'AITA for how I reacted when my wife did something we agreed not to do?' 'Her parents are VERY sexist.'

"AITA for how I reacted when my wife did something we agreed not to do?"

My wife and I have 2 kids, M7 and F4. My wife's parents are very sexist. My wife always talks about how terrible they were to her growing up and she is still in therapy because of it. Yet she keeps going back to them.

Once my daughter was born I started to notice how differently they treat my kids. For example for my daughter's first Christmas they spoiled my son but gave my daughter a shirt only. I complained and they said it's fine because my daughter is only a few months old so she won't remember.

They gave my son more than 10 gifts for HIS first Christmas, which he again, could not remember but that didn't seem to matter to them. I told my wife that I don't want her parents anywhere near our kids and she agreed with me. It hasn't been easy these past years. A few days ago when I came home from work they all seemed upset but no one would tell me why.

Finally I got my son to talk. Apparently my wife's parents visited. My wife let them in even though we agreed not to let them around the kids. They brought a gift for my son. My son asked "Where is Isla's (my daughter) gift?" They claimed they forgot to bring her a gift. My son gave their gift back to them and it started a fight.

Now THIS is exactly why I don't want them around my kids. My kids shouldn't have to go through this. I asked my wife why she let them in and she apologized at first but then we got into an argument and she said and I quote "I'll do whatever I want. What are you gonna do about it? Maybe I like my parents, maybe I want to let them around my kids."

I told her if she likes her parents so much then maybe she can go live with them again. If it's OK for my kids to be around them then it's OK for her to live with them. I told her to pack her stuff and go or I will take the kids and go to a hotel."

She left. We haven't talked since she left but our mutual friend called me and said my wife is staying at a hotel and crying non stop. She called me an ahole and told me to just go and bring her back home.

Here's what people had to say to OP about this one:

Fragrant-End-2300 said:

NTA. Protect your kids. Do you what caused her to reconnect with them?

Obvious-Diver-4086 said:

NTA and you're 1000% right. But as someone who comes from an abusive, dysfunctional family I'll tell you....when this crazy is all you know and how you were raised it can take you a lot of work and time to understand how toxic and crazy this behavior is. To you its so obvious bc you weren't raised like this but to her its normal and what she was conditioned to put up with.

girlyfans101 said:

NTA. But in my opinion by the skin of your teeth. You are absolutely right in that your children shouldn’t be raised around those ignorant people. It’s obvious that you don’t raise your children that way given your son’s receptiveness to that behavior.

But these aren’t randos or your wife’s coworkers. This is her family, and while it’s her responsibility to protect her children. You also have to remember she’s obviously a child of abuse and a victim.

It’s incredibly hard to distance yourself not only from your parents but your abusers. And while this may seem like an overstatement if her parents are this open about their sexism, that is a form of abuse imo.

Be kinder to her, this is a transition and instead of just demanding her parents stay away. Maybe consider therapy and open communication. She’s not just the mother of your children she’s also your wife, you also have a responsibility to her. Good luck!

Jdawn82 said:

NTA - Your wife is showing she cares more about pleasing her parents than looking out for her own kids. You are protecting your kids by setting boundaries. Unfortunately, she’s got to be one of those boundaries now.

GellyG42 said:

NTA. Your wife was complicit in your daughter being mistreated by y’her parents, and how awesome is your son for seeing the wrong in what they did! Had she scolded them for what they did and agreed that having then over was a bad idea, fair enough, we all f yo occasionally but she doubled down and said she wants that kind of treatment around your daughter.

Playing the victim now with tears to her friends is just manipulative, she needs to apologize to you and your children (especially your daughter) if you bend and ask her back she will just do this again.

Major_Barnacle_2212 said:

NTA, for standing up for your kids. You also had a right to be angry that your wife went behind your back. However, kicking her out doesn’t solve anything, so that was a little sucky. She needs to understand she’s perpetuating gender issues that hurt your daughter.

Right now she’s choosing her parents over her kids, and may not see it. Whether you two discuss it or she works it out in therapy, you have to work on being partners instead of just making absolutes. Same team!