"AITA for not spending Thanksgiving night with my wife?"
(Just want to preface I have consistent seizures and can’t drive) I (M27) and my wife (F26) almost always prioritize her families thanksgiving over my family's thanksgiving (note: we’ve been together 10 years and this is not a problem her family cooks way better food) including this year even though my grandparents health is deteriorating pretty quickly.
I received a call from my dad about a week prior to Thanksgiving asking if my wife and I would be able to make it and I explained that with my wife being in her last few weeks of school for this quarter and it being her last year she’s overwhelmed with school work and it would be a lot to drive an extra hour (already driving an hour and a half). To my side of the family's Thanksgiving dinner.
My dad said he understood, but he really emphasized that they aren’t gonna be here much longer and that my grandma's memory is getting worse faster than expected with her dementia. I talked to my wife about all this and we compromised that we will spend the night there Christmas Eve and spend all of Christmas with them and that was fine but I still was feeling guilty but I thought it was an even compromise.
Fast forward to Thanksgiving, and my sister and her partner ended up coming to my wife’s families thanksgiving dinner, and my sister planned on going to my dads side of the family to visit my dad and grandparents. I thought wow how perfect? I can go spend the night there tonight, spend time with that side of the family and be back home in the morning because my sister can bring me home.
My wife wouldn’t have to worry about coming with and could go home and focus on school work etc...So I brought it up saying I thought it would be a good idea and she said “sure whatever” and I knew immediately she didn’t like the idea. I asked her a little later when we were in more private situation and she said that I’m an ahole because I’m leaving her alone on a holiday.
Like I feel bad that she feels this way but I do not feel bad about trying to see my grandparents that had more of a hand in raising me than my mother even did. So am I the ahole for leaving my wife alone and going to see my family on Thanksgiving after we spent 6 hours at her family’s?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
ThisWillAgeWell said:
NTA. It's a very sensible plan. Your followup comment: Her first text to me after leaving was “if this happens again I want a divorce."...makes me think that you have bigger problems than the one in your subject line.
Your wife is prepared to blow up a 10-year relationship because of which roof you want to sleep under for ONE NIGHT? After you've already spent time with her and her family and enjoyed a meal together? She's not prepared to make an exception because of your grandparents' health?
There are many valid reasons to leave a marriage, or even to threaten to, but this is an unbelievably trivial and frankly selfish reason. It's not something you say to a loving partner if your relationship is happy and secure.
I think there's something more going on here. My instinct is that your wife is unhappy in the marriage for other reasons, and is just waiting for you to hand her a reason to walk away.
Twindo said:
It’s kinda selfish and immature of her to basically take the situation you’re in and boil it down to “he’s leaving me on thanksgiving." You’re not the ahole, go see your dad and grandparents. Let her get over it.
Specific_Inspector94 said:
NTA, enjoy time with your grandparents while they are still here and still remember you. You aren't abandoning her, she is choosing to stay behind.
jma7400 said:
NTA. Honestly sounds like you compromise way more seeing her family over yours. This was a good way to see them and your wife can do her thing.
ConflictGullible392 said:
NTA. You already spent the holiday with your wife and her family. Going to see your family after the gathering is over should not be an issue.
Runneymeade said:
NTA. Wow, your wife sounds controlling. Threatening divorce over you making arrangements to see your grandparents....just no, OP. That is horrible.