"AITA for not attending my mom’s wedding?"
My (32F) mom (47F) is getting married in a little over 6 weeks, in a destination wedding in Europe (we live in the US). We don’t have a great relationship and I was raised by my grandma due to how young she was when I was born.
This is also her fourth marriage. I’m not hating on being married multiple times, but I’ve done this before and my husband and I flew across the country for her last wedding which lasted all of 2 years.
I told her when she planned the wedding that I wouldn’t be attending due to the timing and the cost. Her wedding date is the day after my twins’ birthday, plus I just can’t spend so much money on a plane ticket and accommodation this close to Christmas and their birthdays.
She has brought it up multiple times and each time I’ve told her I won’t be attending, at one point I even offered to plan and host a party here at home for them to celebrate with the people who aren’t going but she’s really just hung up on the actual wedding.
She invited me and my siblings for dinner last night, and cornered me again about not going, I’m guessing because she wanted backup. Two of my siblings took her side and said I could make it work if I really wanted to, one backed me up, and one refused to get involved.
Maybe worth noting that I’m the only one with a family of my own. I repeated that I’d celebrate with them at home but I’m not budging on attending the ceremony. Then I told my mom I thought it was underhanded to try and gang my siblings up on me and she needs to respect me and my boundaries more than she is right now.
She told me she thought after all these years I could stop punishing her but she sees now that I’ll never grow up and forgive her. I told her I’m not punishing her, I just can’t take on such a huge expense to come to another one of her weddings when I have a family to take care of.
She called me names for making a dig at her because I don’t think she took care of her own family, and told me to leave. I went after her to try and smooth things over but her fiancé told me I should just leave and she’d come around. I’ve texted and called her today with no response. My siblings are all now refusing to get involved because they “see both sides." So am I an ahole?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
owls_and_cardinals said:
NTA. You have perfectly good reasons and a perfectly good perspective here. NO ONE should feel compelled to shell out thousands of dollars to travel internationally for a wedding.
Your mom is clearly an AH here, and is showing signs of being very controlling and manipulative. From arranging a dinner to corner you to playing the victim card with the "punishing her" comments to the name calling.
I think you've been very gracious with what you've offered, but you should NOT try to go after her any longer. At this point, SHE should be proving to YOU why she deserves a spot in your life.
Stop trying to smooth things over, you haven't done anything wrong. This is entirely on her. If and when she 'comes around', consider whether your life is actually better with her in it because that feels like a total power play on her part and you deserve better.
DrTeethPhD said:
Tell your siblings you will go if they pay. NTA.
Mundane-Run6179 said:
NTA, but your mom and the siblings who sided with you sure are. Out of country travel is EXTREMELY expensive. If she really wants you there she or one of the siblings who agreed with her should offer to foot the bill since she KNOWS you have two toddlers.
Few-Conference-1579 said:
NTA. Couples who insist on a destination wedding have to consider that the turnout will be lower. You've told her multiple times that you were not going to attend and the reasons. You also graciously offered to host a celebration party. The fact that she called you names just shows her emotional immaturity.
Her feelings of guilt are hers to own. She could be jealous of you and your stable home and relationships with your children. You have a family and explained your limitations. You are most definitely the adult in this situation. Are all your siblings going? Not that it matters, but if not, why not?
And how's she dealing with that? Her fiancé seems to have his head on straight and understands your position. Hold your position and don't reach out any more. She's seeking validation to her behavior. Keep your boundaries and if anyone asks, continue to explain the cost, timing and how you're being responsible to your own family.
Medusa_7898 said:
NTA. It’s hard to take a wedding seriously when the person marrying does not take marriage seriously. Do what is best for your nuclear family.
sbinjax said:
I'm a twin mama too, only mine are grown. I know how crazy your life is right now. Your mother is waaaay out of line expecting you to show up overseas when it's your twins' first birthday. NTA, obviously.
Plenty_Resolution286 said:
NTA just go NC with her. She's toxic.