"AITA for refusing to bring anything for Thanksgiving?"
I’m the oldest of my three siblings. There’s L (27 F), A (23 M) and T (19 F). This year, the mother to my children passed away. While we were no longer in a romantic relationship, it was still a hard loss to take and it left a strain on me and my daughters.
Due to this, I was going to skip Thanksgiving all together because it just sounded too stressful to corral two toddlers, cook something, and keep everyone happy on a 2 hour train ride to my mom’s house. We live in a major city and L and T live within walking distance of me while A and my mom live in another state 2 hours away.
After expressing my concerns to L and T, they were both super understanding and said that I wouldn’t have to worry about bringing anything. They said they’d help with the girls and L said she’d cook an extra dish to compensate for me so long as they could use my kitchen since I have more space.
I was happy to accommodate. My mom and A heard about this and were upset. My mom said that she expected me to show up and also cook a meal. I responded that I was an adult and that I would not be attending if I was expected to bring something as it was hard enough to get two young children on a train ride.
My mother got angry and said that she managed with 4 children as a single mom when we were younger and we never missed thanksgiving. I then pointed out that when she did that, we were much older. Minus T, we were all teenagers who helped her with the cooking.
This upset her further and we reached a stalemate. I said that I’d only be showing up if I didn’t have to bring something and I could instead help my sisters out. A later reached out to me and told me that I should suck it up and that I was being a d. While I don’t think I’m in the wrong, I do feel bad and wonder if I’m being an A hole.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Competitive_Ninja668 said:
I would stay home with the children and cook for them. Start your own tradition in your own home.
RoyallyOakie said:
NTA...I'm sorry for your loss. If your family cannot offer you compassion at this time, they don't deserve your company. You're already going to take a train ride with two toddlers, you certainly don't need to add a guilt-trip to your itinerary.
Suspicious_Juice717 said:
NTA. Dealing with kids who just went through the loss of a parent is hard. Apparently your mom is one of those “if I suffered, so you can suffer too” people. It’s one meal. Who cares. Toddlers definitely don’t care. I’m sorry you’re all going through this.
International-Fee255 said:
NTA Wow, have your family alway hated you or is it only since the mother of your children passed away? The arrogance and entitlement is outrageous. Stay home. My first year of no contact with my family was the best xmas I ever had, no stress, no leaving the house, no expectations and a whole lot of doing things my own way.
Quick-Possession-245 said:
You, with the help of your sisters, had already solved the problem. Not sure why your mother was upset, and why your brother needed to stick his nose in. NTA.
Individual_Ad_9213 said:
NTA; stay at home and have a quiet day with your children. The last thing that you need are the demands of your family loaded on top of your mourning the loss of your children's mother.