"AITA for refusing to attend my husband’s family events?"
I (30F) have been married to my husband (33M) for four years. His family is very close, and at first I tried hard to fit in. I helped cook, clean, organize birthdays, buy gifts, and babysit younger relatives whenever asked.
Over time, I noticed a pattern. I’m only contacted when they need something. If there’s an event, I’m expected to help behind the scenes, but rarely included in decisions or conversations. When I stopped volunteering as much, the invites slowed down.
The breaking point was a recent family gathering where I found out—while already there—that I was expected to help cook and watch kids all day while everyone else relaxed. No one asked me. It was just assumed. When I said I was tired and wanted to sit down, I was told I was being “antisocial.”
Later, my husband said I embarrassed him and that helping family is just “part of being a wife.” I told him I don’t mind helping, but I won’t attend events where I’m treated like unpaid labor.
Now I’m skipping his family gatherings entirely unless expectations are clearly communicated beforehand. His family says I’m distancing myself, and my husband says I’m creating unnecessary drama. AITA for refusing to attend family events where I feel used?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
NickelPickle2018 said:
No, but you have a serious husband problem. His family treats you like the hired help because that’s what he allows.
Key_Two77 said:
Explain it clearly to your husband. Let him know that your time off(presumably when these gatherings happen) isn't time of when you're the servant. ..and use that word. Tell him it's HIS family and he should be the one cooking and cleaning and watching kids. If he thinks it's a wife's place to do these these, 1. Where are the other wives? and 2. What century is he living in?
Is he like this at home? Do you come home from work and he expects you to cook dinner and clean dishes while he sits on his ass? If he's embarrassed in front of his family, maybe he should also be embarrassed that he sees his wife, not as a partner, but as a servant. What do you get out of the relationship? NTA.
Salty-Potato-843 said:
If my husband said that is just "part of being a wife," I would be serving divorce papers the next day. That's just me. You are getting nothing from this marriage. You'd be better off single.
mzjaxsonlvs3 said:
I bet you feel so unheard by your husband. He should be backing you up. I'm sorry you're going through this. I wouldn't go either...you're definitely not the A-hole.
friendlily said:
NTA but your husband and his family are users. I think you should skip out on this marriage too. If family helps, what does he do during gatherings? How much is he babysitting and cooking and organizing?
neuhauz said:
It sounds like they are treating you like an “apprentice” to become a new family member. Someone who is expected to be in training and instantly prove their worth while the old timers kick their feet up and watch you struggle. When you refuse to play their game, they label you as antisocial as a way to put you in your place. Good for you for not playing into their games. NTA.