"AITA for not showing my husband messages on my phone?"
My husband (41M) and I (38F) have been married for 11 years and have 2 kids (9 & 7). Over the past couple years our relationship hasn't exactly been the best. Between both of us working full-time, kids' activities, daily routines, etc, neither of us has really been putting in the effort needed to keep our marriage strong.
There's no infidelity or anything like that. Just that we haven't really been connecting as much as both of us know we should. We did couples therapy for a bit but that started to become too difficult to schedule so we stopped.
It was my husband's birthday a couple weeks ago and one of the gifts I got him was a couple's card game that is supposed to help build communication. Basically, one person draws a card and it gives prompts to either spark conversation or another form of interaction.
This past Saturday we sat down with a bottle of wine and started looking at them together. Most of them were kind of fun like "What dream did you give up on that you wish you could still pursue?" But others were deeper and more existential and focused on our relationship.
I got one that was a "Trust builder" where I was supposed to let my husband look through my phone, in front of me, for a couple minutes. I am very protective of my phone, not because I have anything to hide myself, but because some of my friends have shared some pretty private information with me via messages.
After I pulled the card, I put it down and said I didn't want to do that one. My husband immediately grabbed it and shot me a look. He asked why I didn't want to do that one and I told him because I have private information from my friends on my phone that he doesn't need to know.
He was kind of skeptical and said that we can do that card together and handed me his phone. I told him I still didn't want to do it. He got kind of frustrated and said this game was my idea to work on communication and connection and the fact that I was refusing to let him look at my phone made him that I was hiding something.
He started asking a bunch of questions like if I was badmouthing him to my friends or flirting with anyone and I kept telling him that it wasn't anything like that. Just that my friends have shared private information with me that he doesn't need to know.
He just said "Fine" and got up from the table and left me there. I tried to get him to sit down again and keep going through the cards but he said he was done with the game if I wasn't going to actually follow through with it.
Ever since then, if he catches me looking at my phone he will ask me who I'm texting or what I'm looking at, which he has never done before. Now I feel like he thinks I'm hiding something and doesn't trust me. And he's making me feel like an a-hole when I'm really just trying to protect my friends' privacy.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
EquivalentNatural219 said:
You are clearly choosing your friends over your marriage.
robtonka99 said:
YTA. This was your game and while your excuse might be legit, you've created a red flag. You got a "trust builder" card, and are demonstrating a lack of trust. What's more important, your husband's trust, or keeping your friend's secrets from your husband.
goedea said:
YTA just for that gift. God forbid you give him a gift for HIM on HIS birthday. Then you broke his trust and expected to get him to play YOUR game, by YOUR rules.
sog96 said:
Hope you find a trustworthy attorney because I see divorce in the horizon.
oldmanStuie said:
YTA. You started it, you didn't finish it. A game to build trust, eh?
OriginalSchmidt1 said:
YTA, it was for a couple of minutes and you could have easily said “please don’t look at this conversation because it has my friend private info they have trusted me with” not letting him look at all definitely makes you look sus...
it’s not like he’d have the thing for hours reading every single convo.. you created an issue in your marriage on top of the issues you are already dealing with. It’s marriage, you have to be all in.