"AITA for refusing to share my location with my mom?"
I, 22F, still live at home with my mom, 45F. I’d like to preface this by saying: I would not live here if I could help it. I’m a college student with demanding coursework for my major. I do have a job, but I wouldn’t be able to afford rent, and I can’t apply for a second job because there’s no time in my schedule.
Now, this upcoming weekend, I have a date. For safety’s sake, I told my mom that I’d be going out at “this time” on “this day." I attempted to be vague, but she asked me why I was going out and where to. I try to be vague with most of my personal life, especially with my mom, because she’s very invasive.
In the past, my mom has been known to overstep boundaries and use the excuse, “There’s nothing wrong with wanting to ensure my child’s safety.” And to that point, she’s absolutely right. But, she takes it too far.
When my siblings and I were in high-school, she’d have people texting and calling her if they saw us in public. It didn’t matter if what we were doing was bad or not, she’d have someone telling her our whereabouts at all times.
She’d even refuse to tell us who, and that’s when my siblings and I knew that she wasn’t doing this as a safety measure, she’s doing it to maintain control (something she’s always tried to do). And if she ever lost that control, she’d punish us by taking away things we literally NEEDED, threaten to kick us out, etc.
Back to present time, after she’d asked me all of these questions about my date, I told her simply that I wasn’t going to give her any major details because it’s still new and I don’t want her going online to look him up and pick apart his life.
She got upset with me almost immediately, saying that she should be able to know where I’m going and what I’m doing with a stranger. To ease her mind, I told her that I’d shared my location with three people, and they’d be knowing where I was at all times.
She didn’t like that, and said, “But you won’t share it with me.” I told her that I didn’t want to give it to her. She proceeded to look at me and say, “Whatever, if something happens, I don’t want to hear about it.” And that’s when I told her straight-up that she’s too invasive.
I told her that I’m an adult, and that I shouldn’t have to tell her every single thing about my life because it’s MY life. I knew for a fact that if I gave her my location, she’d constantly keep tabs on me and I wouldn’t be able to go anywhere without her knowing.
I talked to my little brother, 20M, he said that I should have just given it to her because she’s “only trying to look out for you”, and then asked me why it mattered if she looked at my location.
“If you’re not doing anything bad, then why do you care?” I don’t know how to feel. I understand that me going on this date poses risks, but three people have my location and I don’t want a fourth. AITA if I don’t give it to her?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
aquamarine1029 said:
Your mother blew it because she has already abused your trust and violated your privacy. That's who she is and she WILL do so again if given half the chance. I have two adult children and they asked me years ago to have their location on my phone, and I still do with their full knowledge and consent.
They both appreciate the safety aspect of it and I'm so happy they trust me to respect their privacy. I have never once violated their trust or used the app to snoop or pass judgement. Your mother caused this all on her own. Of course you can't trust her.
Ippus_21 said:
Nope NTA. Your brother has Stockholm Syndrome, and your mom is overbearing af. You're correct, you are an adult, and she has no right to monitor your every move.
OddSpend23 said:
NTA. You have a right to your boundaries and you don’t have to explain yourself. It’s fine if your brother thinks it’s fine, just like it’s fine if you don’t think it’s okay. I agree with you that it is overbearing and would go as far as to say she’s being manipulative.
Her saying that she doesn’t want to hear about if something goes wrong is manipulation. You’ve taken precautions like sharing you location with trusted people, so you know you’ll be fine. Don’t worry about what she thinks ever. You are grown and need to 1. Stand up for yourself and 2. Make your own decisions.
Fiempre-sin-tabla said:
You are NTA. You also aren't her child any more. She is not entitled to know your whereabouts.
Efficient_Wheel_6333 said:
NTA. You are a legal adult and it looks like you have steps in place to make sure you're safe. Your mom's proven she can't respect your boundaries already without you giving her your location and she'd just make this worse.
Shashi1066 said:
Declaring your independence from your mom is a natural part of becoming an adult. Please do not feel guilty. Don't listen to her or your brother try to rationalize the situation. Go out and have a good time and forget about your mom. She may have a mental health problem.