'I refuse to cook for my friend’s reception since she excluded me from the wedding. AITA?'
"I refuse to cook for my friend’s reception since she excluded me from the wedding. AITA?"
So I (42F) have known Lila (38F) for about ten years. We met through mutual friends, and I’m the one who introduced her to her now-husband, Josh (39M). I watched their whole relationship bloom — from awkward first coffee date to engagement — and everything in between. We went on vacations together (Josh, Lila, Myself and my Husband Cody), our families were close etc.
A few months before the wedding, Lila called and said she wanted to do a “fun, community-style potluck reception” and asked if I could bring “a few trays” of my famous baked pasta and maybe a dessert. I said sure — until I realized that I’d never received an invitation to the actual wedding.
I figured it was a simple mistake. When I asked about it, she said, “Oh, we’re keeping the ceremony really small because of space issues. But you’re totally welcome to come to the reception afterward.”
Alright, fine. I was mid-bake when the photos began to appear online. Turns out, their “tiny” ceremony had over 200 guests, and the venue’s capacity was around 1,800. So space was definitely not the problem.
At that point, I felt a little used — like they wanted my food but not my presence. I told her I wouldn’t be cooking after all. I said something like, “I’m happy for you both, but I don’t feel comfortable catering an event I wasn’t invited to attend.”
She got icy fast. Said I was “making things awkward” and that she’d “counted on me.” A mutual friend later told me Lila was complaining that I’d “ruined her potluck plan” and that I “made it about myself.”
For the record, I didn’t throw a fit, post anything online, or badmouth her. I just quietly declined and didn’t show up. But now half our friend group thinks I was being petty because “it’s just food” and “she probably didn’t mean to exclude you.”
So…
AITA for saying no to cooking for a wedding I wasn’t invited to — even though I introduced the couple in the first place?
*note* I had just started baking because of a huge gap between the ceremony and reception for photos, etc... I literally had one pan of pasta in the oven baking. So don't accuse me of wasting food.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Were the friends judging you invited?
Creative_Bad_3373 (OP)
Yup. Every single one of them. Not one of them was asked to bring a potluck dish.
Surely you realize that she didn't invite you because she wanted you to be available to make the food. She wanted fresh food, tasty more than she wanted you at her wedding. Think about that for a minute.
And then think about the fact that your other 'friends' are fully aware of why you got excluded. They probably discussed it ahead of time. Don't let the gaslight you. Get better friends. NTA.
If she wants catering she needs to hire...and pay for...a caterer. NTA.
NTA. You were the unpaid caterer. You don’t want this person in your life, or anyone else who thinks what she did was OK.
Updateme
NTA pot luck is where everyone who is invited brings a dish. Tell her that she should have counted on the people she invited, not the people she excluded.
My friend was in the same situation. Literally, she helped decorate, make flower arrangements, favors, organize, transport stuff, etc.. She ran around the whole time. When it was time to sit down for dinner the bride didn’t have a seat or a meal for her.
I would have held a grudge. My friend is a saint, because she was like water under the bridge and invited the bride when it was my friend’s turn to get married. It’s always colored my option of her “friend”, tho. Some friend. NTA.
But she did mean to exclude you because when you asked about your invite, she literally said space wouldn’t accommodate when the reality says otherwise and she wasn’t being honest.
Unfortunately, it sounds like this friendship isn’t what you thought it was. You made the right decision. Your friend group is right; this isn’t about you but they’re also wrong because you DIDN’T make it about you. You simply recognized the fact that your ‘friend’ values what they can get from you OVER what you mean to them.
Also, the ‘you’re totally welcome to come to the reception after’ was a complete afterthought and if she wanted you to be there she would have sent you an invitation to attend because let’s not forget, everyone else in your group WAS invited. Let’s get one thing straight. You didn’t ruin her potluck, she ruined your friendship.
NTA. She thought she could get away with having you cater a lot of the wedding and not invite you. So she wins on both accounts. You didn't ruin anything.
Creative_Bad_3373 (OP)
I appreciate that. However, her husband may not be as forgiving. She told him we'd declined the invitation to the wedding. He's STILL mad at her for that.
I'm not shocked by that. She is most likely trying to spin it around to make you seem like the bad person for not falling for her ruse. You absolutely did the right thing by declining to continue cooking and for not going.
Her logic just boggles the mind... "I'll say it's a small wedding, she'll never find out it wasn't"... "They declined the invite, he'll never think to contact OP to ask about it"...
I mean I'd be rethinking my marriage if my wife not only lied to me about it, but excluded a close friend of mine and tried to get free food from them to. What else is that woman capable of? And she obviously has no problem lying well to his face. So what else has she lied about?