'AITA for refusing to wear body makeup for my friend's wedding?' UPDATED

"AITA for refusing to wear body makeup for my friend's wedding?"

My friend has just gotten engaged, and has asked me to be her maid of honor. I am beyond thrilled for her and beyond touched she's asked me but its on the condition I wear body makeup over my psoriasis. I can't do that, not only is it impractical, any make up that will actually cover it will exacerbate the condition and make life miserable for me.

To be clear, I have it well controlled. I am not flakey, the skin is simply very red. It covers 80% of one forearm, 20% on the other, both elbows and I have large patches on my calves knees and 90% of the top of one foot. I use gentle manual exfoliation and a moisturizer that helps control the dry and excess skin. I apply the moisturizer a couple of times a day, and wouldn't be able to do this while wearing makeup.

I let her know I wouldn't be able to do that, explained why, even though she knows I have to be careful with all products I use, and she's quite unhappy with me. She wants "beautiful photographs that make everyone feel beautiful and confident," which really upset me.

I am content and confident in my skin, I know it's there and people stare sometimes but what can I do about that? Most people think I've had some kind of gnarly motorbike accident or something tbh. I'm at a point in my life where I honestly don't care and often forget that its unusual to see.

I know the reason is because she doesn't want to see it in her photos, I said as much to her and she was offended. I suggested that I wear something with long sleeves and skirt, but she's already has her heart set on midi length strapless dresses, and a shawl covering "won't go."

It got to the point where she was getting heated because I won't do it and told me I either wore the body make up, or don't bother even coming. I ended up telling her either she has me as is or not at all and left. She is now not speaking to me, but has told her fiance that I accepted the role...?

Am I the ahole? Should I just suck it up wear the body makeup and deal with it? I love my friend and I would hate to miss her wedding, but wearing the body makeup would just make the night so miserable and cause so much irritation and possibly pain if it gets so bad my skin splits again.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Comfortable_Fun_9872 said:

What is this fascination with wanting people to not look like themselves at weddings?! You may love your friend. But she doesn't love you for exactly who you are. Do not put yourself in pain for her. NTA.

Comfortable_Fun_9872 said:

What is this fascination with wanting people to not look like themselves at weddings?! You may love your friend. But she doesn't love you for exactly who you are. Do not put yourself in pain for her. NTA.

Bhaastsd said:

NTA, there is not a single scenario where it is acceptable for a bride to ask you to endanger your health for the sake of some pictures that no one is going to look at.

aesp4lvr said:

NTA. Psoriasis can be so painful and debilitating during a flare-up and i’m assuming that since you were asked to be the MOH, she has known you and about your psoriasis/psoriasis control routine. you shouldn’t have to sacrifice your skin’s health for days or weeks after the wedding just to be there.

You have even given her alternate options to help conceal your reddened skin for photos and she’s not even considering them or your feelings/health.

carmabound said:

NTA - If she's worried about the wedding pictures, she can ask the photographer to make adjustments rather than asking you to wear make-up. Color correction: Adjusting the color balance to make redness less noticeable.

Skin retouching: Smoothing out textures and reducing the prominence of patches. Selective adjustments: Targeting specific areas to minimize the appearance of psoriasis without making the skin look unnatural.

hellcoach said:

NTA. She should find another Maid of Honor if the makeup and dress design is non-negotiable.

PassionPetals3 said:

NTA. Your health and comfort shouldn't be compromised for a photoshoot. True friendship should always outweigh aesthetics.

UPDATE:

Firstly I just want to say a massive thank you to everyone who commented, I honestly thought the majority would tell me to "suck it up its just a few hours for one day" and was surprised by all the supportive comments, compromise suggestions and suggestions and encouragement to seek further treatment for the sake of my health not my appearance.

I am definitely going to take my psoriasis more seriously due to some of you, so thank you. Also sorry to the mods they had to lock comments because too many people were being rude.

I also want to mention all the photoshop/editing comments, I feel stupid for not even considering it in the moment, its such a simple and obvious solution, I was so shocked and taken aback by my friends reaction and insistence it didn't even cross my mind.

I spent the night bawling my eyes out because a lot of the comments made me feel id wasted nearly 30 years of friendship with this person, doubt a lot of it.. I love her still, and was still so confused.

I was going to call my friend tonight to discuss this again, I was truly touched she asked me to be MOH, she has such a close relationship with her sister that I never thought even once she would ask me.

I didn't end up calling friend, as her fiance called me, to thank me for accepting the role, to tell me secretly that his family wanted to pay for the bridal shower hens night and anything else we wanted to do or go as he knows the people friend wanted as other bridesmaids weren't in a position to be able to contribute, and that he/his family would reimburse me any costs for body makeup, which did flag as odd to me...

I told him that I hadn't accepted the role, and that friend had told me either I wear the makeup or don't come at all, fiance was shocked and confused, I explained to him that even mild inflammation would cause days and weeks of irritation at best, or months of pain/cracked skin and possible infections at worst.

He had no idea and was completely oblivious, and very confused. He's only really known me while my condition has been pretty decently controlled and I tend to play it off as not so serious to people because I just dont want to talk about it.

We finished our phone call, and after a couple of hours my friend calls me back, I can tell she's been crying and was quite upset. She apologized profusely and It turns out that her future Mother and Sister in law had been picking away at her, making her feel awful about herself and how she needs to be "perfect, presentable and beautiful" on the day, that nothing can distract from her.

They both had convinced her that she is especially kind in not worrying or caring about how I looked, but that everyone else is just lying to me/her about not caring. Its been going on for months, even before they knew of the engagement, little digs about me trying to turn my friend against me.

Both MIL and SIL are apparently disgusted by my psoriasis to the point it makes them physically ill, and that her entire wedding day will revolve around how I look and will make everyone miserable. That its all anyone would speak about and if I came no guest would be able to eat or enjoy themselves, that I was selfish for even considering going without hiding it..

They didn't want me there at all, and were threatening my friend with not allowing the wedding at all. It was never about the photographs, it was about my condition being visible in general.

I didn't really know what to say or do, it was a lot to process, and I do truly believe my friend is sorry, like I said this was so out of character for her. My friends fiance got on the phone once she'd finished explaining, he is going to speak to his family, he apparently had no idea that this was happening and is pissed for my friend, and on my behalf...

I dont know what's happening with the wedding or wedding party but my friend has said that she cant imagine her day without me there, and that she feels awful she allowed them to manipulate her that way.

I don't know how I feel yet, I have emotional whiplash, I'm hurt and confused my friend let them convince her to go through with this, but I do think and hope we can get through this..