'AITA for not telling my coworker I matched with her new husband on a dating app years ago?'

"AITA for not telling my coworker I matched with her new husband on a dating app 3-4 years ago?"

I (26F) matched with this guy (Al) on (I think?) bumble sometime 2.5-4ish years ago. Al works at a big prestigious company and his job was really important to him. He and I had a really good conversation after first matching and talked pretty late into the night.

I was going through a lot at the time (likely suffering from high functioning depression at the time finishing graduate studies in the middle of the pandemic, and being the primary emotional support person for most of my family as one of my family members was going through active addiction + new diagnosis of schizophrenia).

The next day (or maybe a few days?) after, Al reached out again to tell me he was nervous about an upcoming business trip and because he felt we had had a good connection he was hoping to talk to me to provide support to him.

The idea of providing to support to yet another person at that time was too overwhelming for me, so instead of being an emotionally mature adult, I just never responded to him and ghosted (I know, that was bad).

I met Kate about 1.5 years ago when she started at my work. I knew Kate had a boyfriend at the same prestigious company as Al, but it didn't register they could be the same person and his real name is relatively common...

(tbh, I didn't even really remember Al at this point, although I did remember ghosting someone who worked at this company; my brain has latched onto the memory of ghosting someone who had asked for my support to remind me every so often that I am, in fact, not a good person).

2 months, I met Al for the first time at an after work party, and he looked familiar but I wasn't sure why. At the party, Al was really insistent on asking me and another close friend from work some math questions and would not let us avoid answering the question. The next day at work, Kate told us that she and Al were newly engaged and would be getting married really soon.

We were all excited and started asking her about their relationship, and when Kate revealed they met on a dating app I realized that Al probably looked familiar to me bc he and I must have matched at some point.

Since I've been in a committed relationship for just under 2 years (longer than Kate & Al have been together), I knew there was no overlap, and we never exchanged numbers, so I didn't think to look into it further to confirm or mention the possibility of our old match.

Kate and Al got married about 2 weeks ago, and Al was recently transferred to a city far away. Kate will be following him in about a year when her contract is up. Last week, on a work trip, Kate told me that Al told her about our match and asked why I hadn't told her about it. I downplayed it, saying I barely remembered and it was years ago.

Kate is furious I didn't tell her sooner, accusing me of lying by omission and being weirdly obsessed with her husband. She told everyone at work, causing a split in opinion and office gossip and now Kate is avoiding me. AITA for not mentioning we may have matched?

Here's what people had to say about this one:

FabledInkk said:

NTA. Honestly, it sounds like a weird coincidence from years ago, and it’s not like you intentionally hid anything or acted in a way that would affect Kate’s relationship. You weren’t even in a relationship with Al, and it was a brief interaction that you didn’t even fully remember. There’s no reason to bring up something so minor unless it was directly relevant, and in this case, it really doesn’t seem like it was.

Kate’s reaction seems pretty extreme it was a past, non-issue, and the way she’s handling it now seems more like she’s projecting her insecurities. It’s unfortunate that she’s made it into a big deal at work, but you were under no obligation to bring it up sooner.

Bitter-Paramedic-531 said:

NTA, but to be fair, I think this is one of those situations that I'd have styled it out. "I matched with your husband? Really? I remember being on dating apps, but I don't remember him at all. Wow, what a small world."

PhiaVents said:

NTA for her to be upset over him going on a date with you over 2.5 years ago is actually insane. She's probably extremely insecure if she's upset about this. I would ignore her but also document everything she is saying as well with time stamps, I would also check if you have any coworkers who would be willing to speak to HR with you about what she is saying.

It may not seem like a super huge deal now but if she's blowing something so small like this out of proportion now another year with her might be even worse. This way if she ever tries something like this again you have it documented already just to be on the safe side. Good luck!

cassowary32 said:

NTA. You matched, talked for 24 hours then ghosted him. What were you supposed to tell Kate? Oh. I matched with your fiancé then ghosted because he was an emotional vampire? Shouldn't she be basking in the glow of her new marriage? Why would she care about a brief interaction way before she met her husband?

Niccon43 said:

NTA, you spent one evening chatting with him more than 2 years before she even met him and never spoke to him again, there was nothing to tell. Now, if he had been some sort of creep then, maybe you'd say something, just as a warning for her to be careful.

[deleted] said:

NTA. It was before they met, you didn’t even remember the guy and it was just one date. She seems insecure and jealous.