'AITA for leaving my husband after proudly saying that he chose me over his coworker?'

"AITA for leaving my husband after proudly saying that he chose me over his coworker?"

I (33yo) married to my husband (34yo) for 3 yrs. We have a daughter (3yo) and both of us are working but have shifting schedules. I'm a night duty while he is a morning duty so that we can take care of our daughter. It was hard but we are both getting by.

Lately, he started correcting me on how I should manage the house and take care of him as a husband. I didn't mind at first since I thought it's genuinely for our well-being, but it became more ridiculous as weeks gone-by. He wants me to wake him up if its time for him to wake up and go to work.

He wants both his food and clothes prepared beforehand before he wakes up, also lunch prepared that he can bring. He wants me to clean the house daily (he is a clean freak) and will get angry if I left even a small dirt. This is on top of my supposed to be sleeping hours.

We were not like this before. When we started, we both talked and understood that we will need to make sacrifices to make meet ends. We prepare our own things every weekdays before and have a bonding time on weekends. Now, aside from his demands, I still need to prepare my own things before going to work and taking care of our daughter in the day since its a day so our daughter is awake.

I do alarm clocks so that I can power nap in selected times, then I sleep when our daughter is also sleeping. This went on a while and I started to feel the burn out. I keep asking him what's the change and he just shrug my questions. I was very tired that I can't even fix myself anymore.

When I finally got an approved long leave from the company I'm working, I asked my husband if I can have a vacation with my parents so that I can finally relax because I feel like if this continue I might lose my mind for a lack of sleep and rest which he agreed.

On the day I was finally going to my parents (our daughter is coming with me because he can't take care of her due to his work). He escorted us in a bus, he suddenly confessed then and there that he was seeing a coworker and that her habits and taking care of her husband are his ideals that's why he wants to incorporate those to me.

After telling that, he exhale big time like he just felt great to finally say it to me and gave me a satisfaction continuation; "I still choose you since you're my wife." Like I should be thankful he fully didn't cheat.

I was, dumbfounded and couldn't react nor move. He then just walk away since the bus was about to leave. It felt like he just want to escape and didn't want to see what reactions I might show to him. I was too stunned. I looked at my daughter who doesn't know what's happening to her dad or any of this.

I just cried on the whole duration of my travel and turn off my mobile since angry and frustrations started to kick-in. When I got to my parent's house, I just plastered a smile and tried my best to show everything is okay. My parents are very old so I don't want to stress them, but sadly I broke down to them after 2 days.

They told me its normal to have a bump in a marriage and we need to work it out for the sake of our daughter. Strangely though when I was ready to communicate and open my phone for the 3rd day, no text or calls or any voicemails left. His number is also turned off for some reason and when I attempted to contact his parents to know why, his father told me he went away to travel.

I returned home a week after my vacation to see things. Nothing was touched inside the house aside some missing clothes of his made me think he was gone from the day he confessed. But we do get updates from his friend he was with telling us he will be back once he cooled down.

Now I want to divorce him since I felt stupid after all this months that made me think I just tortured myself for a reason he told me, but both my parents and his parents are asking me to talk this first out and I should not rush things as I might be too emotional right now. Maybe I am? But don't know anymore. I can't explain properly this feelings I have right now.

Do I feel betrayed? Cheated on? Frustrated? Angry? All my life, it never occurred to me to even see any guys nor compare him to my workmates in the office. I solely believe before this was just a bumpy ride we can get through.

But now, I just had enough and I want to move on, because regardless on what's happening in our marriage, our daughter's life doesn't pause. AITA for still deciding to leave him instead despite the opposition of both our parents? Or am I too emotional that I don't see everything yet to decide?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Lower_Guitar_5669 said:

NTA. You told him you needed a rest and he chose to unburden himself at the beginning of it because he was going away to have a good time. You are not his slave. Leave him.

Interesting-Sky-1865 said:

He should come home to divorce papers.

Pugooki said:

Contact his employer if they have a no fraternization policy and let his coworkers husband know as well. I would take a guess that he is on a trip with her. Your family is wrong and asking you to play the fool.

They are showing no loyalty to you or your child. Do you have an iPad or laptop that can access his texts for proof? Move money out of any joint account to a new account. Cancel any joint credit cards so he is screwed on his little "holiday."

Look at your local laws if you can change the locks on the house before he gets back. He is an untrustworthy little boy. Do you really think he won't do this again the moment he isn't the center of the world? You have a toddler and have been together for very little time. NTA.

EleanorHatesLife said:

Nta. You and your daughter deserve so much more. He will only get worse and do it again if you stay. Don't let your daughter grow up seeing you controlled and broken. She will think it's normal and think it's okay to be treated the way your husband is treating you. Trust your gut. Leave. This is not "just a bump in the road." I'm so sorry you're being put through this.

Organic_Start_420 said:

NTA . Your and his parents don't have to live your life with the backstabbing , disrespect and undermining your mental health. Their opinions=0. Divorce him and protect yourself and your daughter. He can go be "mommied" by his coworker if she puts up with that crap op. And get child support.

Alternative-Number34 said:

You and your daughter deserve better. NTA.

UPDATE:

Thank you for all the comments, feedback and advice I received. I can now give an update. In the end I packed our things (remaining items of my daughter that was left) and we remain living in my parents. My soon-to-be ex husband unfortunately didn't go with his coworker girl (that majority had tried to guessed) and really just went out to a guy friend which I also know.

I need to explain that he has a habit that whenever he knew he did something bad, he is the type who always go out/away far from noise, then goes back once he calms down. With all the comments pointing out, I thought this is normal but you all made me realized I am such a fool and didn't see the red flag properly.

We are both aware that this was not a planned marriage and that challenges will be inevitable, but what made things turned to worst is the realization that he is not ready to be a father nor to have a family. Yes, we talked because we have to, he is still my husband by paper and we have a daughter who will be affected with all of this.

His explanation was that, he felt pressured. He is the man of the house, he should be the one providing and after seeing our daughter grow everyday, seeing our circumstance as both working, made him panic that he will never reach the dream he wants to have that is to graduate, to have a better life opportunity and to go explore and travel.

I kid you not, those are the exact words he told me. He also said sorry for saying it too late and that it only started to make sense on him when we are already in this situation.

Since he was feeling down, his coworker girl was like an angel to him. I met her, I also met his coworkers and supervisor during his disappearance. The girl she is referring is a sweet girl who shows the same sweetness to the rest of the team not just to my husband. So she brings foods at the office shared to everyone, very vocal and someone everyone talks with.

It seems the girl's personally was contagious with a bright personality that some sees her as ideal gf or wife, that's how the manager explained to me. I didn't dive further since my husband resigned to his work afterwards. It seems he got scolded for disappearing at the office without reporting or anything after he got back.

My problem is that instead of him saying those direct dilemmas to me about our situation, he instead found peace on the ideal girl he sees and wanted to incorporate those to me. He then explained to me that due to this, he now understood his preferences and wanted to start over...from scratch.

As if that's not the final blow yet, he told me his mental health will deteriorate further if he keeps pretending that everything is okay now that he knows what he truly wants.

I was angry at first, who wouldn't be? Part of me blames myself for not seeing the signs that he doesn't want this life at all. If I had known, we should have not been married from the start. But I also know I'm not the only one who decided to get married, we both did. I guess his mental state was drained already before I experienced mine.

What I can say is that our marriage was really rough. We instead made an agreement that he can still visit his daughter if he wants. I honestly don't want to keep someone who already been unattached. What's the sense of making this family unite when I and my daughter are already out of the picture to him?

Is he selfish of telling all of this too late? Yes, does he thinks I can just reverse our daughter back to my uterus or something to have his ideal start over?? I know time will continue to run and I also know he is aware of it. But I can't force someone who doesn't want to continue this relationship anymore as it will make all of us miserable in the long run.

Now, I don't know where he is but since then I finally have my peace. My daughter has more play time since we are living in a countryside so it's more on spacious and near to nature. I am not pressured anymore with the house choir (I have a bit of help with my mother). My parents are really old so I understand their initial advice and they are very supported on my final decision to divorce.

They explained to me that they just gave an advice since I asked but whatever my decision is they will respect it and they did. I don't want to talk about legal stuff since I'm going to let the lawyer handle complicated explanations to us. For now I'm happy because I can finally breathe (I still work but in a different branch to lessen the travel time).

I don't know if my update is good enough but for now, I want to savor this moment of peace with my daughter and parents. Have a nice day to everyone and hope for a wonderful days to come.

Here's what people had to say about the update:

Careless_Welder_4048 said:

Is he at least paying child support? I’m proud of you!

Dustys_Rotten_Tooth said:

Good job mama! I'm proud of you. I wish you nothing but abundant blessings! Enjoy your peace!

Ok_Routine9099 said:

NTA be prepared for him to change his mind when he realizes his life isn’t better. Think through now the pros and cons of reconciling, when emotions aren’t higher. Hopefully he doesn’t bring that crazy to your door and leaves you to your peace.

Successful_Moment_91 said:

Did he lose his job for not showing up for a week or more? That part was confusing. He sounds like the selfish type to leave his department to scramble for coverage while he has fun elsewhere.

NCKAT_53 said:

He’s delusional. Get that court-ordered child support, because without it, you won’t see a dime.

KLG999 said:

NTA. You really need to talk to a lawyer and make sure things are documented concerning your daughter. It sounds like he walked (ran) away from her too. You don’t want him showing up 5 years from now wanting to play daddy to a little girl who doesn’t know who he is.

lady_mei said:

You did the right thing. I have been down that same road and it does get better. I promise.