'AITA for not wanting to pass on my kids' clothes and toys to my SIL?' UPDATED

"AITA for not wanting to pass on my kids' clothes and toys to my SIL?"

A few weeks ago my MIL came over and was is my nursery when she started to ask what size my babies are now and asked if there was any clothes that didn’t fit them anymore. At first I thought she was seeing if they needed more clothing until she asked to have my babies old clothes when they have grown out of them, including any toys and baby furniture that we don’t need.

I informed her that some clothing we will be keeping for sentimental value and the rest will be exchanged at a second hand store so that we can use it as a credit to buy my babies more clothing a few sizes up. And this goes for any toys or furniture. She then quickly states that she wants them for her daughter when she has children of her own.

Bear in mind that my SIL isn’t planning to have children until marriage and isn’t in a rush to have children anyway. I said no because it will help us save money by exchanging the clothes in for larger sized clothing. She was very obviously disappointed “Oh I was hoping you would pass on all your stuff that your babies don’t need."

MIL then said “well then...I at least want what I gave for the kids. When you are done, just pass them to me to hold onto." Last time I checked, when you buy something for someone...you don’t go asking for it back regardless if they don’t need it. She acted as though it was expected of me to pass on my children’s stuff to SIL, and she obviously didn’t want to take no for an answer.

My husband and I are trying to be savvy with our money since we have twins and only one income coming in at the moment to which she is very aware of but still doesn’t seem to understand why I don’t want to pass anything to SIL...I have no intention of passing on anything, and some things I want to keep so I can pass onto my kids when they have their own families in the future.

AITA for this because I know my MIL is going to be fuming when she finds out that I have already exchanged some of my kids clothing and what ever I can’t exchange, I will be donating to new mothers who can’t afford much.

Plus if my SIL can afford to go out to expensive dinners and concerts all the time, surely she can afford to buy stuff for her kids when the time comes. And also, what Should I tell her when she asks again...do I just tell her no again but be a little more direct next time?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

nancy_sez_yr_sry said:

NTA. Your reason for exchanging makes perfect sense. If she asks again, give the same response, explain that you have already exchanged some items and will continue to do so to buy items your kid currently needs. After that, you can just say “we already talked about this” and change the subject. Repeat as necessary. She may stop giving you stuff but worth the peace.

grumpymuppett said:

So the SIL in question isn’t even pregnant yet and MIL is trying to guilt you into “supporting family?" NTA this is insanity.

Prudent_Border5060 said:

Nta. She is delusional. What if she doesn't even have children. Your mil is nuts. You can always take a break from her.

myocardia27 said:

NTA I would talk to SIL about this. My guess is she doesn’t want your stuff anyways. I’d maybe head it off with her to be safe. If she doesn’t want it maybe the two of you can be a united front with MIL about it.

SewNewKnitsToo said:

NTA. It may help you socially later if you hold back a few nicer or sentimental pieces from your MIL for your SIL (especially anything homemade) but saving things for a hypothetical baby that isn’t born yet and may not be the same gender is pretty silly.

Styles change, elastic ages, you already have suitable plans for the stuff that YOU OWN. All gifts become yours entirely to dispose of as you please. Literally going through your and your child’s belongings looking for future gifts is rude and grasping.

VermicelliNo109 said:

NTA! I've never heard of a place where you can exchange your smaller sizes and use the store credit for sizes bigger. As a mum of 3 that sounds amazing!

BigRedJeeper said:

NTA - since it’s your MIL, it’s your husband’s responsibility to talk to her about this. He needs to ask her if she is giving things to your twins (at birthdays or Christmas) or if this is just on loan? If it’s a loan, thanks but no thanks. If it’s a gift, don’t expect to get it back.

Moemoe5 said:

NTA. Continue with your plan. Don’t even address it if she mentions it again. I do not answer questions about subjects I’ve already addressed.

UPDATE:

Update to my original story where my MIL is wanting me to pass on my twin babies old clothing, toys and other stuff to my SIL who doesn’t have any children and isn’t pregnant: So firstly, thank you for all the supportive comments. I will address a few questions.

MIL is somewhat of a hoarder and she has a bad habit of picking up junk from the curbside. She is always dumping random stuff at my front door for the twins and most of the time it ends up in the bin. Most of the stuff that gets dumped at my front door is real rubbish.

For example, there was a bag of moldy toys/books and a soft basket covered in cat hair. I’m allergic to cats, and who in their right mind would give toys or books covered in black mould to babies, let alone any child?

MIL is always buying stuff that she wants for my kids, despite me telling her that most of the things she buys aren’t what we want or need for them, including some products that are not recommended like baby sleepwear with hoodies, cot bumpers, and Johnson’s baby products that trigger my babies eczema.

I might sound ungrateful saying that, but when I buy something for someone’s kids, I ask the parents first to make sure it’s something they feel comfortable using or giving to their children.

I know many of you are saying not to accept anything that she gives us however I’m sure MIL would make a big issue out of it and make my life MORE miserable. Anything I don’t want, I either sell, exchange, or donate to other mothers who want or need those items. So my kids are still getting stuff, and we are saving money to get the things we actually want or need for them.

Even though my SIL doesn’t know when or if she is going to have children, she is fully aware of the situation but doesn’t seem to have a problem with her mother hoarding stuff for her. Let’s just say that SIL pretty much lives in MIL’s back pocket.

I spoke to my husband to gauge his opinion and check if he is going to back me up when MIL asks again. And trust me… MIL will ask again, because she made comments during my pregnancy that when I’m done with anything pregnancy or baby-related, I can put aside some of those things for SIL and MIL will hold onto it.

Some of my pregnancy and baby stuff is actually good quality, name-brand gear that I managed to score second-hand. For example, my pram would have cost us upwards of $2500 new. So, uh… no way am I giving that to someone who doesn’t even need it, especially when I could give it to actual mothers in need.

Thankfully my husband agrees. Although he did sort-of back me up last time, next time he plans to put his foot down because selling or exchanging things really helps us continually get what our kids need as they grow without breaking the bank.

He even said, “I don’t care if she has a problem, it’s our stuff.” Which made me really happy to hear. MIL is probably going to be pissed, but damn, it feels good to have hubby tell her that no means no.

Another update: I just exchanged some of my twins old clothing this morning and some of it was name branded clothing that she was expecting to get back. I spent $98 on clothing with prices ranging from $1 to $5. Two bags full to the brim With clothes that are good quality and will last them a while.

Here's what people had to say about the update:

Tboogie-1 said:

Good for you. I’d suggest recommending MIL start saving all the random moldy cat fur covered things for your SILs nonexistent children. I sold a lot of my sons gently used and unstained items once he outgrew them. You can continue to do the same and use the funds towards items they need.

Stock-Mountain-6063 said:

Good heavens I wouldn't even accept it or allow it in my house. If she drops it at the door I would tell her that she needs to come bloody well pick it up because it's not happening. Tell her to save whatever she wants to drop off for her daughter.

MildlyAmusedHuman said:

NTA. Your approach is sensible and diplomatic in handling of your MiL. SiL wanting your stuff is bizarre. We kept some sentimental items and the crib (solid and quality). The rest of our kids baby stuff we sold, gifted or donated.

sierra38grandma said:

I love this update yayy you have a great husband. I am so glad he is going to deal with and shut down his mom. The way you deal with outgrown clothes and toys is brilliant. Definitely keep it up, you save so much money doing it your way. His mom sounds disgusting and I wouldn't want her to close to my kids. She probably dumpster dives and can get you all super sick.

BiofilmWarrior said:

I'm petty so I'd put anything MIL gave me/us to the side when I /my family was done with it so I could return it to MIL. Everything you're doing is perfect.

Texas-Forever_ said:

Place a large box in the garage and place everything she gives you into it immediately upon receipt and give her the box every time it fills up. Use NONE of it.