'AITA for refusing to bail my only son out of credit card debt?' 'My parents helped me when I was younger.'
"AITA for refusing to bail out my only son from $15,000 debt?"
My only son, who is 20, has racked up about $15,000 in credit card debt. He has a decent job, but he spends way more than he earns—stuff like designer clothes, eating out all the time, and weekend getaways. Now he’s struggling to even make the minimum payments and has come to me asking for a loan to wipe out the debt.
For context, I’ve bailed him out before with smaller money problems. I’ve covered his rent when he couldn’t pay, or I’ve handled unexpected car repairs for him. Every time, he swears it’ll be the last time and that he’ll get his act together with budgeting, but that never happens.
I love my son to death and want him to do well, but I’m scared that if I keep rescuing him, he’ll never learn to handle his finances. Also, I’m not rich—giving him $15,000 would mean pulling from my retirement savings, which I’ve been building for years to secure my own future.
I’m stuck. I hate the idea of him facing big consequences like wrecked credit or even bankruptcy, which could haunt him for a long time. But I also don’t want him to keep overspending and relying on me to clean up the mess.
I’ve tried talking to him about budgeting and planning, but he either ignores me or makes excuses. Maybe I should’ve been tougher before, and that’s why we’re back here again.
There’s also this family thing—my parents always said you help your kids no matter what, and they bailed me out when I was younger. It makes me feel like I should step up for him too, but I’m starting to think that might just enable him more. So, tell me: Would I be the ahole if I say no to giving him the money this time and let him face the fallout of his choices?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
sanityjanity said:
NTA. Absolutely do not extract your retirement savings for this. Instead, sit with him, and ask him to sit down with you to figure out the problem. He can download 12 months of bank records and credit card charges.
The truth is that, in addition to living beyond his means, he is likely paying 30% interest on his cards, but doesn't really understand how much that is per year, especially as it is compounding monthly.
Goannagoingtogetyou said:
NTA But has he ever paid you back in the past? He is acting incredibly spoiled and immature by ignoring you or refusing to take responsibility for his massive overspending.
He doesn’t get to do that and still expect handouts from you, tell him that the only way he is going to get even a single dollar more of support is to go through a forensic and adult exploration of his annual finances and apply a strict budget that he lives by.
gringaellie said:
NTA he clearly sees you as his back-up plan. Get him a meeting with a debt advisor about consolidating his credit cards into a loan with lower interest. And then step back. Tell him to start selling his designer gear to pay his debts too.
20eyesinmyhead78 said:
He's only 20. There's plenty of time for him to rebuild his credit. But there's never a better time for him to learn about consequences than right now. Protecting him is only going to make things worse. NTA.
Prechrchet said:
NTA: I would make any future help I gave him predicated on him taking a money management class of some sort. There are several out there, I can recommend Financial Peace University, as it did wonders for our finances.
Bailing him out only kicks the can down the road. He needs to learn how to manage his money, and its going to take more than just "talking to him about budgeting and planning."
IncredulousPulp said:
NTA. He’s facing difficult consequences because you’ve always bailed him out before and he’s never had to learn better. You’ve got to let him deal with it himself. This will be life changing in a good way.
He’ll have to make a financial plan and stick with it. And it’s no worse than any other young man who bought a new car and crashed it before insuring it. Let him swim through his own turds, it’s the only way.
Party-Department9074 said:
NTA - I fully support the saying that you help out your family no matter what. But that doesn't mean to bail them out just because. Helping would mean that things get better in the long run and for that, your son needs to grow up.
If your son doesn't learn to budget his own life and understand that his actions have consequences, you're probably gonna spend your whole retirement on him. He's gotta learn this, either with your help through budgeting and saving money or without your help the really hard way. His choice.