'AITA for not inviting my dad’s partner to my micro-wedding dinner?' 'She should reach out to me.'
"AITA for not inviting my dad’s partner to my micro 'wedding' dinner, and for not reaching out to her first to explain why?"
My partner and I are getting married this summer, and we’ve decided to essentially elope. We’re going to have a private ceremony just the two of us during our honeymoon. Not only does this align very much with who we are, so no one in our life is very surprised by this, but we’re also doing it because:
1. our families live scattered across the world and a larger event would mean leaving a lot of people out, and 2. We want to avoid drama. However, what we do want to do is get dressed up, take photos, and have a dinner together with our immediate families. So essentially, a micro non-wedding celebration. This is where the issues start.
So I told my parents I wanted to have this small event with just them, my partner, and my sister (not including their “new” partners). My parents went through a nasty divorce when I was in my teens, and for several reasons that I explained to them I wanted an intimate event just the five of us. My mom was fully supportive, saying she can understand why this would be so meaningful for me.
My dad understood too. But he wanted me to be the one to break the news to his partner (54F). I didn’t think I had to, because it’s not like I’m calling everyone single other family member who isn’t invited to explain this decision. But I said that if she’s upset she’s more than welcome to call me and we can talk about it.
His partner is very sensitive, and we’ve clashed a lot over the years because I don’t think she’s ever been fully willing to understand the nuances of coming into a family after a divorce.
Their relationship started shortly after the divorce, and she tried to parent both my sister and I (who were teens/pre-teens) from the get-go. But even though we’re not close, I’ve done my best to otherwise be welcoming and kind.
Well, now he’s told her and all heck has broken lose. She’s completely beside herself, and he wants me to mitigate the issue and reach out. I’ve reiterated that she’s free to call me - if she can’t possibly understand why this is about me and not her (and I can understand she’s disappointed, but so is, I assume, everyone else) then she should reach out to me.
AITA for not inviting her, and for not breaking the news to her, and for refusing to be the first person to reach out here to resolve this? I can kind of see my dad's point, who says I should be extra mindful of her since she is a sensitive person who has had a hard time accepting we're not very close and takes this personally.
However, at the same time, I don't think I'm responsible for her feelings or for cleaning up this "mess." I also believe in the idea of “my wedding, my choice.”
Here's what people had to say about this one:
m33chm said:
NTA. Your mom’s partner isn’t invited either. If dad’s partner is taking such personal offense to something that obviously isn’t actually about her, that’s her problem, not yours. Insane that they expect you (assuming 20s or 30s) to be all grown up and talk to her, but can’t expect a whole person in their 50s to grow up and respect other people’s wishes.
Genuine907 said:
NTA. Your dad needs to accept that, as her partner, her volatile emotions are his to soothe, and not yours. You made it clear that you’re being kind enough to be available to chat with her about this, and she hasn’t taken you up on that offer. At this point, she’s being a drama queen just for effect. Congratulations, OP. May the rest of your journey together be easier than the launch.
Gangster-Girl said:
NTA. She’s your dad’s problem.
lipslut said:
ESH I agree you aren’t responsible for her feelings and how she deals with them. And totally agree that you should have the wedding you want and I’m happy for you that your parents on board.
But with this woman, who sounds like she’s essentially been a stepmom for many years now (even if she wasn’t doing much actual parenting despite trying), I think you could have done better by her. Your dad even gave you a clear path. Yes, she could call you.
But...It’s a strange thing to call someone who has hurt your feelings. That’s a hard conversation to initiate and really hard to do without sounding confrontational. “Please tell me why you don’t want me there and didn’t feel the need to tell me yourself.” She’s experiencing rejection. Talking to her directly would have been the mature, kind, and thoughtful action to take.
lavenderhaze91 said:
NTA - yes you could have told her. But honestly she sounds like a PILL. And if she’s a boundary crosser since the early days of being in your lives then goodness knows what she’d try and pull at such a small and intimate event.
You don’t have to be polite. You don’t have to invite her. Your dad probably made it worse tbh, but I imagine he’s also lowkey trying to cause a situation where you’d be forced to invite her.
Hold your ground OP. This woman is in your life adjacently! Treat her as such! Worst comes to worse, do an after wedding brunch with the people you didn’t invite. And congratulations! Micro weddings rock!!
Ornery-Process said:
YTA. If you’re so sure this is how you want to handle things you need to be willing to take the heat and explain yourself especially since it was your decision/choice to purposely exclude someone.
Your rationale about calling all the other family members is BS. You 100% knew your dad’s partner would be really hurt by this and it’s pretty immature and selfish of you to put the fallout onto your dad.
Ok-Boysenberry-4994 said:
YTA. It’s your dad’s partner of 14 years, not to mention your mom’s and sister’s partners. I can’t even envision a scenario in my or my husband’s family where partners would be excluded. (I cannot stand my stepmother and barely tolerate my dad. We eloped to Vegas 24 years ago but I included them to our wedding dinner).