'AITA for not reading between the lines and making sure my husband saw his mother on Mother's Day?'
"AITA (35F) for not reading between the lines and making sure my husband (39M) saw his mother on Mother's Day?"
I had our first baby 3.5 months ago. He's adorable. I had a rough pregnancy with gestational diabetes, and honestly, my husband wasn't great to me while pregnant. Generally unsupportive. A lot of behaviour that our couples therapist called "horrible" and "contemptible".
I dropped several specific hints about gifts I'd like for Mother's Day, and reminded him several times that Mother's Day was coming up. Wake up, nothing. Reminded him it's Mother's Day. We got home from our camping trip with his brother and his friend, and as I'm finishing unpacking things, I'm getting undressed to change but my boobs are leaking a TON of milk everywhere.
The baby is still asleep in his car seat, so I go ask my husband if he can just keep eyes on the baby while I go shower quick. Not have to do much, just keep his eyes on the baby. He rolls his eyes at me. Argues that he's on the phone with his mom and it's really important to him to talk to her on Mother's Day.
I angrily say "I need you to watch the baby for just a few minutes on Mother's Day for the person you recently willingly made a mother." and just go in to shower. I'm now steamed in more ways than one, and he goes to take the dog to the park. On the way home from the park, he picked up a greeting card and books at a bookstore that was still open.
I do appreciate the effort, although comically one of the two books is a children's book about how great dads are in the animal kingdom. In all fairness, I just don't think he read the book. I do like seahorses. Of course, we argued about it for days. The merits of my irritation. That it wasn't fair of me to ask him to watch the baby and interrupt his precious call with his mother.
Now to the recent kicker, last night we talked in circles for what seemed like an hour about how he would have liked to see his mom on Mother's Day. I had talked to her before Mother's Day, and she very specifically said she and her husband have plans. I even tried to look up restaurants that are halfway, but she turned me down.
Now, apparently, my husband says that when he later reiterated that he wanted to see her, my repeating that she turned me down to hang out was her way of politely letting us have a day together. (Some day that was) I was supposed to read between the lines. And now he's mad at me for not showing him empathy in that situation? That he'd liked to have seen his mom? How does that work?
The internet had a lot to say in response.
SubRoutineSoul wrote:
NTA. You just had a baby, endured a rough pregnancy, and your husband has been, by your therapist's words, “contemptible” and unsupportive. You made it clear you wanted to feel appreciated on your first Mother’s Day, and he blew it - until guilt kicked in and he got a last-minute card and, ironically, a book about good dads.
On top of that, he didn’t want to pause a phone call to his mom for five minutes to help you while you were leaking milk. Now he’s trying to flip the narrative and say you didn’t show him enough empathy?
That’s not you failing to read between the lines - that’s him projecting and avoiding accountability. You’re NTA You're a new mom who deserved basic support and respect on a meaningful day. He’s trying to make his poor planning your fault. You didn’t miss the point - he did.
riseandrise wrote:
YTA to yourself. Close your eyes, silence your thoughts, and listen to the voice deep inside telling you this relationship isn’t going to work.
HuckleberryNice7761 wrote:
NTA. OP we are all adults here and I’m not going to pretend you made this post to know if you are TA or not. You already know you’re NTA in this situation. So I must ask, why are you still in this situation?
Your husband’s behaviour is so obviously not okay and there clearly some underlying issues here. I used to be in an ab#$ive relationship and would also do this dance of seeing reassurance only to go back to that relationship.
Instead of doing that, think about how you may be able to leave this man. I understand it is very difficult with a new baby and financially, but you need to get out of this situation for the sake of yourself and your child and I encourage you to look up resources which may help you to do so instead of venting online and not doing anything about it.
Liu1845 wrote:
Um, he found it physically impossible to keep his eyes on his own sleeping infant while on a phone call with his mother for 15-30 minutes?
And it was up to you to make sure he saw his mommy? Is he seven years old? Did he even call her to see about stopping by?
NTA....in this or any other universe. Between this behavior and how he treated you during your pregnancy, I'd advise you to consult a lawyer now. I would also consider a private detective. He should have known his mom would not be available, so who was it he actually was so eager to visit.
Jocelyn-1973 wrote:
I hate to break it to you, but it is time to start your escape plan, if you haven't got one yet. This marriage shouldn't last for more than a couple of years and those years should be spend healing from birth, knowing your rights, knowing your assets and working on a way to support yourself and your child long term.