'AITA for not telling my daughter about my cancer diagnosis?' 'I have major regrets.'

"AITA for not telling my daughter about my cancer diagnosis?"

My wife (55F) and myself (55M) recently have been removed from our daughter’s life (33F) due to differing political views. We love our daughter and respect her passion for what she believes in. My wife and I even have slightly different political beliefs but make things work.

Out of the blue earlier this year, our daughter texted my wife and said that she did not want anyone in her life that did not believe in what she felt and that would not be loudly speaking out. Since that time we have had an anniversary, birthday, Mother’s Day (the most important one to me) and Father’s Day have passed with no contact.

Within the last few weeks we found out that I have cancer and are working through the process as we learn the full diagnosis , treatment options and what next steps should be. I will be having surgery next month and we have started to tell people who we are close with. It is possible that our daughter will find out one way or another.

As another level of detail, my parents SUCKED at telling me and my sister about any of their health issues. We would find out about any major medical issues way after things worked out. My Dad did tell me in person when he was diagnosed with ALS, but my mom kept everything to herself until we found out she had dementia and that she had known for years.

My wife’s family shares every detail and that is how I wanted to be. I also have major regrets that I did not spend enough time with my dad before he died or with my mom before her memory was completely gone.

I feel that my daughter has had opportunities to reach out (even a text) to show she still wants us in her life. I also don’t want to look like I am trying to use my cancer to get her to reluctantly come back into our lives.

If something bad happens I want her to have the opportunity to decide how she reacts, I don’t want her to have the every day regret that I have of not spending more time with my parents when I could. AITA for feeling that until my kid contacts me I have no obligation to tell her anything about what is going on with my health?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Hot_Tea_3266 said:

You don’t owe her your diagnosis but informing her isn’t selfish, it’s thoughtful.

shammy_dammy said:

She's estranged from you. Is there a third neutral party around who could give her this info instead?

Sneakerkeeper123 said:

I didn't have the differences you did with my parents bit they didnt tell me my mom had cancer. She died 2 years later. I didnt have the chance to get recipes in her head, ask questions, enjoy time.

I lived 2 years of lies. If I couldn't trust my parents to tell me the truth and let me know how they wanted to handle it, then I cant trust anyone. I wasn't 12, I was in my 40s. I'd simply tell her, what your outcome may be, and that this isn't to force a reconciliation but to keep her informed.

AZCAExpat2024 said:

You are purposefully being vague here. “Differing political views” can mean anything. If your daughter cut you off for big differences in morals or values or because you support policies that will directly hurt her then the rift may be permanent. And justified. If you do decide to inform her wait until you know the prognosis and have a more complete picture of your future.

IceCheerMom said:

Your daughter has already told you she wants no contact with you. Leave her alone.

H0ney_5yrup said:

NTA she don’t even wanna hear from you dude just leave it alone.

Less_Instruction_345 said:

NTA. She has made it clear she does not want contact. You are just respecting her wishes by not informing her.