"AITA for refusing to agree to my mom’s holiday request?"
I spent my childhood going to multiple places on holidays. (Ex: 2 hours here, 2 hours there, basically driving around appeasing different sets of grandparents). As I entered young adulthood, I realized how NOT ENJOYABLE that was. When I had my own children in early 2018, husband and I decided to create our own traditions that still included our parents. All of our immediate family are local.
What we developed was an alternating system for holidays that we have found seems to work for everyone. Or so we thought. Thanksgiving: We alternate. One year we spend it with husband’s family and my dad (who happens to be friends with husband’s fam, so it works out), next year we spend it with my mom and stepdad/mom’s side of the family. And so on.
Christmas: mornings/getting up/breakfast/opening presents, all that Christmas morning hoopla, is spent with my mom and stepdad. Growing up, Xmas morning seemed to be the big thing in my mom’s family, and the event that seemed most important to my mom, thus we designated Xmas morning as the time spent with her and my stepdad on Xmas.
My husband’s dad enjoys cooking, so yet another reason why Xmas mornings with my mom, Xmas dinner with dad and husband’s fam, just seemed to make sense. We MADE these arrangement decisions with my mom in mind! Husband and I are 100% agnostic, and even go to church every other Xmas eve with my mom and stepdad, just because we know it means so much to her.
This has NEVER been an issue in the past 8 years. Yet all of a sudden, for my mother, it is. Not only did my mom try to get me to come over to her side’s house this year (dismissing the fact that this Thanksgiving was my husband’s family, and we spent last Thanksgiving with her), but she is wanting to change things and have us do Christmas dinner with her this year instead.
At first I was willing to entertain the idea of switching things up this year, until it occurred to me that my mom is not the only person involved here. My dad, husband’s parents, and husband’s sister have all come to count on, and plan for, our tradition of having dinner together.
My mom is emotionally immature, and sticking to my boundaries is something I struggle with in my adult life. It puts A LOT of extra stress on me to try and make it multiple places on the actual holiday with two young children, not to mention takes all the fun out of it. My mom doesn’t see it that way.
All she sees is that we are failing to cater to her and what SHE wants, by not going multiple places and not making time to come see her. I can’t help but feel these new complaints, and new demands are a bit of a control thing for my mom more than anything.
I told her no, we are not willing to make a change this year and have dinner with them/do morning with husband’s family. Having them all together is not an option. AITA for putting my foot down and saying no to my mom?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
DinoSnuggler said:
NTA. Try to be as "gray rock" as possible when you respond to her. "Sorry mom, but you know we already have Christmas dinner plans. You're still welcome to come over Christmas morning, we'll be sorry to miss you if you can't make it." No negotiations, no emotion.
MarionberryPlus8474 said:
NTA. Sounds as if your mom was always trying to please everyone shuttling around every holiday and now expects you to revolve around her. IMO alternating holidays is a much better and less stressful way to do it. If your mom is getting upset, or trying to emotionally blackmail you, stand your ground. You can’t control her feelings but you CAN focus on making holidays an enjoyable time for your family.
stoligirl2121 said:
NTA you should think about having Christmas morning at your own home with hubby and kids. Give her a year off.
DueConsequence4072 said:
NTA. Strengthen your backbone and self love in respect to your mother. Quit letting her dictate your guilt and stress. YOU are the mother now. It's your way with your children and your entire family. Not just one selfish person.
etds3 said:
Dude, you’re already being really nice. A lot of families refuse to go anywhere on Christmas Day. She can take it or leave it. NTA.
PhilaBurger said:
NTA. As you noted, this involves not just your nuclear family and her, but your husband's family and your father. It's far too late in the game for your mother to demand changes to an established "tradition" and process that has worked well, for 7 years, especially on such short notice. Stick to your guns and do what works for you, your husband and your kids.
CrazyOldBag said:
NTA. This is a system that has worked for everyone for 8 years. Now mom is trying to pull strings and flex on everyone to show that SHE is the queen, the important one, the only one who matters. You definitely don’t want to let that attitude go unchecked.
Stick to your guns. “No, Mom, that’s not the way it works for us. If you don’t want to see us on Christmas morning and have plans on Christmas Eve, I guess we’ll catch up some other time.”
If she decides this is her way or the highway, just do Christmas morning at home in your jammies with your kids. Have a relaxed beginning to the day and then go enjoy the rest of the day with your dad and in-laws.