'AITA for not telling my wife what happened at lunch with my friend?' 'We thought it was hilarious.'
"AITA for not telling my wife what happened at lunch with my friend?"
I am 36M and am married to my 34F wife. I have a female friend who I've known since we were 10 years old. We never had anything more than a platonic relationship and she is also happily married for the past 5 years. My wife has met her multiple times and gets along great with her.
Last month, my friend and I met for lunch. Our wives couldn't join because they were traveling/had other things to do. We've met before for lunch just the 2 of us so it was no big deal. While we were paying, the waitress said "You guys make a really cute couple btw." We thought it was hilarious and quickly clarified that we are just friends.
I didn't tell my wife about it because it slipped my mind and wasn't that important to me. Now this past weekend, my friend and her wife visited us. My friend brought it up as a funny story. Her wife thought it was hilarious.
My wife laughed at the time but after they left, she gave me a lot of crap asking why I hid it from her and that she hated that someone thought we were a couple. I said I didn't think it was important and she said she needs me to tell her these things and will be uncomfortable with me going out with my friend alone.
She said she trusts me but hates that my friend and I get perceived as a couple. Am I the ahole for not telling her?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
BackgroundCarpet1796 said:
It wasn't significant. This happens to me when I go out with my sister. You simply can't control how others with perceive you, but it doesn't matter because it has no bearing to reality. NTA. This sounds like an excuse. Your wife has been uncomfortable about your friendship and found a "reason" to justify her suspicion.
MisterForkbeard said:
NTA. I mean, talk it over with your wife: I didn't think this was a big deal - it's this woman you know, she's literally married to another woman, and you and your friend are never going to be a threat to your wife.
However, it's clear that your wife does care so you'll do your best to tell her about these things going forward. Would she like to know if someone treats you as a couple? Is there something she wants you do a little differently so you're not perceived that way? Be willing to give a little so long as it's reasonable.
Likewise, your wife isn't necessarily wrong for feeling that way, even if there's nothing really behind it. Talk to her about it and be willing to make reasonable acommodations, and she needs to be willing to let you hang out with your friend too.
septhanie said:
NTA. To start this kind of conflict resolution, I’d suggest the following. Acknowledge her feelings. Explain your perspective. Apologize for your actions hurting her.
Find out why it’s important to her and work to find a common solution that meets both of your needs, so that you both have an expectation of what to do the next time a situation that hits this same nerve arises. You care about each other, focus on what feelings you both share and come from a place of love.
gothfru said:
NTA. People assume every M-F pair is a couple, I swear. I have mostly male coworkers, and frequently end up on site for a long enough period of time that I take different ones to the same restaurant. We joke that I must leave gossip in my wake for some of these places.
MusicHoney said:
NTA. But this may be an opportunity for you guys to address her anxiety about it in a healthy way.
hipdashopotamus said:
NTA your wife can feel a certain way about things and you can absolutely re assure her and comfort her on her feelings but you can't control how random people perceive you and your wife can't get mad at that it's ridiculous. The waitress likely senses the connection of 10+ years of friendship, also waitresses are often "extra nice" because of tips.
Artistic_Thought7309 said:
NTA. Your wife clearly has insecurities she has probably been unaware about.
irrelevantTomato said:
NTA - but don't miss the signs of jealousy, a very human emotion. Your wife should be honest about her feelings and you should be empathetic, reassuring, but also firm that your friendship isn't a threat to your relationship with your wife.