'AITA for not letting my mom be around my baby?' 'She wants to have her affair partner around.'

"AITA for not letting my mom be around my baby because she wants to have her affair partner around my baby?"

I (28F) am having my first baby next month after years of infertility and treatment. Everyone is excited, and we are extremely happy waiting for the baby. I think my own mother is the happiest of all.

However, I’ve never gotten along with her. I have a lot of trauma from my childhood with her, which I no longer resent but still remember. She did what she could with what she had.

The issue right now is that she’s been in a toxic relationship with my stepdad, whom she has been with for 25 years. He cheats on her, and she refuses to leave him. Whatever—it’s her life.

But she has started to do the same, I guess, and has tried to involve me. She started talking to a guy who is supposedly cousins with my biological dad. (My bio dad says he doesn’t know him.)

The guy she’s seeing asks too much about me, says he wants to meet me because we are supposedly family, and just inquires about me in a way that makes me uncomfortable.

My mom has tried to make me talk to him and meet him. I’ve refused because I think she should leave my stepdad first. I’ve also asked her several times to stop talking to me about him—I don’t care to know about their relationship, what he does, or anything else about him.

She told me I was crazy and that the guy had done nothing to me. Sure, he hasn’t, but I don’t like him. Despite knowing my feelings, she still brings him up. Their relationship is complicated, and sometimes I feel like she’s making up in her mind that he’s interested in her romantically, which—whatever—not my life.

The issue is that one day, she casually mentioned that once the baby is here, this guy would be spending time with my baby, holding her, and just being around her. This made me extremely angry. For whatever reason, I do not like this guy.

There’s something about him that makes me not want him near my child. I told her no and reminded her of our previous conversations where I asked her to stop involving me. Once again, she got angry.

I talked to my partner and told him I didn’t want her near my baby. I asked her at the beginning of my pregnancy to keep my pregnancy a secret because I was scared something would happen and only wanted to tell a few people. She told him. She told him everything about my life.

She called again, and during our conversation, since my due date is approaching, I told her she was not allowed to take pictures of my baby because I didn’t want that guy to receive any photos from her. That didn’t go well, as she told me I was crazy and needed mental help.

This is my first child. After so many years of prayers and procedures, I finally get to be a mom. Maybe I am being paranoid, but I’d like to hear your thoughts. AITA if I don’t let her near my daughter?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

clearheaded01 said:

NTA. But isnt it time to go NC with her?? Or even force her hand by informing step-dad of her affair...

SockMaster9273 said:

NTA. Keep her away from your baby. Based off of what I read, she is unlikely to listen to a word you said and she will be taking pictures and sharing them with her affair partner.

Also, Would not let the AP near me or the kids. He is claiming he is Bio Dad's cousin but Bio Dad doesn't know him. Alarms are going off. Someone isn't being truthful here and I'm suspecting the new person in Mom's life.

baobab77 said:

NTA, but two things come to mind. His insistence on meeting you and being updated, makes me wonder if your biodad is really your biodad. Perhaps their affair started many moons ago?

Also, I wouldn't even introduce your baby to her. Give no reason for her to ever have a chance at grandparents rights. If she doesn't meet the baby, she can't prove any significant relation to the child.

Srvntgrrl_789 said:

NTA. Your mom needs to back off. Let her know that until she can sort out her personal issues, she can’t visit or see your baby. Your focus needs to be on you and your baby. Also, congrats!

Love-Losing said:

NTA. But it may be time to go NC. She won’t leave him, but won’t take no for an answer. You can’t make her happy while also keeping your baby safe considering I doubt she’ll respect your boundaries and rules. I’m sorry about this OP, but do what’s best for you and your baby.

gringaellie said:

NTA, but you really need to cut her off.

Cerise_says said:

NTA. You, your partner, and your child don't need to be around your mother or her boyfriend. Cut her out of your life5 for good. It's time to show yourself the love that she didn't. This way, you can be a good mom too.