"AITA for not paying for Thanksgiving groceries as a guest?"
I (23f) was invited by my best friend (25f) of a decade to spend Thanksgiving at her house. For context, we are both recent college graduates and she is working minimum wage jobs to save for grad school while I am in grad school but have tons of educational loans and no income. So, I cannot easily afford unexpected expenses.
I have been to her house for thanksgiving many times in the past and I often help her family with the shopping or cooking since Thanksgiving prep can be hectic. Last year, my friend and I offered to make the charcuterie board and salad for her parents so they could focus on the Turkey, side dishes, and dessert.
Her parents paid for all the groceries and my friend and I helped shop/cook/clean. They complimented the salad and charcuterie board and thanked us for making them. On multiple other occasions when I visited, I would help them with errands like getting groceries and even cooking meals, which they would pay for.
This year, we did the same thing and told them we would help with the charcuterie board/salad, but after Thanksgiving, her mom got really angry and went and told my friend that she assumed I was going to pay for the charcuterie board/salad and she was surprised that I didn’t pay. My friend relayed the information to me.
I was shocked and caught off guard but asked my friend what to do and whether we should pay but she said it was fine, but in the future we should only shop for the dishes her parents were cooking and nothing else.
I was okay with that, but then while my friend was sleeping, her mom cornered me in the house and started to chastise me about not paying for the groceries and kept saying that I was not a kid anymore and should now contribute to the Thanksgiving potluck. I was unaware that Thanksgiving was supposed to be a potluck, nobody told me that before.
I just noticed that when my friend’s aunt/uncle/cousin visited they would bring one dish. I thought that was like a hostess gift, which I already had brought (a $40 box of fancy chocolate). I thought I was a guest and was helping them shop/cook something that their daughter had okayed buying on their card and they had okayed last year.
It was so awkward and I tried to pay her mom back, but she wouldn’t accept the money, but she also wouldn’t stop chastising me. Her behavior felt really rude and inhospitable. I feel very hurt that she called me out like that while my friend was sleeping, and then later again while my friend was present. Nobody in her family said that they expected us to pay for the appetizer/salad this year...
if they had done that, I would not have brought them such an expensive gift of chocolates. I feel so uncomfortable going back to their house especially for Thanksgiving, because in my culture what her mom did is the rudest thing ever. If she had a problem, she should have talked to her own daughter who ultimately was the person swiping her card for the groceries we bought. AITA or my friend’s mom?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Srvntgrrl_789 said:
NTA. You’ve known this family door a decade, and this is the first time they're coming at you for a change in rules. Also, it sounds like your friend’s mom was stressing over the cost of the dinner and decided to take it out on you. You also offered to pay, and were refused. She’s the AH. I’d skip Thanksgiving next year. What she did to you was not only rude, but also exclusionary.
FakeNordicAlien said:
NTA. Not paying initially is, at worst a little thoughtless, and if nobody discussed money then it’s on everyone. But the important thing is that when you realized she was unhappy you apologized and offered to pay, and she refused to let you, which puts you into solid NTA territory.
People aren’t aholes if they apologize and try to make things right as soon as they realize there’s an issue. She didn’t want money, she wanted to be mad. Even if you normally have a good relationship, she was an asshole on this occasion.
capn_ginger said:
Ok, this might have just been a miscommunication, but at the point where she refused to take your money in order to keep yelling at you makes it full NTA. I would never darken their doorstep again after that.
kittykat7931 said:
I think there has been a breakdown in communication somewhere between your friend and her mum and you’ve been caught in the middle. NTA - you weren’t aware there was an expectation on you bringing a dish.
Next time you get invited somewhere ask if there is anything you can bring/offer to make something and you give ample opportunity then for the hosts to ask. You gave a generous gift and helped on the day.
Agnes_Nutter2020 said:
NTA, you're a guest and you brought a gift. You don't invite people for dinner and then make them pay retrospectively.
Brownie-0109 said:
NTA. I can’t imagine ANY culture doing this. But if increasing food costs are an issue for the family, at least give folks a heads up. For one, a family in such a situation shouldn’t be doing a charcuterie board.
Also, I’m guessing your friend’s mom might have vented to her in the past about this, and it only boiled over this week. If so, your friend is a little bit of an ass for not alerting you. Finally, tbh, this would probably be a deal killer for me attending future gatherings.