"AITA for missing a lunch hosted by my boss?"
I am new at this. But here's the situation. Without saying too many details, my boss - let's call him Bill - who owns a small company, occasionally hands out bonuses anywhere from $200-$500 when we have a large amount of sales. We are are grateful for this, as he has absolutely no obligation to give the employees any of the money.
I have worked there for over four years. I have discovered that my boss, the owner, generally gets offended if employees miss these types of events. We closed early the day before Thanksgiving (as we always do).
Typically, he invites some of our best customers to have a few drinks and hang out after we close. I usually go home during this time, as I do not drink and I am very introverted (they are all aware of this about me).
Bill revealed to us that instead of hanging out at the business, we would be going out to a bar/grille for lunch. Us being the employees, and a handful of customers. Around the same time, my wife and I had been planning to see our good friend who would be flying in from out of state. We live in AZ, and he lives in TN.
For context, he was the Best Man at our wedding a little over a year ago. I would call him my best friend. He moved out to TN, and we rarely get to see him now. He would only be here for a couple days. Of that, he only a handful of hours to hang out with myself and my wife.
A few days before the lunch was planned, I somewhat nervously asked Bill if I could forgo the planned lunch in favor of meeting my best friend. His response was, "it's your choice." I naively took this as approval. Looking back, I believe it was a passive-aggressive remark.
More context. Somewhat recently, at this workplace, I similarly mistook a comment. I had been feeling under the weather and had missed some work. After going back for a few days, I still had not fully recovered. I was still coughing. A coworker, Steve, believed I was pretending to be sick to avoid doing work.
Steve and Bill are best friends. Bill hired Steve about a year ago. Steve and I have a complicated up-and-down relationship, for too many reasons to list here. All this to say, Steve told me I should just go home. Bill agreed. I, again, naively, thought they were genuinely inviting me to take care of myself.
I realized (too late) that they were implying that if I was "faking being sick," I might as well go home. (I am kind of an idiot, and have a hard time reading situations and people sometimes.) Back to the Thanksgiving lunch. All of us at work were aware that the sales target had gone through, and a bonus was likely.
A few days after the lunch, and we got back from the Thanksgiving break, and I asked a coworker that I am closer with if he had gotten a bonus. At this point, I started to worry that I had offended Bill. Come to find out, I had.
I discovered that he had said "He isn't here, so he misses out." This crushed me, not only because the money would be really nice, but I feel that I have been really trying hard at work. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Blankenhoff said:
I'm not giving judgement here. But either join the culture of your workplace or find somewhere else to work because right now, you are just going to be making stress for yourself. There are plenty of companies that you just work and then you go home. No expectations of hanging out. Perhaps one of them would suit you better.
BebeJax23 said:
NTA - yes your boss can pick and choose who he gives bonuses out to, but he also needs to realize you now have zero reason to be loyal to him. He kind of fugged over a long time employee and I vote you find another job and when he asks why explain you don’t want to be at a company where the boss says one thing but then punishes you for believing what he said.
ConflictGullible392 said:
NAH. You didn’t have to go, he didn’t have to give you a bonus.
DaBankies said:
NTA. Your choice to go. Your boss also had the choice on who he gives bonuses out to. Unfortunately, sometimes you have to learn go with the office culture and attend some events you may not otherwise go to.
Excellent_Safe_5396 said:
Soft YTA because your boss doesn’t owe anyone bonuses, and he can give them to people of his choosing. I do get how the bosses remarks about not coming would be taken literally though.
Remarkable_Inchworm said:
ESH. Sounds like you assumed the Thanksgiving lunch would be just for customers, you had a few days' notice about the change of plans, and you didn't adjust. Bad call by you. You should have delayed meeting your friend for a bit when your work obligations changed.
(And "we're closing early so I can take everyone to lunch" is absolutely, 100% an obligation.) That said - the boss handing out bonuses that arbitrarily is a real asshole move too.