"AITA for not wanting my in-laws in my bed?"
Hi there, for some context, me 34F and my partner 39F have been together 5 years. We have 2 kids, 11 and 13 each with their own bedroom. We live in a modest sized three bedroom home and have no guest bedroom. Growing up in the Midwest, it was not unusual that when my grandparents came into town, I was to give up my bedroom for them.
This was understandable since I was a child and could make do on the couch. However, it was completely unheard of in my family for the master bedroom to be given over to the elders as it was the marital bedroom, so my parents always kept their room.
As an adult I expect my room to remain mine, with the exception of a sick child needing cuddles. This appears to be different for my partner and her parents. My in-laws live approximately 2 hours away, and when they come into town, it is expected that we give up our bedroom for them. This has always bothered me.
They have more than enough funds, but even if they did not, I would gladly pay for a hotel room or give them our 11 year old's bedroom (full sized bed which they are used to) if they wish to stay with us. I have mentioned this to my partner, but she insists that the only acceptable way is for them to have our room and that the 11 year cannot be expected to give up their room.
This led to a bit of an argument because if they stay in our room that means we have to sleep in the living room on a pallet and get woken up at 7 in the morning when her Mother wakes up(making coffee and all manner of noise in the kitchen), which I can't stand, but she finds acceptable. Am I being unreasonable?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Certain_Candidate248 said:
NTA. My bedroom is my personal space. Not happening. Hard pass. If they don't like it get them a hotel room or sleep in one of the kid's rooms.
Impressive_Moment786 said:
NTA -an 11 year can be expected to give up their room because they don't pay the mortgage. And why are you expected to but your child isn't? I was raised the same as you, I always gave up my bed for visiting family. I am not giving up my room in the house that I pay to live in.
auntwewe said:
If your wife insists on them using your room, then personally, I would go stay in a hotel. I’m not getting woke up first thing in the morning in my own damn house. Ps I’m curious where this expectation came from that it is expected that you give up your bed. Have you done this in the past?
MorriganNiConn said:
NTA. Your marital bed is NOT your in-laws marital bed and it should never be. Nope. That's something they're not entitled to ever.
AnotherCatLover88 said:
NTA This is gross and your wife and her family are wrong.
fausted said:
NTA. They can plan an early visit with enough time for them to drive home, or book a hotel or AirBNB. Otherwise, they don't have to visit. Maybe they can just call or figure out how to FaceTime.
After reading the comments, OP updated the post to include:
I am of Scottish background and my partner is of German heritage. We live in the Midwestern United States, the only cultural tradition that we share in this regard is the elders taking a child's bedroom. We live in a single level home so there are no stairs to navigate. Giving up our bedroom has been a thing since we got together 5 years ago and we have been married for 3 of those years.
They only visit a handful of times a year and when we first got together I was more accommodating because for her it was a matter of respecting her folks and I wanted to make a good first impression (also, the kids were smaller and had tiny beds). I did bring my discomfort to my wife's attention after the third time they stayed over, because at that point we were making long-term plans together.
She stated that it was important her parents be comfortable. It is also important to point out that it doesn't happen every time they come over. During the summer months they park their RV in our driveway and sleep in it, but for the colder snowy months they use our bedroom.
I think it has become more of an issue for me as I have gotten older. Our relationship is firmly established at this point and it is starting to feel like a lack of respect for my needs. I love my wife and normally we have an excellent and well-balanced relationship, this is just one of the few things we disagree on.