"AITA for making my boyfriend get rid of his dog?"
Judging from the title I know I immediately sound like a huge ahole, but please hear me out. I, (19F) have been dating my boyfriend (18M) for about two years now. I’ll call him Nate for the sake of this post.
Important background info: I recently moved out of my parents house to my new apartment in July of this year. I have been saving for this for over a year and have waited for this I was a kid. I lived with my mom and stepdad, who are alcoholics with horrible anger issues. It was miserable at home and I could not have been more excited when I finally saved enough to move out and live alone.
About a year ago when I first mentioned to Nate that i would be saving up for an apartment, he asked if he could move out of his parents house too and we could live together.
I briefly considered it, but I knew that I would need at least a year of living on my own before I felt like it was a smart decision to move in together. we are very young, and I need to experience living alone, and prove to myself that I am capable of full independence.
My mom doesn’t work and I have watched her be fully dependent on my horrible stepdad and decided at a young age that i would never let myself financially depend on a man.
So I needed to learn how to live on my own and do things for myself. Nate and I plan on getting married one day, so from my perspective we have a whole lifetime to spend living together, and it’s really important to me that i take this first year to experience independence.
Nate was really hurt by my decision and didn’t understand why i wouldn’t want to live together. he said it would help me save money and would bring us closer, and assured me that he would be an amazing “roommate."
I explained my reasoning, and he has since then come to somewhat accept it, but he’s definitely sad about it and feels hurt, despite my reassurance that it has nothing to do with him or my feelings for him, that it’s just really important to me.
In the last few months, Nate has been sending me videos on instagram of cute Rottweilers and expressing how adorable they are and how he wants to get one someday. It’s important to note that he lives at home with his family, in a very confined house. His 2 older sisters live there as well and as a family they have 3 dogs and two cats.
One of these dogs was actually one that we rescued last year from the street when it was a puppy. he promised his family that he would fully take care of it so they allowed him to keep it, but within a month he gave it to his sister for her to take care of because it just came to be too much for him to handle.
He works as a firefighter (our high school had a career center where you can go for half the day and get certified for different things like cosmetology or firefighting) and because of this is gone every third day for 24 hour shifts.
One day while he was at work he called me and told me, with so much excitement, that he found a breeder on FB marketplace that had a Rottweiler puppy listed in our area. I asked him if he had already asked his parents, and he said not yet. i told him i really didn’t want to be unsupportive or rain on his parade, but it really made no sense to get a puppy right now.
I explained that he already had a puppy and quickly found out he was not cut out to take care of one right now. He said he would treat it like a son and do anything to get it, and that he’s always wanted a Rotty so it would be different than Zoro (the puppy we rescued last year).
I told him that while i REALLY didn’t think it was a good idea, it was ultimately his decision, but that i wanted to be absolutely clear up front that he could not have the dog over at my apartment. I have two cats of my own and will be taking care of my sisters two cats while she is traveling for the next year, so I have four cats I’m responsible for and cannot handle a dog.
I told him to promise me he understood that and that if he decided to get the puppy, under no circumstances would the responsibility fall on me. he seemed bummed about this response but he promised.
fast forward about two weeks and he calls me and tells me he bought the dog. my chest felt like it fell into my stomach but i knew how happy he was so I told him that’s really exciting and I’m happy for him. I asked him what his parents thought and he tells me he HASN'T TOLD THEM YET. I was immediately panicking and reminded him of his promise, that the dog would not be coming to my place.
I love dogs but it is already a crap ton of work to keep my place clean with four cats, and I work a full time job and just don’t have it in me to be responsible for another animal. especially one that requires going on walks and let out every couple hours to go to the bathroom. He said he knew and that it wouldn’t be a problem.
Well, it was a problem. his parents told him absolutely no, and gave him the choice to live somewhere else or take the dog back. He called me nearly in tears and told me he couldn’t get rid of this dog. He had already named it and fallen in love and was attached, and that he would do anything to move in with me and let him keep the dog there.
I was infuriated. I knew this would happen. I was so clear to him about my boundaries with this, and so clear on why it was a horrible idea. how could he be serious? However, after several weeks he was visibly depressed about the situation and had begged me every single day to let him and Draco live with me. No, he’s not a Harry Potter fan he named it after the weapon.
Yes I’m serious. anyway, I don’t know how but after lots of begging and promises, he convinced me. I was not happy about it but I could see how happy he was to have Draco, and he promised me that he would take the dog to work with him, and that i wouldn’t have to be responsible for him at all. He promised to be the one to take out the dog, to walk it and clean up after it, to do EVERYTHING.
Well I should have known but these were just more false promises. he talked to his boss and realized he would not be allowed to bring the dog to work, and Draco quickly became my responsibility. On his working days, I had to get up extra early and take the dog out.
I would come home on my lunch break not 3 hours later to Draco sitting in his kennel, covered in crap and piss and the whole apartment smelling awful. Every lunch break that I used to spend relaxing and eating was now spent cleaning up poop and crying. I would come home from work at the end of the day to the same mess, and not only that but my cats were noticeably distressed having the dog around.
It also made me really sad seeing the poor guy locked up in his kennel all day, but any time we let him out he would destroy anything he could find. he chewed up my Ugg slippers and a pillow and would also torment my cats any chance he was given. Ater about a month of this, I couldn’t take it anymore.
i told Nate that i was really sorry, that i had tried SO hard to make it work but it was weighing on me too much and i simply could not handle caring for Draco anymore. I told him that he would have to move out with him or find a new home for him. I felt so horrible about it and I knew he would be devastated, but I could not take it anymore.
I had become miserable in my own home that i had waited and saved for years to be happy in. He was really upset and didn’t want to talk much to me for the next several weeks. He didn’t ignore me entirely or yell and get super angry at me, but he was definitely really disappointed and upset.
He felt like I hadn’t given it a fair shot and that after Draco was more trained it would be so much easier. I told him even had Draco been a well trained and “easy” dog, it was still not at all what I agreed to and was entirely too much responsibility having four cats and a dog to take care of on my own.
It’s been a few months now and he will still tell our mutual friends and his coworkers that I “made him get rid of his dog” without telling them any of the actual details. This really upsets me for obvious reasons and I need to know if i am really in the wrong here. So, am I the ahole?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Caspian4136 said:
Girl you need to grow a backbone. And maybe ditch the immature, impulsive boy who puts himself and his wants first. He was told no by his parents and you, yet got the puppy anyway. Then he whined, begged and pleaded until he wore you down and then dumped all the care onto you. Also, does your apartment even allow dogs? Some don't.
He's showing you loud and clear who he is and he's not going to change anytime soon. He manipulates the hell out of you and you cave every single time. You're only 20, but able to fully support yourself. Don't let this boy drag you down.
FinePossession1085 said:
Your boyfriend sounds incredibly immature, irresponsible, insensitive to your boundaries, and not terribly bright. Why are you with him?
Swimming_Director_50 said:
YTA but not for getting rid of the dog. YTA for letting the dog into your apartment in the first place! This is not the partner for you. Four cats is a LOT in an apartment and rottweilers have a prey drive which means all other factors set aside...
They are genetically wired with a tendency to catch and kill cats (not that all do, but some strong training would be required before leaving a rotty loose in apartment with 4 cats.
Majestic-Thanks-5755 said:
NTA girl, but lose the guy and the dog next time.
Ironyismylife28 said:
Congrats! He got his dog AND he got to move in with you. Seems like he got exactly what he wanted by ignoring you and being manipulative. I say let him keep the dog, but dump the boyfriend. NTA.
K_A_irony said:
Your boyfriend failed one pet then did it again. This is a pattern of putting himself before anyone or anything. Imagine if you have kids...nah don't want to get up and feed the kid.. you do it...nah can't be bothered to change a diaper...you do it.
He acts irresponsible, entitled and THEN blames YOU for his mess and badmouths you to his friends and coworkers. This guy is a walking parade of red flags. Please choose YOURSELF. NTA.
Spare_Butterfly_213 said:
NTA. Break up with this guy. He's only out for himself. In what you told us, I did not see any concern from about you. He didn't consider your opinion or your needs. Everything has to be his way, what he wants.
You need someone who will listen to you and take your wants and needs into consideration along with his own. You are already that type of person. I feel bad for the poor puppy. Not your fault. Your boyfriend should not have taken the puppy in if he could not do all the care for him.
After reading the comments, OP updated the post to include:
Soo good news i was going to wait to update this but people seem concerned for me. This whole post actually takes place about a year ago but I never posted it at the time. I broke up with him about a month after this all took place. It was genuinely one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do which I get sounds ridiculous but there were a lot of great aspects of our relationship.
Ultimately though he did not respect me and was incredibly immature, and I knew I did not want to live my life like that. I’ve been on my own for about 11 months now and I have bought myself my own car, (had one before but it was a POS that barely ran) started painting again, and am for the first time in my life, at peace in my own home.
I also reconnected with my old best friend who i lost touch with while dating nate, and i couldn’t be happier. Leaving him was so hard but was well worth it. Thank you all for the love and honesty, glad I made the right decision