"AITA for not getting my mother-in-law birthday gifts?"
So to start, I really don't mind my MILGrace (55f), she's not an evil mother-in-law or anything. And I might be a materialistic person in general, but in terms of gifts, I am always grateful for any gifts I receive, even as a kid my parents and other adults would compliment me for being so gracious.
(I know that sounds insane to say about yourself I'm just trying to give you the idea that I'm not some gift-grubby weirdo). But my (33f) husband Harry (33) and I have been together for over a decade and married for 8 years, no kids. I'm an only child and my parents are divorced, Harry has three younger siblings (28m, 23m, and 20f).
I also love giving gifts, I love finding something for someone that just makes me think of them and giving it to them, it brings me a lot of joy. When we first got together, I made sure that we had excellent gifts for birthdays and holidays for not just my but also Harry's family. However, after a few years I realized that his parents had never given me even a card for my birthday...
Which is a few days after Harry's who they always get a card and some money for. Not that I minded NOT getting a gift, but it hurt that I'd been getting them things (from "us") for years and never got anything in return. And on Christmas, same thing with his siblings (his parents do always get me something for Christmas).
So two years ago I just told Harry that if he wanted to get his parents and siblings anything for their birthdays, or his siblings anything for Christmas, I would wrap it for him and he could use one of the birthday cards (I buy in bulk when there are sales so I always have some on hand), but I wasn't going to do the whole shopping and thinking about their gifts anymore.
I still get his parents very thoughtful Christmas gifts from us, and have told his siblings that if we wanted to do a Secret Santa thing among us I would be down and facilitate, but last year his sister and his brother's fiancé just didn't get their person a gift (it wasn't me) and never followed up, so I'm not doing that again this year.
The issue is that last month was his mom's birthday. I sent her a nice text as did my husband - which is what I get from them on my birthdays. Last week, however, Grace called me and mentioned the gift Harry's brother Sam (28) and his fiancé had gotten her. I mentioned that it was nice and she said she was excited to see what we (Harry and I) had gotten her.
I said I'd have to ask Harry and she kind of started lecturing me that it was always the wive's jobs to do the gift shopping - she did it in a joking way, kind of like you know men haha. But Harry's not like that, and he said he did send her a card, which is what they do for his birthday.
I just decided to leave it at that and go about my life, but now Sam and Harry's sister are shaming us on the sibling group chat. I know I can be stubborn and like to stick to my guns, but should I just cave on this stupid gift thing even though IMO it's not fair?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
jmgolden33 said:
It seems like you had an opportunity to deliver a really great passive aggressive response when MIL said it was the wives' responsibility - like "oh seems like you didn't get the memo when it comes to my birthday" or something along those lines.
NTA - also I think Harry needs to kind of intervene here behind the scenes. Like "hey dummies, OP is actually very thoughtful but would like there to be some reciprocation of effort once in a while."
Professional_Ruin953 said:
NTA. I'd just ignore the group chat. Let your husband defend his actions of not buying his mother a present. I mean, stay in there so that you can see if he throws you under the bus, but otherwise let him dig his own way out of the hole he dug himself into.
SafetyFluid8535 said:
NTA I can't believe the audacity of MIL to call you fishing for a gift after she doesn't do anything for your bday at all!! Honestly, i think the better way to resolve this would have been for your husband to reach out to his mom and say hey you forgot ops bday. And let him call her out on it. It is in large part a husband problem, letting you feel so left out.
rialtolido said:
NTA - they have not reciprocated. You are simply following their lead. She is lucky that you are so gracious because when she dared to ask where her gift was, you could have pointed out that you haven’t received one from her this year (or ever).
But otherwise I'd just leave it. If anyone directly says something you can just act dumb and say "what, I thought we didn't do bday gifts? Omg did you send me something and think I just didn't say thank you? It never arrived and I would have let you know if I knew something was coming!"
ConflictGullible392 said:
NTA. He is their son. If they exchanged gifts, it would be his job to get one. But given that his mother doesn’t get gifts for him or you it’s kinda ridiculous of her to expect one.
CHADofNEATHERREALM said:
NTA - It hurts when you put effort into gifts for years and don't even get a card in return. You are not being greedy; you just want to feel acknowledged. It's understandable that you decided to match their effort. Now, your husband gives them the same simple acknowledgment (a card/text) that they give him.
That is fair. Your MIL and siblings are upset because they expect you to do the work, simply because you are the wife. This isn't right. Keep your boundaries. You are being sensible, not stubborn.
SpicyPorkWontonnnn said:
NTA. His parents don't bother getting you anything and haven't for years. It's your husband's job to get them something in this case. Don't give in. Keep matching MIL's energy.