'AITA for not wanting to provide a whole Christmas for my sister’s kids?'

"AITA for not wanting to provide a whole Christmas for my sister’s kids?"

I (37F) have two children, 5M and 7F. Their Christmas gifts are already bought and paid for, and their Christmas is settled. My sister, 35F, have two kids of her own, 2M and 4M. My sister’s husband died in September, and the grief has absolutely destroyed her. It has prevented her from celebrating holidays with her kids. I have been very supportive and have been there for her and her children.

I took her kids out trick-or-treating with mine when she was going through a very big wave of grief and felt unable to. I have also taken her kids to my house for the weekend when she needed a break. I have never invalidated her grief.

We know Christmas this year is going to be extremely tough for her and her kids. My whole family and I made sure her kids had plenty of gifts because my sister felt like she wasn’t able to go Christmas shopping without breaking down. I’m in a bit of a tough spot as I recently got into a minor car accident (nobody was hurt) and need to pay to fix damages, while my husband and I both work paycheck to paycheck.

Recently my sister called me and told me she didn’t feel like her kids had enough gifts. I told her that I’m sorry if she doesn’t think it’s enough, that I tried, and I don’t really have much spending money since all of the money I’m making is going towards fixing our car and groceries/other necessities.

I let her know that she can always order some more gifts online and have them come after Christmas if it’s too hard to go shopping in person, but she was adamant she wanted them to open everything on Christmas. I got a bit upset at this, because I really tried everything with the situation I’m in.

My parents stepped in to get her and the kids gifts as well. I understand grief can cause people to be irrational, but I can’t help but feel annoyed at the way she’s treating my help. So, AITA?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

becoming_maxine said:

NTA. Her children are 2 & 4. They aren't even going to remember this Christmas. You can literally give them empty boxes, colored painters tape and washable markers and they will be thrilled to mark up the boxes.

They would just need a little supervision and your sister is their parent and needs to step up. Where are the grandma's in this situation? They are usually the ones who make the magic for kids. Is your sister playing the whole team to do all the heavy lifting with the children.

Zestyclose-Dig9563 said:

You're NTA, but I think someone needs to tell your sister it’s not the gifts she feels like isn’t enough or missing. It’s her husband and the father of her children that is missing. She’s missing her husband and misplacing those feelings. Keep being straightforward and honest, but also give grace and remember grief will never be easy.

Pun_Intended1703 said:

I think your sister is expecting too much from you. She needs to get help for her grief, if nothing else, at least for her own kids. That doesn't mean that you become an alternate parent and caregiver and provider. NTA.

Delicious_Job_2880 said:

NTA. If she feels her children don't have enough, then she needs to be the one to go out and get more. You tried your best. I get she's grieving her spouse. I can't imagine how hard that must be. But she's still their mom. She still has to be there for her children. She's being irrational because of her grief. The first holiday without a loved one is the absolute hardest.

CHADofNEATHERREALM said:

You have already been incredibly supportive, and it is not your responsibility to provide a "perfect" Christmas at the expense of your own financial stability. While her grief is tragic, she cannot demand money you don't have, especially while you are living paycheck to paycheck and dealing with car repairs. You have done enough, and it is okay to hold your boundary. NTA.

bethholler said:

NTA. You and your parents already bought her kids gifts. I am sorry she is grieving her husband but that’s not an excuse to be ungrateful. I’m sure her kids will be happy with whatever the family got them.

Parasamgate said:

NTA. You sound like you are providing a whole Christmas. I'm not a professional psychotherapist, but it wouldn't surprise me if she's subconsciously trying to compensate for his loss and it's coming out as make sure the kids get so so much.

Unfortunately nothing will change the loss and the first year is going to be incredibly rough. Little moments will trigger memories and suddenly there will be big emotions. My condolences to you all. I hope your sister and her kids talk to people that can help.