'AITA for pushing back on a Christmas 'gift' that might be more about control?'

"AITA for pushing back on a Christmas 'gift' that might be more about control?"

I am a middle-aged empty nester who lives alone (very happily) in a house. I have a garage that is sort of a mess. Not hoarder status, but there are boxes, random sports stuff, and lawn stuff, only loosely organized. For the most part I can walk through it and find what I need though.

I work about 70 hours a week, and when I am not working, I am active doing fun stuff, or I am seriously relaxing/recharging. So, even if I didn't experience Shutdown-Inducing-Overwhelm when thinking about tackling cleaning the garage, I also just don't care to deal with it. I have better things to do with my time.

The point is: I can deal with the state of the garage. It being pristine is not important to me. And it doesn't affect anyone but me because I live alone. This Christmas, my judgmental mother made my college-student son "give me" the present of "Cleaning Out The Garage."

Now, if this was like a garbage heap behind my house that was all trash, sure, fine, that's nice to make that go away. But this is MY STUFF. No one knows what it is, how I use it, when I use it, or whether I want to keep it. And that’s no one else’s call either. There is also some personal memorabilia I don’t really want someone else pawing through.

So in order for me to accept this "Gift" I would have to actively take part - take probably two whole days out of my life, and instead of doing things important to me, do a project I don't really care about, to appease people who don't live with me, because they are judging me for being a mess, and this gift is a not-so-subtle hint that the way I choose to live my life is not OK.

When receiving this "Gift" I politely said, "Oh that is so kind, could I possibly exchange it for some landscape help for when mulch is delivered?" (disapproving frowns) “You don’t want help with the garage?” “No,” I replied. “It would be great to have it clean, but this would require me to participate, and that’s not something I really want to spend my limited time on right now.

But the yard could really use your muscle and I don’t have to be here for that!” Not persuaded. “But what if I just pull everything out and clean and organize it all?” I answered, “Again, so sweet and that is an amazing offer. I am not sure you would necessarily know what is what, and also I think I would rather have my own system - I know what things I need to access more frequently.”

Still not persuaded. Mom chimes in. “But we can just go through everything and make piles for you to make decisions on.” I rebuff. “That really is a sweet offer, but that also creates work for me, so that’s not really a gift. Also, there are memories and items that dredge up some conflicting emotions, and this is just not something I want to deal with right now.

I am fine with the way things are, but I love the offer of helping with the house. Could I get your help moving some plants that are getting too much sun?” And so it went, back and forth several more times. This is not a gift of time or contribution, it’s about control.

And I am doubly irked that my mom used my son as a pawn (I seriously doubt my 19 yo son gives two craps about the condition of my garage, and he got me actual gifts for Christmas that were super thoughtful and that I loved). Finally Mom got irritated, “Well. Just. NeVer MiNd tHeN.”

And was clearly mad. I really tried to be kind for the sake of Christmas, but also set some clear boundaries for my house and my time. Maybe I should have shut up and just accepted the "Gift" and dealt with the fallout for the sake of peace. AITA?

NOTE: My mother is old, and isn't going to change. I guess my AITA angle is wondering, am I a jerk for not just saying "thank you," and leaving it alone rather than arguing about it as if anything would ever be different?

For the sake of the rest of the family in the room? The comments are all super validating, thank you, but I still wonder if I could have been just gracious rather feeling compelled to make a point.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Logical-Elevator-332 said:

NTA. You're right. Your mom is trying to manipulate you into keeping your garage the way she would like to see it. Out of curiosity, could there be something in your garage that your mom wants?

boomermonty said:

Practice this: “that doesn’t work for me”. No apology. No explanation. No further discussion. Learn to protect your boundaries.

Natural_Potential469 said:

NTA. So she gave you a gift that your son was going to have to achieve. Not much of a gift from her. You’re right it’s a control issue. But a gift is still a gift and the polite thing to do is to return the gift. So...maybe you could pay your son to go over to her house with some paint and paint supply and have him paint her house. Ten to one she declines your gift.

Shoesietart said:

NTA. You should have been a bit sharper with your buttinksy mother but she finally got the message. Good on you for not caving!

Boomer050882 said:

NTA. I hate judgmental people. You handled it amazingly well. Your Mom means well but has failed to learn that everyone has their own priorities. I’m so glad you stuck to your guns.

Not-Significance-108 said:

NTA. Mom was 100 percent controlling the situation. Mother dearest cant stand it but she needs to learn her place. Its not a mess, its controlled chaos and makes perfect sense to you. Enjoy the time with your son.

Talk with him on the side and tell him that you know it wasn't him and it was your mother. Make sure he knows he's innocent in all this. Shame on any grandmother that does that to their grandkid.