"AITA for not feeling sympathy for a friend who is 'poor?'"
So I (30F) have a friend (30M) Teddy who hasn’t been employed for 2 years and is being supported by family at the moment while they go into a training program. They have a Bachelor’s degree that’s not very useful without a higher level.
We like to play video games and talk online together every once in a while. However things have been getting kind of awkward recently with a lot of new games coming out and me purchasing stuff after getting another job.
Basically I can tell they get jealous when I get new stuff. There’s dirty looks, comments and irritation. I usually brush it off. However last week we got into an argument after he noticed some new figures in the shelf in the background. Teddy kind of snapped and asked if it was smart of me to spend money on those things.
I said it was my money and that they were on sale and I budgeted for them. Teddy then sarcastically said it was nice that I can just buy whatever I want when he has to struggle or depend on his SO to buy him stuff.
I blew up and said that it wasn’t my fault that he decided to be unemployed for 2 years and that he had tons of free time and car and free housing. And that he could get a job right now and do training at the same time like so many people I know.
Teddy flustered and said he wasn’t like me that settles for any job (he's afraid of blue collar work) and that right now he needs to concentrate on training. I told him I was done talking for the night and left. I then got messages from him and his younger family members saying that it wasn’t my wrong for me to poor-shame him.
I asked a friend of mine and she said that I should’ve just said he was rude and left the call and not brought up his employment. Since people might ask. He’s medicated for depression and has been for several years.
And it’s definitely way better managed than when we first met 5 yrs ago. Plus a loving SO and family around to help. I think we both suspect ADHD as well but he refuses to get an analysis due to “not wanting another thing wrong with him." I’m undecided about how I feel. So I want to ask AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
RoyallyOakie said:
NTA...He's lashing out at you, but he's really disappointed with himself. He needs to make the needed changes.
PapaLee516 said:
NTA- It's none of his business what you spend your money on and it certainly isn't his place to judge what you do with it even if you tell him. He was rude first and needs to grow up and get over the library of excuses he has for being a bum.
basement-fan said:
Nta, teddy needs a reality check.
PlentifulBox said:
NTA. It’s easier to play the victim than accept responsibility and he probably won’t change because he’s surrounded by enablers. Forget about it, keep your distance, and move on with your life.
gloryhokinetic said:
NTA. But no need to fret over this. Cut him from your life and move on. Its not like your friendship is anywhere other than online. And there are millions of gamers you can play with.
BlueBumbleb33 said:
NTA. You didn’t “poor-shame” him. Look, I sympathize with him. I struggle with depression and ADHD, and finding compatible jobs (or a job in general right now) is hard. But your friend was out of line.
He’s jealous and probably disappointed in himself — fine. We all feel that way sometimes. But he needs to learn to handle negative emotions without being rude.