'AITA for refusing to name my baby after my dead father-in-law?'
"AITA for refusing to name my baby after my dead father-in-law?"
My husband and I are expecting our first baby. We're very excited, but it's dampened by the obvious gap in our family, my FIL, who died 2 years ago. My husband is about to become a father, and his role model, his dad, isn't here. It's been a really intense few months as we prepare.
I'm 30 weeks along, and we don't know the baby's sex. We want to find out when we meet our kid. But I also want us to have a few names ready to go. The issue is that my husband is insistent that we name the baby after his dad. A name FIL didn't even like (he felt it was old-fashioned and didn't suit him. Him not liking his name was like....the 3rd thing I learned about him. He was very vocal about it!)
Husband won't budge. If it's a boy, he wants to give him FIL's exact name, first, middle, and obviously last. If it's a girl, he's open to a feminized version (think Thomasin or Johanna, but worse, because those are actual names and there are no feminized versions of FIL's name).
He's also not open to a similar name (think: Calvin --> Alvin). And, TBH selfishly, I don't like FIL's name, and I have my own family members I'd like to honor with this baby. I'm open to making FIL's first name our baby's middle name, regardless of gender, but my husband is not. It's first-name or bust, as far as he's concerned.
He's told me he will have a very hard time forgiving me if I don't let him memorialize his dad in this way. I feel like I should just give in, on the condition that I get full naming rights for a 2nd child (assuming we have another), but a part of me is like....NO! I'm cooking this baby, I should have a say! But he's also going through it. So WIBTA if I held the line and refused to make FIL's first name my baby's first name?
NOTE: I'm not going to share the name because I don't want to be easily identified, but FIL felt like his name gave the wrong impression of him. He considered it an old-fashioned and religious name (he was a staunch Atheist). Think: Enoch, Cuthbert, Jethro (all names he jokingly said he'd rather have, if I'm being honest lol)
Here's what people had to say to OP:
mdubs8 said:
NTA, and I hate the way he’s trying to emotionally manipulate you. “I’ll have a really hard time forgiving you if you don’t give me what I want."
Shellysome said:
NTA - naming a baby requires an enthusiastic yes from both parents. If one parent is not happy, that name should be removed from the list.
Particular-Owl2446 said:
NTA. The middle name is a great compromise, especially since FIL hated his name. Husband giving you ultimatums is not okay. I think the best way to attack this is to get into super targeted couples therapy ASAP to discuss this issue. He'll never forgive you, but you'll also never forgive him.
Kactuslord said:
NTA. Nope. A baby is not a memorial plaque. I say that as someone with a dearly departed parent.
BlueBumbleb33 said:
NTA. Naming babies is a “two yes, one no” situation. Your husband doesn’t get to pressure you into a name you don’t like just because he’s grieving. And saying he’s not sure if he could forgive you if you don’t give in is borderline bullying.
flutterby727 said:
NTA. Naming a baby is a 2-yes thing. No in between. And for him to threaten you about it is low. If he keeps it up, make all of your nurses, doctors, etc aware that he is NOT to fill out any paperwork while you are recovering. If he really threatens you, don’t let him be with you at birth.
EfficientSociety73 said:
NTA. A babies name should be decided by both parents. I don’t care who “cooked” the baby or whose parent loved them more or whatever the reason is. You are both equally responsible for the child’s existence so you should have equal say in this baby's name.
Your husband is using his dad’s death to manipulate you into giving him his way. That is no way to live. He’s trying to get what he wants and fuck you if you don’t like it. Maybe it’s time to consider a separation and counseling while you two figure out a way forward.
dangerouslogic1726 said:
Your FIL didn’t like the name at all so why would the FIL want to be remembered by that name that’s some great thinking skills your husbands got there! You wouldn’t be the AH at all so far and so reading this story makes me think your husband has some standoffish morals.
runlikeitsdisney said:
Would MIL be any help here? Or a paternal sibling? Someone who can help him understand that this isn’t healthy nor is it what FIL would have wanted? NTA.