"AITA for not serving stepkids dinner and 'ruining it' for everyone?"
My (30f) partner (45m) have been together for just over a year. We have known each other for about 3 years total. We currently live together (moved in early as my lease was up, although it was too early for both of us, we decided that’s ultimately that’s where we wanted the relationship to go) we are a blended family of 5 kids.
We have recently gone camping where his kids (16,14,12) met a group of 18yr old boys. His youngest daughters wanted to go hangout with the new group of boys at night. The boys had been drinking (legal here) and were drunk when they left our camp site.
My partner said no & was met with attitude, so I stepped in, said it was inappropriate for underage girls to be with adult men who had been drinking. I offered to go to their campsite with them - they said no.
Normally I wouldn’t put my 2 cents in, very much NACHO when it comes to each other’s kids, but they were giving their dad such bad attitude and we were just trying to enjoy our bonfire.
Well, the girls turned on me, full yelling, name calling, being totally disrespectful. My partner said nothing, I went to bed pissed off. I was only looking out for them/having my man's back and didn’t deserve that.
For the next 2 days, on a couple different occasions my partner and I talked about the issue - he said I should just move on and forget about it. I explained to him that I felt completely disrespected and name calling is never ok, especially from children.
I explained that I feel uncomfortable cooking, cleaning, and providing for people who call me names and talk to me with such piss poor attitude when I’m only looking out for them. I was done doing these things for them until an apology was in order - I made that perfectly clear.
They had been at their moms until last night. Last night I cooked a lamb roast, heaps of veggies and the works as it was his son’s 16th birthday. Throughout the day I asked what the plan was with the girls and reminded him that I’m not cooking/cleaning for them…he said nothing.
Well dinner time comes, and we’re all in the kitchen, I told the girls “like you said on Saturday 'I’m not your mother' so it’s not my job to put food on the table for you. I don’t do favors for people who talk with such disrespect” - all hell broke loose. His daughters started screaming, cursing and asking why I’m still here and that I should leave.
My partner said that I’ve now upset his kids and picked a fight at dinner, ruining it for everyone. He didn’t have my back at all. I ended up walking away, he ended up going to the opposite side of the house with his kids and I went to the other end with mine.
This morning we haven't spoken a word but there is tons of tension in the house. I didn’t think I was the AH for standing my ground about the disrespect while camping but maybe I am the AH for saying something at dinner. So, Am I the ahole?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Right_Cucumber5775 said:
You need to move out and find another place to live. You've moved in too soon. Your partner should have stopped all of the conflict a long time ago. This is a no-win situation.
frolicndetour said:
ESH, your partner for not having your back and the both of you for moving in together too soon. Guess what, if it was too early for you both as grown adults, it is too early for your kids. No wonder they are acting up.
You guys decided to spend their lives just because your lease was ending and then probably didn't bother to even see if they were alright with it or provide counseling. You should have just moved or renewed your lease for another year. Yall are shitty parents who put your needs above your kids.
MuchTooBusy said:
ESH. First- at the campground, you should have let him handle the disrespect from his children himself, without stepping in. If you guys have a NACHO policy for your kids, don't unilaterally change it.
Second- He needs to handle the discipline of his children. It sounds like he doesn't, so that's a huge red flag. He sucks. Third- the discussion with his children about the apology they owe you, which obviously they do, was handled in about the worst, most petty way possible.
And at a really terrible time. You ruined his son's birthday! And it doesn't sound like the son was at fault in any way!
CoolBabe06 said:
Honestly your partner should’ve had your back. If he’s gonna ignore the disrespect, that’s on him, not you. You setting limits is healthy, not ruining dinner.
PhDTARDIS said:
Wait, what? He's calling you names? His kids are picking up on that and think it is okay. MOVE OUT NOW.
happy4clappy said:
NTA…although I wouldn’t have brought it up at a birthday dinner for the son. But also, get out of this relationship. You’re 30 and he’s 45. His kids don’t respect you and he doesn’t seem to either.