'AITA for not sending a 'doggy bag' home for my BIL on Christmas Eve?' UPDATED

"AITA for not sending a 'doggy bag' home for my BIL on Christmas Eve?"

This past Thanksgiving, my brother in law was unable to make it to Thanksgiving because he was working. We host Thanksgiving. Anyway, my MIL calls my wife like a day or 2 before and tells her, her brother can't make it on Thanksgiving and they want to bring a plate home. My BIL didn't call. His mom did.

So I smoke a turkey and am like fine. Take a few pieces of turkey and here's your Thanksgiving meal. Also - worth noting, our stupid little family tradition is to have a second thanksgiving the next day with all the leftovers.

We cook everything up, make sandwiches, whatever and finish it all off. We also buy a fresh turkey and accounted for him not being there. But fine, we shared a few pieces and we're still able to have our leftovers the next day.

MIL brings it home and feeds her son. My wife never received any type of acknowledgement or thanks for the meal. Literally, not even a "Happy Thanksgiving". Zero acknowledgement.

Oh also with noting, every time he has made it here, he always comes empty handed. He's given the kids gifts in the past, but I'm 100% positive it's his mom buying the gifts and he just claims them as his. (One year the card he gave had handwriting that suspiciously looked like Grandma's).

Now, today, my MIL calls my wife again (not her brother) and says her brother won't make it. Then proceeds to ask what we're having and if she can bring some home for her brother again. She claims "he's looking forward to it." I'm calling bs on that. He didn't even care to thank us the last time. He's not looking forward to anything.

He just expects it, and his mommy needs to make sure he gets everything he wants in life. Now, when it was a $30 turkey, I didn't really care. Slightly bothered that my MIL just assumed (oh that's right, she didn't ask on Thanksgiving, she just "figured" they could bring him home food) but it was whatever.

Now for Christmas Eve we step it up and get a rib roast. So we bought and I am preparing a $200, 9lb rib roast. So my wife and I are both like, he couldn't even thank us for the turkey, so you now you want to bring him home an expensive piece of meat? GTFOH. Are we the AHs?

NOTE: I made the post sound like it's about my BIL. FWIW, I don't have a problem with him. He's a mooch and that's whatever, but he's only like that because of the way my MIL and FIL raised him.

The problem is with my MIL. I thought I was providing context on my BIL's job and life to get the full picture and now I see how that comes off as an elitist. My bad. The problem here is he's not asking for it. It's more about the MIL babying him and making it our problem.

They also treat him like he's the shining star of the family and they treat my wife like crap. It's stereotypical middle kid. Which is why I put that context, but I can see it didn't send the message I wanted. Anyway. Do appreciate all the different view points! There's so much more background to all this, but it's really given us plenty to think about.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

SkylightMT said:

You can never go wrong being kind.

bakay138 said:

You are in position to buy a $200 piece of meat and a plate for a family member working on a holiday is chapping your butt? You’re a TA.

prairieislander said:

YTA for your blatant judgement and disdain for a man that hasn’t done anything wrong… aside from not getting his medical degree. It’s wild to be this up in arms over sharing a plate with a family member. And you know what, maybe he doesn’t call himself because he doesn’t wanna talk to his d of a brother in law.

CarryOk3080 said:

YTA and I can see why he wouldn't want to be around your insufferable houty toity butt. You clearly don't like your wife's family. That is extra obvious.

PrizeBlackberry3003 said:

YTA. It’s obvious you don’t like your BIL and he knows it. I wouldn’t want to spend my holidays with someone like you either. It’s not a big deal to send a plate - if he were there, he would eat your $200 rib roast, so what difference does it make if you make him a plate?

cataholicsanonymous said:

YTA. I have a BIL that sounds very similar who has kind of "failed to launch" - he's the youngest, works a low paying job with weird hours, lives alone in a little studio apartment, etc. He's a bit of a flake and we never really know if he's going to show up to holiday dinners or not until the moment of. Sometimes he comes late after the rest of us have already eaten.

Guess what. I happily save a plate of food for him every time, whether he comes or not, and usually send him home with leftovers too. His life does not impact my life and I have sympathy for him that things are just generally harder for him. If a plate of food can give him a little bit of joy I will happily provide it.

watchingallthelights said:

YTA I know people who feed actual strangers on Thanksgiving, you can’t send a doggy bag home for a relative.

CallMeSisyphus said:

Sounds to me like it's time for you to rewatch A Christmas Carol there, Mr. Scrooge. YTA.

DNN25 said:

YTA. You’re really making a mountain out of a mole hill. It’s not your place to judge your BIL for his lack of formal education, job or living arrangements. You sound super stuck up, looking down your nose at him.

Gross. If it works for your MIL and him, that’s their business. Mind your own. Stop being so petty and send him a damn leftover dinner from your previous elitist $200 roast.

UPDATE:

After reading this and reflecting - yes, as most of you have pointed out, I'm the AH for putting in the comments about my BIL's job. It wasn't needed and does highlight that I'm being a jerk looking down on him. Completely uncalled for.

As I've alluded to, and some have commented on, there's a lot of context missing here and I'm an AH for thinking that posting to the Internet would help me resolve any of that.

It's not the food, it's not the cost of food, or his job that deep down is really bothering us. Withholding a "doggy bag" is petty. I don't think it's something we would actually do, but more of a frustration that we voiced. And mistakenly to the Internet of all places.

However, this post did bring out some self awareness and self reflection. Yes, her brother will no doubt not send a simple thanks and continue to be blissfully unaware. Yes, my MIL will continue to treat him like he's god's gift that does no wrong.

Yes, my MIL will continue to be unaware of any of that and continue to treat my wife like she does. And yes, me not sending home a plate of food will do nothing to change any of that. A lot has happened this year and I think this was the dumb straw that broke us.

It's stupid. I will happily send him home a plate and be grateful that my family can afford that this holiday season. (Thin slice though, and the sides that no one wanted, hahahahaha. I kid, I kid)