"AITA for limiting how long my in-laws stay with us?"
My wife and I live in NYC with our 3 year old in a small NYC apartment. My in-laws live in Dallas and will fly in to visit our daughter. They're very nice, but they want to visit (and will visit) all the the time and will stay with us in our small 900 sq ft. apartment when the stay. Earlier this year they stayed with us for 10 days in our cramped NYC apartment.
We have a cot and they'll sleep in the middle of the living room. As house guests go, they're great. They'll clean up after themselves are respectful, etc. However, I'm a strong introvert and I don't particularly want anyone in our space and I don't get along with my mother-in-law due to very different personalities (she's a strong extrovert and can be quite loud, I'm a strong introvert, etc.).
My wife was born in the US, but her parents are from Asia and staying like this with family members is quite normal for them. For me, who grew up in the Midwest, I'm used to having my own personal space.
They're obsessed with their granddaughter (as they should be!) and want to visit all the time (like every month for 4-5 days). However, I have a stressful NYC job with 60+ hour work weeks and it's very stressful for me, as an introvert, and someone that doesn't particularly mesh with my in-laws to come home every night to my in-laws in a small apartment.
I sleep poorly when they're here and it definitely adds to my general work stress and anxiety. My wife, on the other hand, loves having her parents here to help with our daughter for bath time, etc. They're not rich enough to stay in a hotel and would find it offensive if I got a hotel for them. And they just want to spend time with their granddaughter.
AITA for wanting to limit how often and for how long they stay with us in our apartment? Should I be more accommodating of them and just deal with it when they stay with us? My wife is upset with me because her and my daughter love having them stay with us and I'm the only one that is bothered by their visits.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
One-Negotiation-307 said:
NTA. Perhaps if you wife and daughter flew to them some of the time. Over time her parents travel might decrease with this change. That's the only suggestion I can make. Especially while your daughter has not started school as yet.
NotDTJr said:
NAH. This is their culture you married into. You didn’t grow up that way. I think a hotel would be your best bet to recharge. I will add that I’m an introvert that stayed in a studio with twelve people for a while while we were moving. It was awful so I get it.
Ok_Force9695 said:
NTA, but also, your wife needs support. It's a really tough situation to be in and I'm sorry. It's really a NYC problem because if you were in a house, a lot of these issues wouldn't be so magnified.
Only-Breadfruit-6108 said:
You’re NTA and I’m sorry that your wife won’t listen to how you’re feeling. I’ve visited friends in NYC and I would never presume to stay with them or even ask, there’s no room!! Would you prefer 2 night/3 days per month, or two weeks every three months? Is it better for shorter periods or less frequently?
horsecrazycowgirl said:
YWBTA. Next time your rent comes up for renewal talk with them about pitching in for a unit with a second bedroom for them. But don't limit visits. They aren't about you. They are about your daughter and I couldn't imagine taking that from my girls. My in-laws do something very similar every month. To me it's worth grinning and bearing it for my girls to have that relationship with their grandparents.
NoDescription7183 said:
YTA maybe she wants them around to provide the help you are not providing