I’m a single mother (23) to two kids my son (3) and my daughter (14months). It’s been a question for a while whether or not my son is on the spectrum and we’re awaiting investigations. Due to a severe speech delay (among other things) I’m almost certain he is on it somewhere.
My son despises people he doesn’t know. He will scream if he’s looked at by a person he doesn’t recognize and throw himself on the floor if that’s possible. Because of this I usually do all my shopping online because it’s hard to take two kids around a shop when one is constantly being triggered by everything.
However I needed to grab only a couple things and my mother offered to take us to give me a hand. My relationship with her is strained as it is. He was in a trolley/cart being pushed by my mother and he was calm most of the way around as he could only really see her and he does love his grandma.
When we got to the checkout though he started screaming and crying. Which I’m very used to and I usually just say comforting things and try to stop him hurting himself. My mother however kept saying things like “if you keep on, you won’t get back in my car” and “you’re being embarrassing."
I was a bit shocked and I didn’t know how to respond straight away. Then she apologized to the cashier for my son’s behavior which really got to me. I don’t feel like my son should ever have to apologize for who he is and he can’t really communicate with us that he’s upset/frustrated/uncomfortable past screaming.
But I bit my tongue until we got home and I told her quite firmly that she shouldn’t have apologized for his behavior. I don’t want him feeling shame or embarrassment for reacting the only way he knows how and I told her that we should model the behavior we want to see from him.
Now. I could have been nicer about it. But I was so angry at the time and she left almost straight after and I haven’t had a message from her since, although I have spoken to my stepdad.
Who got really tense when I said I wanted to pay my mom back after she swooped in and paid for my shopping while I was still bagging up. I feel bad for how I worded things. And I don’t want her thinking I don’t appreciate her help. AITA?
Note: I just want to clarify because I don’t think I made myself clear. My issue wasn’t with the fact my mother apologized, cashiers have to handle so many distressing situations and I understand that. My issue was that she apologized for the behavior in a way that felt like she was blaming him.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
SoccerProblem3547 said:
ESH. Your kid was having a meltdown, yes you should apologize to people in the store about it. She went too far saying he is embarrassing but when the kid started to have a melt down you should have grabbed him and left the store. Go outside so he can calm down away form people. Their were two adults in this situation, you need to take the kid out of the store.
MixPlus said:
YTA. My son used to have melt downs and a ALWAYS apologized for his behavior. Not only are you subjecting other people to your son's behavior but you are doing it in an entitled way.
GrumpierTurtle said:
ESH. Your mother for shaming him, and basically telling him she was going to leave him there, you for thinking you shouldn't apologize. There's nothing wrong with apologizing for your disruptive child, it's not his fault and he needn't feel shame, but apologizing to others for the disruption is not shaming him.
Various-Ocelot-2209 said:
ESH. Your mother was absolutely out of line for the way she spoke to your son. That was awful. Yet I think she wasn’t wrong for apologizing to the cashier. You did cause a disturbance. Your son obviously is not to blame for that, but you did owe her an apology.
0biterdicta said:
NTA for taking issue with how your mom addressed your child. The "embarrassing" comment was simply out of line. I disagree with you saying you will never apologize for your child though.
While your son isn't misbehaving and disabled/neurotypical people are allowed to take up space, there may still be cases where you need to acknowledge his behavior's impact on others.
cookeduntilgolden said:
ESH, I fear. Clearly your mother was out of line and out of touch with what your child (or any child needs during a meltdown). I believe in parents fiercely protecting their children, so you said it how you needed to say it.
But like many people said, you suck too because apologizing for disrupting behavior is actually kind and considerate to others around you. “Being who he is” doesn’t mean a free-pass in society and teaching him that won’t scale well into his adulthood.